Microsoft's Halloween 6.66 Document

Fake News written by James Baughn on October 31, 1999

While Eric S. Raymond is busy wearing his Obi-Wan Kenobi costume at a Halloween party, we here at Humorix have been able to acquire a leaked interal Microsoft memorandum which we've dubbed "Halloween 6.66". Our contact within Microsoft, Mr. John Birckendorf, sent us this document in exchange for 1,000 shares of Humorix stock. As you shall see, the contents of this document are downright scary and shouldn't be viewed by those easily frightened by corporate doublespeak.

An Ad-Hoc Investigation Of The Similarities Between "Open Source" and "Borg" Paradigms

F. U. Draker
Vice Chairman of Microsoft's Linux Focus Group

October 12, 1999
Microsoft Confidential

Introduction

For years the unenlightened anti-Microsoft masses have compared Microsoft to the Borg collective ala "Star Trek". In this memo I intend to demonstrate that the so-called "Open Source Community" is actually far more Borg-like than Microsoft ever could be.

I submit as evidence the following seven items:

Item 1. Instant communications

Each Borg individual is wired into the network of the whole collective. Likewise, each Open Source individual (hereafter referred to as "The Enemy") is wired into the network of the whole collective: in this case, the Internet, or more precisely, Slashdot. The Enemy is rarely out of IP-tone of the Slashdot collective consciousness, much in the same way a Borg is permanently connected to every other Borg.

Item 2. Advocacy

The Enemy's reaction to our "Linux Myths" page is a clear indication of Borg-like behavior. The headline appeared on Slashdot, and as a result, was immediately broadcasted to thousands of Enemy hackers. Within hours, dozens of rebuttals propagated across the Net. Many of these advocacy pieces contained the same mantra: "Microsoft sucks, Linux rules", which rougly translates to "I am Linux of Borg. Prepare to be copylefted. Resistance is futile."

Item 3. Assimilation

Everyone jokes about how Microsoft "assimilates" rival companies by acquiring them. However, our acquisitions are designed to spur innovation, not assimilation. This is not true of the Enemy. The Cult of Open Source is spreading rapidly; each day an increasing number of people and companies are assimilated into the collective.

Netscape, Corel, Apple, and Sun have all embraced the Enemy ideology to varying degrees -- in other words, they've been assimilated. And yet, at the same time, there is little innovation: the biggest projects in the Enemy collective are to produce GUIs and office applications duplicating what Microsoft has already done.

Item 4. Decentralization

The Borg and the Enemy do not have a single point of failure. Killing a single Borg or destroying a single Borg ship does little to harm the overall collective. The same holds of the Enemy. Even if our attempts to hire Alan Cox or to buy the linux.com domain were successful, the Open Source combine would continue unabated.

As a result, previously discussed strategies (acquiring Red Hat, bribing the Federal government to deport Linus Torvalds back to Finland, filing a lawsuit against Slashdot, etc.) will be ineffective against the whole. Any offensive measure against the Enemy must be swift and damaging to the Collective as a whole.

Item 5. Conformity

The Enemy leaders pontificate about "freedom", but that's just propaganda. Open Source licenses, particularly the GPL, are all about conformity. The essence of the GPL is: "If you use any Free Software in your own programs, your work is automatically assimilated into the Collective. You must conform to our rules, or else you can't play." Moreover, Richard Stallman's "Use GNU/Linux!" crusade shows that this Borg-like conformity even applies to trivial things like nomenclature.

Slashdot and Usenet discussions are conformist as well. Bucking the party line in any way (criticizing Linux, praising Microsoft, attacking core Open Source ideologies, etc.) instantly results in flamage and negative moderation. Those who do not conform are quickly labelled as "Trolls" and "Flamebaiters" and are ostracized from the Collective.

Item 6. Identification

Two numbers are used to identify individual Borg: Five Of Ten, for instance. Likewise, a set of two numbers are often used to identify Enemy hackers: their IP number, and their Slashdot user account number. This similarity is not coincidental.

