The Coming Lawyerclysm

Column written by Jon Splatz on September 29, 1999

There are hordes of serious-minded people who insist that the legal system is driving us towards a Lawyerclysm, when humanity becomes overwhelmed as it tries and fails to cope with the increasing complexity and absurdity of laws and legal arguments.

Even now, nobody can really keep up, and only a few can even fake it. Everyone is frantic, stressed, tethered, broke or worn out trying to manage. We are bombarded by patents, and copyrights, and bonehead laws, and lawsuits we certainly do not need or understand, that move more quickly and do more unpleasant things than we want, that we can barely grasp, let alone deal with.

The complaints and alarms are piling up.

Author James Keite in "Speedier" complains that the judicial system is forcing everything to move too quickly. In his new collection of essays, Arthur Z. Lark writes "I have seen the future and it's patented."

The typical twenty-first-century person's day, he predicts, will include: "Checking email, phone, and fax to see if any legal notices have arrived; skimming the news to keep track of new laws, regulations, and rules that were enacted; conferring with overpriced lawyers about pending lawsuits; attending court either in person or via closed-circuit holographic projection; talking with insurance adjustors to reduce future liabilities; exploring the Microsoft HyperWeb for tips on how to beat the IRS (12 million tax laws and counting)..."

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Anti-Lawyer Patrick Buyer goes further, warning in his books that lawyers are destroying the world. He wants us to kill all the lawyers to save the planet -- and ourselves. In his apocalyptic new dirge "Staring Into The Gavel," author Bob Labeller proclaims that western civilization itself is coming to an end.

Believe me, these predictions are not bullshit. The ongoing legal battle between Humorix and Microsoft is proof of this proposition.

You've no doubt been following the exchange of legal verbiage between the two parties over the last few weeks. It gets worse. Here's the certified letter that arrived from the bowels of the Microsoft Empire earlier today:

Dear Mr. Morals, et al,

Your challenging of the Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private License) by referring to the Humorix ClosedHumor Public License is not valid, because we in no way agreed to this license.

• By opening Port 80 of the Humorix website, you agree to these terms. If you do not agree to the terms, return the electrons you have received and immediately close your browser.

We did not open port 80 of your website. We have accessed your website through www-proxy1307.aol.com, so by your own terms, AOL agreed to the Humorix ClosedHumor Public License. Microsoft is not bound to any agreements AOL made with you or anyone else.

Even if we had accessed your port 80 directly, your license would be invalid, because we could not read it before accessing port 80. You, on the other hand, you can read the Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private License) without opening the envelope: remove the stamp and use a microscope with a magnification factor of at least thousand (1000) where the stamp was.

Also, I consider myself forced to point out that your license violates another Microsoft patent.

• You agree to purchase at least ten (10) shares of Humorix stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) within one (1) week and to hold said shares for at least one (1) year.

Microsoft owns a patent on "the concept of using one product to force people to use another product". Previous usage includes putting Internet Explorer in Windows, the fact that WindowsUpdate.microsoft.com cannot be accessed with Netscape, and our placing of MSN icons on the desktop of all computer users.

If you are a member of the Microsoft PBN (Patent Builder Network), you can check all Microsoft-owned patents online via the Microsoft Network (IE required). To sign up for a PBN account, you need to be a MSCL (Microsoft Certified Lawyer). Membership is $50,000 p.a., with a free trial period of twelve (12) seconds.

Thank you for your attention.

Signed,

C. A. Pitalist
Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department

Pat N. Twar, Esq.
Deputy Under-Secretary, Patent Protection Division, Microsoft Legal Dept.

T. H. Eft
Under-Sub-Lawyer, Microsoft Patents & Innovations department

This is sickening. But not as bad as the reply that Mr. Noah Morals, Humorix lawyer, just sent back:

Dear Microsoft Legal Department,

Thank you for reporting the bug in the Humorix ClosedHumor Public License. My legal assistants have prepared an upgrade -- version 1.1 -- that fixes this and other known issues, and adds new features and usability enhancements. The text of the upgraded license is 1.2 MB in length.

The upgraded license states, "You may not read, copy, distribute, disseminate, laugh at, or modify any Humorix content unless you have accepted the terms of this License. Any usage of Humorix material without accepting this License is illegal and will be prosecuted as 'portal piracy'. If you decline to accept this License, (a) immediately delete any Humorix material you may have inadvertantly downloaded, and (b) reboot your computer.

We must inform you that Humorix has just applied for -- and received -- the following patent:

• The construction of a device that enables the user to fully read the contents of a folded paper container [envelope] without breaking the seal on said container.

We have used such a device extensively at Humorix; indeed, we just used it to read your previous correspondence without opening the envelope, which means that we have not accepted your poorly-worded Grossly Private License. Sorry... thanks for playing.

Finally, after extensive research we have uncovered that Microsoft's patent claim on "the concept of using one product to force people to use another product" in null and void. We have found extensive prior art in this field.

For instance, McDonalds has used hamburgers to force people to buy French fries for the past several decades. The question "Do you want fries with that?" is an obvious implementation of this concept. In addition, gun manufacturers have employed this concept to force consumers to buy ammunition, scopes, targets, and gun safes. Humorix is not in violation of this patent, which has clearly been a part of the public domain since the dawn of Capitalism. As stated before: Sorry... thanks for playing.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Mr. Noah Morals,
Official Humorix Lawyer

Ms. Ava Rice,
Secretary for the Lowe & Morals Law Firm

The two lawyers focus on trivial, picayune details that are completely irrelevant to the original conflict (a patent on portal websites). And yet these two parties are arguing about every tiny detail as if it's a life or death struggle. Mr. Morals acts as if he wants Microsoft to swoop down and file the Mother Of All Lawsuits against Humorix.

This is insane. If this trend of rampant lawyerism continues, every person in the western world will spend every waking moment engaged in a struggle against opposing lawyers. The ancient Romans had colisseums for gladiator fights; 21st century America will have courtrooms for fight-to-the-death legal battles.

We're headed for a Lawyerclysm (I just made this term up), a catastrophic collision between people, lawyers, judges, politicians, and the so-called judicial system. We won't be consumed by evil aliens or runaway nanotech machines, as sci-fi futurists have long predicted. Instead, all progress and evolution will stop as we find ourselves sinking into the quicksand of the Paperwork Age, where the lawyer's pen is mightier than the sword.

That leaves most of us holding the bag, confronted with two noxious choices: to fall back to an anarchistic State of Nature, or to attend law school and hope to become a bona fide lawyercrat and participate in the runaway LawyerBinge.

Write me at jonsplatz [at] i-want-a-website [dot] com

What Do Al Gore And Linus Torvalds Have In Common?

Fake News written by James Baughn on September 27, 1999

...They are both the target of lawsuits filed last Friday. Al Gore, the self-proclaimed "inventor" of the Internet, is now a defendant in a lawsuit claiming that he is liable for the Internet gambling addiction the plaintiffs have suffered. Linus Torvalds, the Linux Head Honcho, is embroiled in another lawsuit over mental problems caused by severe Linux addiction.