Item 7. Ultimate goal

The Enemy plots World Domination & Assimilation, while the Borg plots Universal Domination & Assimilation.

Conclusion

As demonstrated by the above seven items, the Open Source community is far more Borg-like than Microsoft. I suggest that Microsoft institute new training requirements: every employee must watch key episodes of "Star Trek" to learn more about the Borg. This knowledge will be crucial in understanding, and eventually defeating, the Enemy.

Book Review: Guide To Defending Against Lawsuits

Book Review written by Jon Splatz on October 29, 1999

Sue Peena's new book, "The Illustrated Complete In A Nutshell Idiot's Guide To Learning The Zen And Art Of Defending Against Lawsuits In 21 Days For Dummies", focuses on how to work-around American's out-of-control legal system. It's a great read, although some of the author's suggestions are a bit too much.

The release of this book is quite timely with recent events. As I've ranted earlier, the US legal system, especially in regard to intellectual property, has run amok. Amazon's patent on "one-click shopping", Unisys' lock on .GIF files, IDG's tirade against "For Dummies" references, attempts to patent the human genome... the list goes on and on. And let's not forget Humorix's ongoing legal dispute with Microsoft.

Something needs to be done about this situation before it gets out of control and a Lawyerclysm occurs. Thankfully, Ms. Peena's book is the answer. Written by a former ambulance chaser who had trouble sleeping at night and decided to end her evil ways, this book provides timely and useful suggestions for beating the system.

Chapter 4, "So you've been sued by a big evil corporation like Microsoft", is particularly enriching. Some of her suggestions include:

• Claim that your company does not violate any trademarks owned by the Big Evil Corporation (BEC) because you are in a completely different business. "We produce quality software," you might argue. "Clearly this is a field untouched by Microsoft."

• Argue that your company has employed prior usage or art. For example, in a case against IDG, you could argue, "Back in the 1980's, we published a book called, 'MS-DOS For Unix Admins Who Are Forced To Use DOS Because Their Dummy Boss Told Them So'. Two years later we published the popular title, 'The UNIX fsck Program For fscking Morons'. The concept of insulting our readers by giving our books derogatory titles is clearly our idea."

• Claim that the BEC's trademark is in the public domain because of dilution. In court, this line of defense would sound like, "'Microsoft Windows' is in common usage; the term is commonly used to describe small, flexible pieces of plexi-glass. 'ActiveX' and 'DirectX' are commonly used by porn magnates to describe the content of their magazines. As for 'Visual Basic', my high school Physics teacher used the term 'Visual Basic System' to describe the process of visualizing a problem to make it more basic and simple. And don't get me started about 'Bob', 'Word', and 'Excel'..."

• Dodge the lawsuit altogether by relocating your company to a small, obscure country that has sensible intellectual property laws (i.e. none), preferably with an easy-to-bribe government. Even the most powerful BEC can't touch you, unless, of course, they've already relocated to the rogue country and dominated the government.

That last suggestion seems a bit far-fetched. However, I showed this book to several other Humorix staffers and they seemed quite enthusiastic about it. "This would end our legal dispute with Microsoft real quick," one said. Mr. G. E. Trich, our Investor Relations Liason, pointed out, "We could do one better by acquiring some obscure Pacific island and establishing our own rogue, independent nation. It could be called Humorixia."

Even though the book contains a few other outlandish ideas, "...Defending Against Lawsuits..." is the perfect addition to the bookshelf of any person worried about getting sued (i.e. just about everybody). Attached below is the table of contents. Write me at jonsplatz [at] i-want-a-website [dot] com.