A representative for the law firm of Dewey, Cheetam, & Howe, which is pursuing the Al Gore case, said, "Mr. Gore made it quite clear in an interview that, while serving in the US Congress, he 'took the initiative in creating the Internet.' Moreover, our clients have suffered from day-trading addiction made possible by Mr. Gore's invention. This gambling addiction has led to broken families, bankruptcies, and immeasurable mental anguish. Al Gore must be held responsible."

One legal observer Humorix interviewed says that the case has strong backing. "If the State builds a highway that contains dangerous potholes, and somebody is hurt when their car is swallowed by one, the State is liable. Likewise, if a private citizen like Mr. Gore builds an Information Superhighway containing dangerous elements, and a group of people are hurt as a result, then Gore is liable. It's just that simple..."

He added, "Heck, if somebody can sue over Pokemon addiction, then Internet addiction should be a piece of cake."

Dewey, Cheetam, & Howe is also pursuing the Linus Torvalds lawsuit. Said Mr. Dewey, head attorney for the law firm, "Our clients have a severe addiction to the Linux operating system that Mr. (or should I say Dr.?) Linus Torvalds created. He must be held liable."

Court documents filed by Mr. Dewer enumerate the ways that his five clients, aged 16 to 43, have become addicted to Linux:

• Each has spent, on average, $7,542 per year on upgraded hardware and Internet access (one installed a fractional T1 to run a Linux FTP server) to satisfy their addiction.

• All spend at least 2 hours per day (including weekends) surfing Slashdot alone. LinuxToday and other Linux portals account for 1.5 hours.

• All have purchased several hundred shares of Red Hat and Corel stock. Said one plaintiff, "I have an overwhelming urge to invest in Andover, LinuxOne, and VA Linux when they come available, but I'm almost broke. I'll have to eat less or something to afford it."

• They obsessively download the latest kernel versions (including all Alan Cox ac-patches) and compile them. "The only new kernel I haven't downloaded in the past year is 2.0.38," one litigant said.

• The youngest client, a high school student, got in trouble at school for installing Linux on a Windows 98 box in the lab.

• None of them can take a vacation for any extended period of time because they suffer Linux withdrawl victims. "I had a nervous breakdown in Cancun," said one client. "Thankfully somebody in our tour group had a laptop with wireless Net access and I was able to get my fix."

• The most addicted client, Mr. Linn Icks, was given the Linux Advocate Of The Year Award last month by Humorix.

• One client is divorced as a direct result of his addiction. His wife said, "It's either me or your [expletive] operating system", to which he responded, "That's easy. I'll take Linux." None of the others have dated in the last three years.

• Two of the addicts were fired at work from obsessively browsing Slashdot and LinuxToday during office hours. Both are employed in "food services" (read: McDonalds), although they hope to land a Linux-related job when some company that's actually heard of Linux moves into their regions.

In addition to pursuing monetary damages, the plaintiffs want the court to issue an injunction against Mr. Torvalds from releasing any more kernel patches until he incorporates anti-addiction features into the operating system. According to court documents, they want the Linux kernel to, among other things, "periodically halt, displaying a 'go outside' message that will force the user to step away from their machine and go outside and get some fresh air."

Al Gore and Linus Torvalds were unavailable for comment at press time. As a result of the impending lawsuits, Red Hat stock dropped 5 1/2 points today, and Al Gore's approval rating slid 1.25% according to a poll conducted by the "Bureaucracy Blurb", a DC-based newspaper.

Ask Humorix: Do-It-Yourself IPO

Feature written by James Baughn on September 24, 1999

Anonymous Brave Person writes, "I've been watching with much amusement as companies have announced IPOs and made millions -- or billions -- of dollars even though they haven't turned a profit. How can a "company" like LinuxOne issue stock worth $24 million when their sole product is still in beta? More importantly, is it possible for me to have my own IPO?"

The Humorix Oracle replies,

Yes, you too can become a billionaire by suckering Wall Street investors enamored with Internet and Open Source stocks into buying stock in your fly-by-night operation.

A Do-It-Yourself IPO is not that difficult. Here's 7 easy steps:

1. Invent some kind of product. Typically this will fall into one of two categories: a new Linux distro based on Slackware, Debian, or Red Hat, or yet another content-free Linux portal website.

Creating a new distro is not that difficult. Just take an existing one and add a few touches, making sure to issue a global s/Red Hat/Your Distro Name command. Translating an existing distro into a new language is also a possibility. For instance, Linux has made only limited headway into the following ripe markets:

• Babylonian
• Hittite
• Ancient Egyptian (hieroglyphics may be a challenge, though)
• Pig Latin (this may be the strongest type of encryption allowed by the DOJ in the near future)
• Microspeak (former Microsoft employees probably don't want to use Windows all of their lives)
• Mayan
• Cherokee
• Cyrillic (to take advantage of the booming Russian economy)
• Redneck
• Klingon (it's a wonder this hasn't been done yet)
• Binary (nothing but 1's and 0's)
• Wingdings

Or, if your Research & Development budget is tight, you may elect to create a Linux portal website as instructed in Humorix's Linux Portal mini-HOWTO.

2. If you are selling a Linux distro or other product, create a website hyping it. Obtain a domain name containing "linux" (assuming all of them haven't been taken yet). We recommend that you don't create your site using any Microsoft software, however this isn't an absolute rule. The recent flurry of Linux press releases begging to be run through the Demoroniser proves that investors aren't really concerned with whether your Linux company actually uses Linux.

3. Set up a physical location (in other words, a brick-and-mortar place in meatspace). This doesn't need to be any more elaborate than a basement; however, a more formal location may come in handy if any Venture Capitalists drop by.

4. Incorporate. Find a couple of friends (preferably one with legal experience) to help you form a legal corporation. The S-1 filings of other IPO-bound companies often contain sample corporate bylaws and financial reports that you can steal and modify for your own use.

5. Obtain and fill out the necessary IPO paperwork with the SEC. As mentioned before, you can cut-n-paste content from the S-1 filings of other companies. For example, almost every tech company has "We might get sued by Microsoft" and "The Internet might collapse" as possible risk factors, so you should too. To save money, be sure to "self-underwrite" your IPO and not mess with an expensive Wall Street firm.

6. Send out buzzword-laden press releases over the wires trumpeting your IPO and whatever product you've finally released (if any). Don't mention the fact that your corporation consists of only you and a few buddies who have no clue how to run a business. Again, you can copy and alter other company's press releases for your own use (this is what Open Source is all about).

7. Play by the SEC's rules until the Big Day when your IPO happens. At that point you'll be able to join the Billionaire's Club. And remember: you've "earned" it!

Update: The Legal Battle Continues

Fake News written by Noah Morals on September 23, 1999

I can't believe the good fortune I keep getting. Humorix is now firmly embroiled in a lengthy legal battle with Microsoft, which will net me a fortune in legal fees. I'll be able to buy my own tropical island within a year if this continues. It's good to be a lawyer.

Regular Humorix readers (both of you) know that Humorix and Microsoft have been exchanging legal notices for the past week. In response to our last article, the Microsoft legal department sent us this letter:

Dear Mr. Morals, et al,

We have noticed you published a copy of our friendly note (referred to as "bark letter" by you) on your web server.

Since this note contains important strategies to be used in our upcoming lawsuits as well as some internal Microsoft marketing strategies (such as the mission charter for MSN), we demand that you remove it immediately.

Also we would like you to know that any further communication between us will automatically fall under the Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private License), meaning:

• By opening the envelope, you agree to these terms. If you do not agree to the terms, return the letter unopened to your local post office stating you disagree with the license, and you may or may not get the postage back.

• You may read the letter only on one desk, and make at maximum one copy for safety purposes only. If you need another copy, want to read it on another desk, or want to give a copy to someone else, you need to buy another license from the Microsoft licensing department at a nominal fee of US$899.99.

• There is a 90 hours readability warranty. If you cannot read the mail after 90 hours [starting from writing, not receiving], it is your fault.

• If you find a typing mistake, or spelling or grammar errors, there is no need whatsoever to report them. Using Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.0 with ActiveX enabled, visit letterupgrade.microsoft.com to download a patch for the letter.

• You agree not to disassemble (i.e. rip up) or in any other way reverse engineer (i.e. use ink killers to separate ink from paper) the letter.

Thank you for your attention.

Signed,

C. A. Pitalist
Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department

Pat N. Twar, Esq.
Deputy Under-Secretary, Patent Protection Division, Microsoft Legal Dept.

427 of 1437
Microsoft Lawyer #427

In response to this, I, Mr. Noah Morals representing Humorix, have sent the following counter-letter:

Dear Mr. Pitalist, et al:

Your previous letter indicates that you have not read the terms of the Humorix ClosedHumor Public License. This is not our problem.

The terms of the License are as follows:

• By opening Port 80 of the Humorix website, you agree to these terms. If you do not agree to the terms, return the electrons you have received and immediately close your browser.

• We reserve the right to publish any and all correspondence we receive, even if said correspondence contains valuable trade secrets. [Again, that's not our problem - N. O. M.]

• You (the "Supplicant") agree to refrain from filing any legal action against Humorix World Domination, Inc. until the End of Time or until Linux achieves Total World Domination, whichever comes first.

• You agree to purchase at least ten (10) shares of Humorix stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) within one (1) week and to hold said shares for at least one (1) year.

• We are not responsible in any way if you encounter any problems (i.e. Blue Screen of Death) as the result of viewing the Humorix website with any Microsoft product (including, but not limited to, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows 98 Second Edition, Windows NT 3.51, Windows 4.0, Windows 2000 beta, Windows CE, Internet Explorer, or Bob). Moreover, we are not responsible if you suffer any eye strain or damage as the result of reading this fine print.

We regret to inform you that, by the terms of this license, the complaints mentioned in your previous correspondence are null and void. As stated before, that's not our problem.

Sincerely,

Mr. Noah Morals,
Official Humorix Lawyer

Mr. F. L. Amer, Jr.,
Intern for the Lowe & Morals Law Firm

P.S. Humorix shares are still available. Contact the newly hired Humorix Investor Relations Liason, Mr. G. E. Trich, for details.

Office 2005 To Be Available Before Office 2003

Fake News written by John Elfrink on September 23, 1999

REDMOND, WA -- In a move that has been declared "unfortunate but necessary", Microsoft today announced that its productivity suite Office 2003 will again have its shipping date pushed back 3 months. This puts the shipping date on Office 2003 later than the estimated release of 2005.

"It's really not that big a deal," a spokesman for Microsoft said at a press conference today. "From the very beginning of the Office 2003 project in the mid 90's we have known that its shipping date would be in 2004. That has not changed nor do we expect it to change." Nevertheless, Microsoft must take care if it plans to keep the release date in 2004 because today's announcement places the release date for mid-December of that year.

While this move has been expected for some time, it did cause much discussion among industry experts. It was an anonymous user on the Internet that first pointed out that the new shipping date would be after the November 2004 date that Office 2005 will be available for beta testing in.

The spokesman defended the beta test, saying, "It's important to Microsoft to keep the release date for Office 2005 on schedule. In order to do this we need feedback from the users as early as possible telling us what improvements over Office 2003 they most liked." In order for the feedback on Office 2005 to be collected, analyzed, and implemented the estimated release date of Office 2005 must be eight months before the shipping date.

The obvious difficulty in this is that there is no way for the beta testing to show improvements over Office 2003 if Office 2003 is not yet in use. To work around this problem Microsoft has announced that a special beta-testing team is being put together.

"Because the release date for Office 2003 is still 30 days before the shipping date there will be a short window of opportunity for special high profile users to get Office 2003 a month before it is available to the public at large," the spokesman explained. The special beta-testing team will be part of that special high profile user group.

Craniates for the group are being selected currently. Training for the group will begin before year's end based on the advanced projection from the beta test. Once the beta test for Office 2003 is released to the public the special group will already be training on the production version. Once the production version of Office 2003 is released to the public the special group will be fully trained in its use and ready to beta test Office 2005.

"Our estimates of the projection of the beta testing of the pre-release of the release of Office 2005 will go hand in hand with the post shipping release's projected estimate of Office 2003. The final release shipping of Office 2005 will implement our projection of what the beta testing group will estimate since a full estimate is not projected to be done in time," said the spokesman to a perplexed audience.

Update from the Editor:

Just as this article was going to press, a member of our Vast Spy Network(tm) informed us of the major new feature that is planned for Office 2003... a Dancing Billionaire Office Assistant.

Our informant sent us a preliminary screenshot showing a character resembling Bill Gates dancing on an Excel spreadsheet. The new Office Assistant will, according to our source:

• Walk around the screen while wads of cash fall out of his bulging pockets.

• Stomp on bugs that will occasionally crawl across the screen while saying "You didn't see that."

• Erase any text that is negative towards Microsoft or Bill Gates.

• Insert trademark symbols next to words like "Microsoft", "windows", and "internet" in your document.

• Respond with "This feature requires Microsoft Office 2003 Plus Pack! available for $129.95 at your neighborhood Microsoft Store" if you attempt to access the Help menu.

• Randomly insert Microsoft advertisements in your documents.

Stay tuned for future updates about this rapidly unfolding situation.

Programmer's Points: "Running With Pointers Considered Harmful..."

Column written by M. L. C. Pluspluss on September 23, 1999

I have recently encountered some of the great works of Computer Science discussing the danger of such ideas as the "goto" statement (one article I categorically reject), "unstructured" programming, and Microsoft COM interfaces. Yet in my recent foray into the reference works of our industry, I failed to encounter any articles discussing a key issue that has led to tragedy after tragedy.