Table of Contents

1. Opening statements
2. A fool and his money are soon sued
3. Life's a lawsuit, then you die
4. Courtroom proceedings are nothing like "Matlock"
5. So you've been sued by a big evil corporation like Microsoft
6. Buying Congressmen on the stock exchange: bribe low, sell high
7. Establish your own government in 21 days
8. There's nothing wrong with clogging the legal system with frivolous lawsuits... as long as you're the one filing them
9. Steal this book... legally
10. Attack of the killer Y2K lawyers: why 1900 could be a very bad year for you
11. Trademark dilution... for dummies
12. Closing arguments

Windows 2000 Rumors

Fake News written by Daniel Pfeiffer on October 28, 1999

Microsoft developers are working on a revolutionary virtual 2000×2000 resolution which will be the only resolution available for all platforms from PDAs to workstations. This will be realized by calculating the value of each physical pixel from the weighted average of the virtual pixels that (partly) map to it. This will happen on the fly, with subsequent anti-aliasing to smoothe rough edges. The result is then enhanced to give more contrast and gaudier colours. The engine for this is called Windows 2000 eXtension For Rendering Electroshock Elegantly at 86 (64 + 8.3 + B[ill]) km/h, also called XFree86®.

Internet Explorer 2000 is being enhanced with a module called The Graphical Integrated Magnification Processor, The GIMP®. Its purpose is to automatically magnify all pages containing a best-viewed-with-IE-at-800×600 type of icon to take full advantage of this fantastic new resolution. The icon is replaced with the builtin only-viewable-with-Windows-2000 icon. The GIMP module is also used to display legacy applications for DOS 3 to NT 4 at the new resolution.

Pages containing a best-viewed-with-Netscape type of icon are processed by the Link Inversion Network Update eXtender, Linux®, module. This automatically redirects to the Microsoft website. (To avoid unfair trade practice complaints this can be turned off by editing the registry entry BeautifyNetscapePages in the Internet Explorer section to "NoWay!!!" and confirming that this will void the warranty. In that case the page will be shown in a 640×400 frame without scrollbars and the Microsoft website in the other frames.)

To increase the acceptance for Windows 2000, Microsoft has opted for the open source distribution model. This means that the source, i.e. the online shop at the Microsoft website, will be open on a 24/7 basis (guaranteed no more than 7 server-failures a day thanks to Back End Orifice Wolfpack Upset Lessening Factor, Beowulf®). However due to remaining Y2K problems, as well as alignment errors when running on the future DaimlerChrysler Mercedes IA2000 Processor, the release of Windows 2000 is rumored by Bill Gates as being unlikely before 2nd quarter 1901.

Microsoft Acquires Transmeta

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on October 23, 1999

REDMOND, WA -- In a bombshell event for the Linux community, Microsoft just announced the acquisition of mystery company Transmeta. According to our sources, the intent of the buyout has nothing to do with Linus Torvalds. Apparently Microsoft was after the Transmeta webmaster, who has been promoted to Release Manager for Windows 2000.

The former webmaster's first duty is to distribute Windows 2000 boxes to store shelves worldwide. These boxes will contain nothing but packing materials and a note saying "This product is not here yet." People who actually purchase these boxes can return the notice to Microsoft after January 12, 2002 for a real copy of Windows 2000 (assuming it's finished by then).

Microsoft spokesman Marc E. Ting boasted in a press conference held today, "Windows 2000 is the best Microsoft product ever made." To demonstrate its superiority to so-called "stable" operating systems such as Linux or FreeBSD, he offered a $10,000 bounty to any person who finds a bug in the package, or who can make it crash (without using physical force). He added, "No other OS vendor has done this. Microsoft is the first... this is yet another example of Microsoft Innovation."

The Gartner Group immediately issued an advisory predicting that Windows will eliminate the need for Linux in a matter of mere days.

Amidst all of the hype, several questions still remain about the future of Transmeta. According to our Vast Spy Network(tm), the company was working on a so-called "Athlon Killer Killer Killer" chip that would far surpass AMD's "Athlon Killer Killer" and Intel's "Athlon Killer". Unconfirmed rumors say that this product will be scrapped in favor of a CPU with Windows 98 hard-coded into the processor's initialization routines.