This, as you who have attended some of my early design presentations must know, is the issue of running with pointers. Now I know that many of your mothers repeated over and over, "Don't run with scissors, you will put your eye out!" But how many of you ever had a parent or a peer, let alone a Computer Science professor, point out the danger of running with pointers?

I'm sure you must all be familiar with the case of Harry Bumgartner, a programmer who worked at Eliant, the premier maker of check register software for the Timex Sinclair. One sunny morning, Mr. Bumgartner was presenting his new algorithm for calculating the deduction factor of a haircut in determining how work-related grooming expenses could be tabulated for tax purposes, when a young James B. Broley, thinking it humorous to rush into the conference room brandishing a fine birch pointer like a madman, suddenly put both of Mr. Bumgartner's eyes out.

Fortunately for Harry, he had suffered an attack of Cerebro Hepto-axial-cyto- mitochondrial-hytotic-miosis while serving with the Army in the Grenada operation in the mid 1980s and had lost vision in both eyes, so no serious harm was done.

Unfortunately for young Mr. Broley, his little prank cost him his job. He was recently sighted working the drive-thru window for an In-and-Out Burger in Fresno, CA.

Yet, this is not the the most horrific case I can make for the danger of running with pointers. There is always the case of Jane M. Doe (not her real pseudonym) of Los Angelis, Missouri.

Ms. Doe kindly consented to a brief interview for this public safety piece.

Pluspluss: Ms. Doe, if that is your real name, [At this point the guest became very belligerent], can you tell us, in your own words, if they are your own words [Now the guest began searching through her purse for, I was to find out later, a large gun] just how you came to suffer your disabling accident.

Doe: Look, I don't have to put up with this. I have a publicist, an agent, and have even chosen the actress that will play me in the upcoming ABC mini-series, "Lost at the Point!" (remember there is an exclamation point at the end). [She was now brandishing a gun in my direction].

Pluspluss: Well certainly, I'm all ears about this new venture that your "misfortune" has led you too."

Doe: [very angry now] Look, it's unsupported wannabe journalists like you working for self-proclaimed humor portals that are responsible for my predicament. I have half a mind to call my trainer David in to break your geeky butt in half. Oh David, this man is bothering me. Would you please dispose of him?

Pluspluss: [breathing hard with gaps between words, as if running] Thanks for... your time... Ms. Doe. I certainly hope you... find a way to... spend all your... "damages" efficiently... ouch, thorns...

As you can see from that excerpt recorded while I was running... I mean leaving Ms. Doe's compound, her encounter with a pointer was nothing less than shattering to her moral sense and willingness to talk with legitimate journalists.

I have now demonstrated the personal consequences of running with pointers (be they nice birch ones or even poorly made Korean pine) but let me now propose a safer alternative:

We must, as professional programmers, adopt the laser pointer as the standard pointer for all presentations, for these reasons:

1. In a word, efficiency. The laser uses a battery to provide a brilliant red spot. (Note: Looking at the light coming from the pointer's "business" end can result in blindness. You have been warned.) It is easier to see in a darkened room than even the famous birch pointer used by programmer Gerald M. Plotsnick.

2. More importantly, The laser pointer will not destroy one's eye if one accidently falls on it [Editor: Actually M.L., if one happens to fall on the pointer, it could (at least theoretically) get jammed into the eye socket. [M.L.: but I wasn't talking about that! I was talking about the pointy part]].

3. There are very few ways to hurt one's self with a laser pointer [Editor: Well, they could shine it in their eyes or something; or maybe try to pick their nose with it. [M.L.: Well, I was assuming they weren't stupid!]].

5. Perhaps, most importantly, laser pointers help ensure correctness in the presentation, thus reducing useless questions and comments on the presenter's style. Using laser pointers guarantees that the presenter knows what he is pointing at. So often with other pointer technologies, the presenter is able to apply the pointer to any item on the screen. With the laser pointer, the user must decide where it actually points if it is to have any meaning at all. This guarantees that the presenter will always pay attention to where the pointer is directed, unless he just doesn't give a damn.

6. More scalable. Due to limitations on lengths and the structural strength of wooden pointers, traditional pointers do not scale well to large presentations. As the size of the screen increases, so must the size of the pointer increase, until such a point that the pointer is either too limber and flexible to accurately point out the detail the presenter wishes or it is too heavy for the presenter to wield requiring some additional implementation technology such as a robot to actually wield the telephone pole sized pointer.

I believe that I have presented a very clear case supporting the need for all programmers to switch to laser pointers. I will be presenting this paper to the ACM when I get the chance and I believe that it is inevitable that the advantages of a laser pointer based system will supercede the current approach of using wooden technology. Clearly this provides safety advantages that can't be underestimated. But additionally, all programmers who adopt this position will know that they are adopting a proven system that is more efficient and scalable than the current "wooden" system most presenters currently use.

Let's Crack That Box

Fake News written by James Baughn on September 22, 1999

HOUSTON, TX -- Much has been said about the "Crack This Box!" publicity stunts held by Microsoft, LinuxPPC, and now PC Week. However, we have just learned that another box-cracking competition was held last Friday in conjunction with a Linux 8th birthday celebration in Texas.

VA Linux supplied the Linux boxes, while Gateway provided the Windows NT boxes. Both boxes featured triple-corrugated deluxe cardboard construction, however the Windows NT boxes did not perform as well as the Linux boxes during the competition.

In the first event, called "Windows Drag-N-Drop", two boxes were dragged to the tenth floor of an apartment building and then dropped out of the window. After hitting the concrete, the boxes were inspected by a team of judges for external cracks, deformities, and other performance issues. The VA Linux box was the clear winner.

The outcome of the second event was much different. Two boxes were each surrounded by a brick wall (what one judge called a "firewall"), with two teams competing against each other to remotely damage the boxes. The anti-Linux team was able to breach a hole in the wall and toss in a carton of fireworks, which promptly incinerated the VA Linux box. The Gateway/Windows NT box was unscathed.

Said one Linux box-cracker, "This test proves that Linux boxes are far less secure that Windows NT". This remark led to a flame war, with a group of irate Linux zealots screaming, "All this test proves is that the person who built the firewall is an idiot!" One participant later added, "If the test had continued much longer, the Windows NT box probably would have spontaneously combusted in the sun anyways."

The third and final event, however, was quite conclusive: VA Linux boxes are stronger. Two boxes were each turned upside down and then weights were added one by one until the boxes collapsed under the demand. The Linux box was able to handle twice the load that the Windows box could.

"This competition shows that Linux boxes are more secure, reliable, and robust. The next time I need to send a package, I'll make sure I use a box from VA Linux."

Not all were happy with the competition. "This is absurd! To come to the conclusion that Linux boxes are superior based on some silly tests conducted by drunk Linux advocates is beyond belief," one judge said (he hasn't been invited to the 9th birthday celebration next year).