More importantly, nobody has answered the question "What about Linus?" We suspect he and his family will flee from Silicon Valley before Microsoft tries to "assimilate" him, but right now we don't know.

Linux Ported To "Stone-Age Flint Chips"

Fake News written by James Baughn on October 22, 1999

"I can't imagine why Windows NT users would want to switch to Linux. This way of thinking is like saying, 'The latest, most advanced stone-age flint chips ever sold. Trade your gas furnace for one today!'"
   -- Anthony O'Krongly, author of yet another anti-Linux diatribe

In response to that statement, a group of Linux longhairs are vowing to "fight fire with fire" with "Flintix", a new Linux distro designed to efficiently generate heat using stone age technology.

"Gas furnaces are overrated," the webmaster of the new Flintix portal website explained. "Not only do they require proprietary fuel only available from large corporations, but they have a tendency to explode. They suffer periodic breakdowns and require regular maintenance from professionals. Just like Windows."

The Flintix crew argues that "stone age technology" doesn't suffer from those drawbacks. "Burning wood, or rubbing two flint chips together... both of these techniques efficiently and inexpensively produce heat without the risk of combustion, mechanical failures, or carbon monoxide poisoning. Just like Linux. This technology forms the perfect platform for a Linux port."

A pre-alpha Flintix release for certain wood cook stove models is already available. Fireplace-insert stoves, campfire pits, flint chips, BBQ grills, and magnifying glasses should be supported within the next six months. The Boy Scouts of America organization has expressed interest in the software and may work on a version for two-sticks-rubbed-together as a national project.

Explained one Flintix developer, "Obviously, these types of platforms impose certain restrictions. However, we have learned much from other Linux porting efforts to tin cans, abacusses, Homer Simpson's brain, and Zangelding, so we don't foresee any major problems with this architecture. We, of course, won't be able to port every feature of Linux, but since we're only interested in generating heat, the results should be more than acceptable."

The Flintix group showed a live demonstration of the system running on a freestanding stove. This particular stove had two wheels in front that could be turned to regulate the flow of oxygen to the fire. These were also used as a rudimentary input device: commands could be entered by turning the wheels in certain patterns. The pre-alpha system did not have a working output mechanism; however, kernel panics or serious errors would trigger the smoke alarms installed in the building.

The Flintix website lists some of the features that are planned, include:

• Multiuser support. The system will remember the temperature preference of each user and adjust the level of heat output when that person enters or exits the building.

• "Vacation Mode". Flintix will reduce heat output to a level high enough to prevent freezing of pipes, but low enough to conserve wood, over an extended period of time.

• Tripwire Mechanism. A string can be attached to the stove and spread out across the floor. If a burglar breaks in and trips over the wire, the system activates and releases a huge cloud of smoke that triggers the smoke alarms and hopefully scares off the criminal.

• Firewall and built-in security. The Flintix-enabled stove can be built behind a brick firewall that will prevent unauthorized access to the system.

(Needless to say, some of these features may not be applicable to Flintix versions for flint chips, campfires, or magnifying glasses.)

The existence of this Linux port should dispell any myths that "New Technology" is always better. So what if Linux is based on 70's technology? So what if wood-burning stoves rely on "Stone Age" innovations?

Representatives from Microsoft, OPEC, and Associated Natural Gas were all unavailable for comment at press time. The stocks for several fireplace manufacturers were up slightly as this story went to press.

Update: Microsoft 'ActiveBill' Runs Linux

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on October 21, 1999

[Editor's Note: A member of our Vast Spy Network(tm), Bernhard Rosenkraenzer, Red Hat employee, submitted the following report about our recent "Bill Gates Passes Turing Test" article.]

I have just had a chance to see ActiveBill first hand. The holographic projection suddenly stood in my office, apparently as part of a campaign to spy on Red Hat (doesn't Microsoft realize that hackers work here even on Sundays?).