One inebriated participant slurred, "This box-cracking competition was almost as much fun as the mouse-slinging event at Linux Kongress '99!"

Update: We'll See You In Court

Fake News written by Noah Morals on September 20, 1999

Today is a good day. Humorix has received a bark letter from Microsoft threatening to file a lawsuit over our recent patent claims. I'm hoping this will lead to a long, drawn-out lawsuit involving motions, counter-motions, counter-counter-motions, and, best of all, a ton of legal fees for me and my law firm. I may be the butt of every lawyer joke ever told, but the huge amount of money I rake in makes it all worth it.

I've attached a copy of the bark letter from Microsoft:

Dear Mr. Morals, et al:

We have just reviewed your recently acquired software patents. Some of these appear to infringe on previously acquired Microsoft patents. In light of this, we may be forced to file a lawsuit unless Humorix immediately withdraws the offending patents and purchases 1 million copies of Windows 2000 to reimburse our attorney fees.

In particular, the following Humorix patent is a blatant violation of Microsoft intellectual property:

• The distribution of hypertext-based syndicated humor and fake news content across a world-wide medium.

Microsoft has announced the release of Windows 2000 for 1999, and publically proclaimed Windows NT 4.0 and Windows 98 to be relatively bugfree and stable on hypertext-based systems across world-wide media. Our claims are obviously both humor and fake news. You are obviously trying to steal our ideas.

In addition, the following Humorix patent is void because Microsoft has held prior art in this field since 1995. We're referring to the Microsoft Network:

• The establishment of a world-wide online resource (a.k.a. "portal") containing advertisements, hype, and marketing gimmicks scattered among minimal anchor content stolen or syndicated from other outlets.

Finally, Microsoft has held the following patent for the past decade, one that Humorix is clearly in violation of:

• The concept of requesting and receiving patents for ideas that are so ridiculously obvious that no sane person would ever consider the possibility of patenting them.

Thank you for your attention.

Signed,

C. A. Pitalist
Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department

Pat N. Twar, Esq.
Deputy Under-Secretary, Patent Protection Division, Microsoft Legal Department

P. A. Pertrail
Microsoft Lawyer #523

Linux Ported To Zangelding

Fake News written by James Baughn on September 18, 1999

According to a Usenet post on alt.linux.zangelding, a group of Linux hackers have successfully ported Linux to Zangelding after six months of effort. "It was quite a difficult endeavor," said one Zangelding Linux programmer. "Zangelding is very, very cool, but it's a wee bit hard to program for. Not as bad as an Intel 8088 with 64KB of RAM, though."

Version 1.0 of the full Zangelding Linux (Zanix) distribution should be available for download next week. Zanix will include Zangelding-enhanced versions of Netscape 4.61, The Gimp, and StarOffice. El Cheapo*Bytes is expected to offer Zanix bundled with a "Zangelding for Dummies" book for US$14.95. In addition, a GNU/HURD port (code-named ZangHURDing) and a FreeBSD port (FreeZang) are underway and should be available before Y2K.

Zangelding is expected to become a US$2.3 billion industry by the end of the year. Zangelding consultants are demanding salaries of over US$100,000 per year. "I've never seen anything like it," said Eric Hokes, CEO of Zangelding Dot Com, a Zangelding consulting firm. "We're signing dozens of Zangelding consulting and support contracts with companies like General Motors and Wal-Mart every day. Now that Linux is Zangelding Compatible(tm), I'm expecting profits to soar even more. Our IPO next month is set to yield $125 million."

As a sign of Zangelding's growing popularity, nearly 500 people showed up at the first meeting of the Silicon Valley Zangelding Users Group yesterday. Newly elected SVZUG President Bob Van Gelder gave a keynote speech, "Just What The Heck Is Zangelding?" in which he explained, "Zangelding is a revolutionary Open Source, trans-dimensional, energy-efficient, meta-physical, post-post-modern, buzzword-compliant paradigm built on post-Einsteinian physics, the Griffin-Smith-Kerblutz multi-hypertext retrieval algorithms, the Herzen-Farrow higher-order sub-transform of the Mandelbrot Fractal, and Greenian meta-temporal analysis."

Zangelding is a relatively new concept that you may not be aware of, so we at Humorix have done some research and collected the following Web resources that might prove helpful in explaining more about Zangelding:

• LDP's Zangelding mini-HOWTO, explains how to set up Zangelding and install the Zanix distro. (This document was not online at press time, but is expected to be completed soon).

• ZangDot, a "News for Zangelders" website based on the Slashdot codebase

• "Get Rich Quick from Zangelding", a spam email sent to millions of people by a multi-level marketing firm called "ZanGOLD, Inc."

• Zangelding Success Stories, a collection of case studies on how Zangelding has improved productivity and reduced costs at such companies as McDonalds, Northwest Airlines, and Exxon.

• An Ad-Hoc Study of Greenian Meta-Temporal Analysis, a doctoral thesis written by James Bradshaw of the University of Missouri-Rolla about the mathematical underpinnings of the Zangelding universe. (Page was unavailable at press time due to a server upgrade.)

• Zangelding, A Way to a Better Life, a personal Zangelding fan page by Marko Kovanen

• The Official Zangelding Homepage, supposedly the official home of Zangelding. However, you'd think that the people behind such a revolutionary paradigm as Zangelding could create a more professional looking page.

The Great Portal War

Fake News written by James Baughn on September 17, 1999

In its IPO prospectus, Andover.Net warns:

"Some members of the Open Source community have criticized the commercialization of the Open Source movement. This type of negative reaction, if widely shared by our visitors, developers or the rest of the Open Source community, could harm our reputation and diminish the Andover.Net brand. Our business, results of operations and financial condition could suffer."

This is no longer an idle threat. For some people, the announced Initial Public Offering of Andover stock is the last straw. The Great Portal War of 1999 has begun.

Eric Rembrandt, a Linux kernel hacker, is the leader of a growing anti-Andover, anti-Slashdot, anti-commercialization faction. "It's time we return to our non-profit roots and not be subverted by evil Wall Street," he said. His faction has created a Free Portal Foundation and launched the so-called GAS Project (GAS Ain't Slashdot).

The goal of the FPF and GAS is to maintain a network of portal websites similar in content to Andover.Net offerings but different in ideology. "All GAS portals will be licensed under the GAS General Portal License," Rembrandt explained. "This license will prohibit anybody from making any profit on GAS content under any conditions whatsoever."

Work is already underway on "Dot Org Slash", a Slashdot alternative focusing on "Gossip for Geeks" but without any advertisements, user accounts, moderation, Star Wars hype, Jon Katz editorials, or dumb spelling or grammatical errors.

Another GAS initiative is "Colonel Panic", a non-profit Linux humor site allowing Bazaar-style user submission of articles. Obviously this is a direct competitor to Humorix. Said one GAS Project member, "Humorix sucks. The site never was very good, but it really went downhill after they sold-out to Wall Street and Madison Avenue suits with their much-hyped IPO. We plan on having real, non-profit Linux humor, not excessive Microsoft bashing designed to attract more eyeballs."

Other portals the GAS Project has its targets locked on include several "dot coms" (or as one radical GAS militant says, "dot cons"): linux.com, redhat.com, linuxworld.com, and linuxtoday.com. "Doesn't it seem ironic that these sites provide proprietary content about a non-proprietary operating system?" a FPF charter member asks. "It would be like Microsoft releasing the full API specs to Windows 2000 online under the OpenContent License.

The backers of the Free Portal Foundation aren't the only people upset over the Andover.Net IPO. Richard M. Stallman wrote in a recent Usenet post, "I'm rather irritated... I just checked their IPO prospectus. The terms 'Open Source' and 'Linux' are used 93 and 128 times, respectively. Meanwhile, the terms 'Free Software' and 'GNU/Linux' are used zero times. This is intolerable..."

We've heard rumors that a group of disgruntled Anonymous Cowards plan to initiate a FPDOSA (First Post Denial of Service Attack) in the weeks leading up to the IPO. One AC said, "We've had it. We're fighting back against The Man (Rob Malda) and his legion of AC oppressors. Right before the IPO we're going to bombard Slashdot with thousands of First Posts on each story, bringing the Slashdot servers to their knees. The technical unreliability will make investors think twice about investing in Andover.Net, and hopefully the stock will collapse. Wall Street hasn't yet faced the raw power of the Anonymous Coward!"

Due to SEC regulations, Rob Malda, Patrick Lentz, and Bruce A. Twickler were all unavailable for comment at press time. Humorix's stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) fell sharply from 2 1/4 to 1 1/32 when the GAS Project announced the competing Colonel Panic website, prompting several firms to downgrade Humorix from "SELL NOW" to "YOU'RE A FOOL IF YOU INVEST IN THIS" status.

*Patents Pending

Fake News written by Noah Morals on September 14, 1999

I love the US Patent & Trademark Office. Their policy of accepting all applications for software patents ensures that lawyers like me have an endless supply of customers. It's quite simple:

Software patents + American legal system = Financial independence for lawyers

So, I was quite ecstatic when James Baughn asked me about the possibility of securing some patents for Humorix. "No problem!" I said. Two weeks later, and all of the paperwork along with the um, necessary, ah... fees (bribes) has been sent to the USPTO.

Some of the patents that Humorix now has a claim on include:

• The distribution of hypertext-based syndicated humor and fake news content across a world-wide medium.

• The act of writing self-referential, fictional humor material in lieu of real fake news.

• The act of employing self-referential, meta-humor about self-referential humor.

• The act of composing meta-meta-humor material containing infinite levels of recursion and self-referentialism.

• The creation of a software application that simulates the content of a world-wide online resource by employing a pseudo-random number generator.

• The establishment of a world-wide online resource (a.k.a. "portal") containing advertisements, hype, and marketing gimmicks scattered among minimal anchor content stolen or syndicated from other outlets.

• The publication of fictional patent claims under the byline of a fictional lawyer personae.

• The construction of a three dimensional object formed by bending a flexible material in such a way that all points are of equal radial distance from a center point. (some of you may want to call this a "wheel", however, in our patent claim, this is a TEP, "threespace equidistance paradigm".)

• The art of broadcasting huge volumes of unsolicited commercial messages via an electronic mail medium to destinations world wide. (We here at Humorix don't actually employ this, but this patent could be a useful mallet for banging evil spammers on the head with. Instead of sending out 'You're a winner!' scams, spammers who violate this patent (all of them) will be receiving 'You're a defendant!' meatspace letters.)

• The invention of recursive, infinitely expandable acronyms (i.e. PATENT Aquisition Through ExteNsive Thievery). Richard M. Stallman may have created the first recursive acronym, but we're the first to patent it.

If these patent applications are accepted (and they will be since I have several connections in the USPTO), Humorix may also apply to register trademarks like "Humorix", "Vast Spy Network", "Linux Humor", "Portal", "World Domination", "Humorix World Headquarters", "Dothead", and "Neural Implant From the Future". When it comes to intellectual property, you can never snatch acquire enough.

Turn Karma Into Cash

Fake News written by James Baughn on September 13, 1999

Taco Boy's latest duct-tape-and-bailing-wire Perl hack on the Slashdot codebase involving "karma" and "MetaModeration" has opened a golden opportunity for entrepreneurs to buy and sell used Slashdot accounts. Several Dotheads with low-numbered accounts and high karma values have placed their accounts up for auction at eBay in the hopes to get-rich-quick.

"Why not?" asked "Captain Dothead", a Slashdot regular auctioning off account number 176. "After weeks of painstaking work, I've been able to increase my karma value to astronomical levels. If I can reap a few hundred dollars from the deal, I'll be able to establish my own Linux portal website (cheesy-linux-portal.com, perhaps?), and within six months I'll have an IPO and become a millionaire. It worked for you guys at Humorix, right?"

Some Slashdot addicts are viewing the new moderation system as a game, much like a role-playing world in which players spend time crafting their characters and abilities. "Accumulating karma points is fun," the holder of account #15,623 said. "I don't care about posting insightful or interesting comments... all I'm interested in is posting comments that are guaranteed to be moderated up to a 5 with as little effort as possible. I've got a bet with a friend that I can improve my karma to 25 point by the end of the week... I know I'm going to win, unless CmdrTaco starts mucking with the system again..."

One "DotBayHead" (a newly coined term describing a combined Slashdot and eBay addict) has uploaded a "Slashdot Karma mini-HOWTO" to the LDP. This document contains numerous strategies for increasing the property value (karma) of a user account, including:

• Use reverse pyschology. Adding the tagline "Go ahead and moderate this post down" to your posts will typically cause the moderators to boost your rating.

• Subliminal messages can be very effective. Inserting the phrase "You _WILL_ boost my karma points" as an HTML comment has been known to be very effective.

• Make fun of Bill Gates. Make fun of Microsoft. Make fun of Windows. Repeat as necessary.

• Gratuitous Microsoft bashing is a guaranteed karma booster. Did the featured link crash as the result of the Slashdot Effect? Is it running Windows NT and IIS? Point it out! On average, "such-and-such.com is running Microsoft crapware" posts rank 14.5% higher than other non-Microsoft-bashing comments.

• Post a "Top Ten List". It doesn't have to be funny: studies have indicated that a moderator will automatically mark a post as "Funny" upon seeing the words "Top Ten List" before actually reading the rest of it.

• Prove that the article is a hoax. This method is becoming increasingly more difficult as "roblimo" actually does some fact checking; however, CmdrTaco is still known to post hoaxes or wild rumors occasionally that can be discredited.

• Mention Neil Stephenson. Some "Cryptonomicon" fan will instantly boost your post's score, even if your comment is off-topic.

If that isn't enough, our Vast Spy Network(tm) reports that a spammer is already broadcasting "Get Rich Quick from Slashdot.org!" messages. "You too can make $50,000 per month EASY by creating and selling Slashdot user accounts," the advertisement claims. "A low-numbered Slashdot account with 30+ karma points is easily worth $250 on eBay... What are you waiting for? Sign up TODAY for our KARMA KASH KOLLECTOR KIT for only $49.95 by calling (877)..."

We Need A Geek Telethon

Column written by Jon Splatz on September 8, 1999

I had the strangest dream last night. Usually I dream about being assimilated by the Microsoft Borg, but last night was different. I dreamt of a Geek Telethon broadcasted on network TV to raise money for geek interests. After giving this idea some thought, it actually seems half-way reasonable: every other disadvantaged group has a telethon. Why not geeks?

My dream went something like this:

ANNOUNCER: Liiivvveee from Silicon Valley... it's the first annual Geek Grok telethon, featuring such geek stars as Eric S. Raymond, Linus Torvalds, Alan Cox, and Larry Wall! For the next 24 hours, we'll be raising money for America's beleaguered geek community. Annnndddd noooooooooowww.... the hosts of this year's telethon, Mr. Eric "Bazaar" Raymond and Larry "Postmodern" Wall!

ESR: Welcome, everybody! You might be wondering why this network has pre-empted amateur women's golf to bring you this telethon. Indeed, you might be wondering just what a geek is, and why they are a disadvantaged group worthy of a 24 hour telethon. In this zeroth hour of our broadcast, we hope to answer these questions and -- of course -- get those phones ringing!

LW: To make a contribution, you can call (877)-YES-GEEK, send email to pledges at geekthon dot org, or visit our secure website at aitch-tee-tee-pee colon slash slash double-u double-u double-u dot geekthon dot org. Behind me is our Geek Pledge Board; it currently shows zero, but by the end of today we hope it's at $1E6 or more!

ESR: Before we get underway, I'd like to introduce Eric Jones, a disadvantaged member of the geek community who has been forced to live in a homeless shelter. Eric? Come on out here and tell us about yourself...

JONES: Well, I'm a consultant for a Bay Area corporation. Due to the housing crisis, I've been forced to sleep in a shelter.

ESR: How much do you make?

JONES: Over $100,000 a year.

LW: Wow! And you still can't afford housing or rent?

JONES: That's right. Prices are through the roof around here, and with my salary I can't even afford a treehouse or outhouse. I'm forced to live in a run-down homeless shelter along with other homeless geeks and executives.

ESR: That sounds terrible, Eric.

JONES: It is, Eric. It really is.

ESR: Hopefully with this telethon we'll be able to raise money to fund new shelters for disadvantaged geeks like Eric here. We also have plans for a Silicon Valley Terraforming Initiative in which several square miles of Pacific Ocean will be turned into usuable land for building housing and apartments for geeks.

LW: However, we can't do these things without your help. Eric and thousands of geeks and Silicon Valley denizens are counting on you to come through and help end this social injustice.

(Brief pause)

ESR: Do I here a phone ringing? That must be our first caller! Let's go and say hello.

(Picks up the phone) Hello? This is Eric Raymond, co-host of the Geek Grok '99 telethon. Do you wish to make a pledge?

CALLER: Hell no! I'm Bob Farrow of Gluckstadt, Mississippi, and I think this entire telethon is a horrible, evil joke!

ESR: (worried) What?

CALLER: Giving money to nerds with six-figure incomes? I can't believe my local TV affiliate is carrying this nonsense... I can't believe I've bothered to call! Meanwhile, schools around here can't afford textbooks more recent than 1960 and I'm living in a trailer with my wife and mother-in-law...

ESR: (hangs up the phone) Sorry, but we seem to be experiencing technical difficulties...

LW: I suppose now is a good time to bring out our musical talent...

(The Geek Chorus comes on stage and sings such songs as "The Bluescreen Blues", "I've Got Two Tickets To Linux Expo", "Geeks Can't Get No R-E-S-P-E-C-T", and "Pick On Somebody Your Own IQ".)

LW: Let's look at the pledge board, shall we? $500? That's all? C'mon people... $500 is barely enough to afford a shrinkwrapped box of Red Hat Linux, much less enough to end the social injustices and hardships that geeks face nationwide!

ESR: This telethon isn't just about helping disenfranchised geeks. We're also here for the betterment of mankind through our research into finding a Cure for Windows.

Each day, millions of man-hours are wasted due to design flaws in Microsoft Windows. Each day, millions of dollars are sent by business and individuals like yourself into a huge black hole known as "Microsoft" for exorbitantly priced software products that should be free.

But don't worry. We've almost found a Cure for Windows. Geeks worldwide have toiled endlessly for the past eight years working on a replacement operating system called Linux. It's almost ready. Now we need to convince the world to use our creation and eliminate the virus known as Windows.

I'd like to introduce you to Linus Torvalds, the mastermind behind Linux and the man striving to innoculate the world against Windows.

LT: (wearing a "World domination. Fast!" T-shirt) Hello!

ESR: Tell us a little about yourself.

LT: Well, many people worship me as a god... Other than that, I have a small job at a start-up firm called Transmeta where we're designing a next-generation CPU architecture that can exec... um, well, I've said too much already. Pesky Non-Disclosure Agreements, you know.

ESR: Linus here is going to do a little demonstration of how his operating system compares with Windows 98. We're going to need some volunteers from the audience... anybody with some experience with Windows? Raise your hands... okay, you, you, you, and you, c'mon on down here!

(Rob Malda, Miguel de Icaza, Tom Christensen, and Trae McCombs, pretending not to be geeks, step forward)

LT: For the record, I've never met any of these people. This is not rigged. Have you all used Windows before?

(All four nod their heads.)

LT: Good. Tove, could you bring out those Windows boxes? Thank you. While she's doing that, why don't you guys introduce yourselves.

MALDA: I work at a, um, uh, a Taco Bell restaurant in Holland, Michigan, where I slash prices and typically don't wear pants.

ICAZA: (with Mexican accent) I'm an antiques and collectibles dealer that specializes in garden gnomes.

TOM: I'm a, um, pearl reseller.

TRAE: I do graphic design.

LT: Okay. You four volunteers are going to play a game called "Crash that Box!" The first person who can cause Windows 98 to display a fatal error message wins.

TRAE: That sounds too easy...

(The "volunteers" sit down and start hacking.)

ESR: While these volunteers are busy crashing Windows, let me point out that anybody who pledges over $25 will receive a free CD-ROM with Debian Linux along with a booklet about getting started with the system...

(At this point Malda's computer shows the Blue Screen of Death, causing the audience to laugh hysterically)

MALDA: I didn't do anything... When the screensaver activated, the system crashed by itself! What do I win? What do I win?

ESR: Let me just reiterate that this demo was not rigged in any way... Windows really is that fragile!

LT: That's right. Now, this other machine here is running Linux. Rob, could you come over here and type 'uptime' at the prompt and hit ENTER?

ESR: Look at that! This machine has been online continuously for 243 days!

(Camera zoom in on the screen, and then pans to an excited audience shouting "Ooooh!" and "Ahhhh!")

LT: (smiling) And that concludes this demonstration.

(Phones start ringing off the hook.)

ESR: Listen! That's the sound of dozens of people donating money to help fight injustices against the geek nation and to help finance Linux world dominat... er, Linux world acceptance. Let's keep those phones ringing!

LW: Building a Cure for Windows isn't the only task that geekdom is confronted with. Geeks everywhere are faced with poor working conditions and discrimination by the rest of the population. These injustices must be stopped... and they can, with YOUR pledge!

ESR: That's right, Larry. Geeks suffer discrimination, ridicule, and bullying at school, work... well, at just about every aspect of life. With us right now are a group of geeks that have suffered these injustices. Meet Eric Sloan, Eric Wiederkind, and Erik Dorfman.

LW: Eric Sloans, we'll start with you. What kind of trauma did you have to put up with?

SLOAN: I was the Head Geek at my high school... the entire school computer system was held together by duct tape, I mean Perl scripts that I had written...

LW: Cool!

SLOAN: ...Anyways, as a result I was the target of the so-called Jock Rockers, members of the football team who thought they were all going to be NFL players. If I had a dollar for every wedgie I got... Oh, man. Even the teachers hated me... the gym teacher broke into laughter anytime I tried to do a pull-up.

ESR: Oh, that sounds horrible! They made you do pull-ups?!?

SLOAN: Well, now that I've graduated I'm having the last laugh. The football captain knocked-up two girlfriends and is now working at McDonalds, meanwhile my Internet start-up just had its IPO and I'm a millionaire. Oh, and the P.E. teacher was fired after it was revealed that his high school diploma was forged.

ESR: You still had to suffer. I can't... I mean... this just really, really upsets me! Geeks suffering at the hands of idiots... What is this world coming too? This is the key reason why I'm the founder of the "Geeks with Guns" movement...

LW: Aw, geez, not again! Could you save the GWG spiel for later, when we're not on the air? Quickly moving on... Eric Wiederkind, tell us about your experiences trying to get a job.

WIEDERKIND: I was trying to switch into a different career from computer programming. Programming for money sucks... you have to deal with PHBs, 16 hour days, and spending the night in your cubicle half of the time to avoid the Commute From Hell.

ESR: Poor working conditions... That's an injustice all geeks must face. (To the camera) Listen folks, five cents out of every dollar you donate will go to the newly formed Geek Guild, a labor union and trade group devoted to improving working conditions in Cubicle Farms. It's time to fight back against the Suits.

Anyways, please continue, Eric...

WIEDERKIND: Well, like you say, I didn't want to deal with that injustice anymore... I minored in Journalism of all things, so I tried to switch into a job as an IT pundit. You'd think they'd welcome a geek like me with open arms, but they didn't.

Ziff-Davis wouldn't even give me an interview. I was "too qualified" they said. Apparently my technical acumen was too much for their organization, which employs Jesse Berst and the ilk.

It gets worse. I tried to get an entry-level reporting job for a local-yokel paper. After the interview they gave me a "skills test": I had to compose an article using Microsoft Word 97. Since I've never touched a Windows box, I had no clue how to use it. When I botched the test, the personnel manager spouted, "Your resume said you were a computer programmer. Obviously you're a liar. Get out of my office now!"

After several more unsuccessful attempts to land jobs at firms with obvious anti-geek prejudices, I gave up and went back into computer programming. I'm back in a cubicle..."

ESR: (shakes head) What a tragic story. Geek oppression is something that cannot be tolerated.

Alright, moving on... Erik Dorfman, what's your story?

DORFMAN: Everybody keeps blaming me for the Y2K problem, the Melissa Virus, Windows crashes... you name it. When somebody finds out you're a bona fide geek, they start bugging you about computer problems. I frequently hear things like, "Why can't you geeks make Windows work right?", "What kind of idiot writes a program that can't handle the year 2000?", "Geeks are evil, all they do is write viruses", and "The Internet is the spawn of Satan".

I'm afraid to admit I have extensive computing experience. When somebody asks what kind of job I have, I always lie. From my experience, admitting that you're a geek is an invitation to disaster.

LW: I know, I know. I sometimes say that I'm the founder of a pearl harvesting company instead of admitting that I'm the founder of the Perl programming language.

ESR: This is tragic. We can't live in a world like this. We need your donations to fight social oppression and ignorance against geekdom...

The dream abruptly ended at this point when a cockroach ran across my face, causing me to awaken. My apartment complex barely meets city codes, and it shows. It's supposed to be fumigated next week, but I figure the roaches will be back within a month. Hopefully sales of my newly released book, "Business @ the Speed of Windows" will allow me to move to a somewhat more upscale apartment.

Nevertheless, the above transcript is a good indication of how successful a Geek telethon could be. Complaining about geek oppression on Slashdot isn't going to accomplish anything (except maybe raise your "karma" points). It's time to take action.

What do you think? Write me at jonsplatz [at] i-want-a-website [dot] com

Treaty of Helsinki Signed

Fake News written by James Baughn on September 1, 1999

HELSINKI, FINLAND -- A cease-fire in the flame war between Linux and FreeBSD has been reached. A group of two dozen Linux and FreeBSD zealots met in Helsinki to ratify a treaty bringing a temporary end to the hostile fighting between both camps. "Today is a good day for peace," one observer noted. "Now both sides can lay down their keyboards and quit flaming the opposing side on Usenet and Slashdot."

The cease-fire is a response to the sudden increase in fighting that has occured over the past two weeks. The Slashdot server became a victim of the cross-fire this week when thousands of Anonymous Cowards and Geek Zealots posted inflammatory comments that amounted to, "My OS is better than your OS!" Many nerds, suffering withdrawl symptoms when the Slashdot site slowed to a crawl, demanded that the bickering stop.

"I can't take it anymore! It takes two minutes to download the Slashdot homepage -- assuming the site is actually online. I must have my 'News for Nerds' now! I realize that Slashdot is being migrated to a load-balanced system, but I'm not sure if that will help. Thousands of crusaders posting flames in this petty holy war will bring down any website no matter how cosmic the configuration. The fighting must stop," one Anonymous Coward ranted.

Indeed, with the Treaty of Helsinki, the fighting and flaming has stopped. But for how long is the big question. History is not on the side of those who want peace.

Last month's Treaty of Holland, an agreement between three dozen Anonymous Cowards and Rob Malda, doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Under the agreement, the ACs would agree not to post any more First Post! (or Second Post!, or 348th Post!) comments. While the quantity of these posts subsided for a few weeks, they seem to be coming back. The Army of Anonymous Cowards is not easily controlled.