ActiveBill is surely quite interesting; it only crashed three times during the 18 minute conversation we had. The first crash came when it realized the office was filled with Linux boxes, the second when I demonstrated a successful teardrop attack against www.fud.microsoft.com, and the final crash occured for no apparent reason. More surprisingly, it always came back after a few seconds; I couldn't believe this was truly a Microsoft "innovation".

Curious about what made ActiveBill tick, I reached into the morass of network cables scattered about (Uh oh, I hope I don't get fired for talking about the huge mess in the office), grabbed one, and plugged the end directly into Bill's left nostril.

The first surprise was that ActiveBill occupied no less than 3 IPs, and I could take down only two of them with simple scripts like teardrop. The other one seemed to be absolutely stable and uncrashable. tcpdump revealed ActiveBill was actually running on Linux, with two instances of VMWare running some version of Windoze, possibly to reduce downtime (when windoze crashes, Linux just spawns another VMWare). Looking back at it, I'm not surprised by this: I always had trouble believing NT could handle that many processors.

Further hacking showed all the important parts of ActiveBill are actually running on Linux -- the Windows instances do little more than access a MySQL database on the Linux box, containing an archive of possible responses, and a direct link to www.fud.microsoft.com and gartnergroup.com.

At this point I discovered something truly unexpected. Not only was ActiveBill running Linux, it was running kernel version 54.2.12, with a timestamp from the 24th Century and a creator of root@tux.redhat.com.na.earth.sol.mway. I checked the other software, and sure enough it was from the future, including:

• Windows 2350, with the DirectH 6.1b Holographic Projection API and 3D Solitaire game

• VMWare 25.0, with support for all Windows versions except Win2350 Third Edition (a huge patch that sabotages VMWare and introduces 6.5 terabytes of holographic Easter Eggs)

• Z Window System version Z15R6.1, featuring 3D and 4D interface support via the KNOME system

From what I could tell, the system had been hacked to be compatible with the 20th Century (it used IPv4 instead of IPv12, for instance, and the interface was in English, not Neo-Esperanto-English-PigLatin 2.0).

Unfortunately, Microsoft noticed my activities and shut off the ActiveBill projection before I could get to the bottom of this mystery.

The only explanation I can think of is that this technology was stolen from the future in the same manner Humorix stole the Neural Implant From the Future(tm) concept from the 24th Century. Microsoft may have acquired the technology through some conduit from the future (Anomolous Sewage Lagoon Number 5?), hacked it up to work with modern computers, and uploaded Bill Gates' brain to it. Certainly, holographic projection to remote locations and advanced AI is far beyond Microsoft's "freedom to innovate".

[Editor's Note: Our lawyer, Noah Morals, is on the case and may sue Microsoft for patent infringement of our recently acquired claim to the process of snatching technology via temporal anomoly.]

A Wild Google Chase: Search@Home

Fake News written by James Baughn on October 16, 1999

Hackers at MIT have launched a distributing computing project called Search@Home to analyze the Google search engine for all queries that return the Microsoft homepage on the first page. The project was prompted by word-of-mouth reports that the search queries "more evil than satan" and "evil monopoly" caused the Microsoft homepage to appear after clicking the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

"Google's search algorithms obviously employ some kind of artificial intelligence. For instance, ZDNet is the number one result for 'worst company'. I mean, Google has some smart software, and we want to know how it works. Besides, it's funny seeing all of the phrases that cause the Microsoft homepage to be returned," a Search@Home programmer explained.

Search@Home clients for Unix systems are already available, with other platforms expected soon. The client combines various words together and then sends a request to Google and analyzes the results. Some of the words that are searched for include: evil, Satan, monopoly, vaporware, bloatware, bad, worst, crap, world domination, assimilation, FUD, and buggy.

After six hours of operation, the project has found that these search terms return Microsoft as the number one listing:

• evil empire
• evil plans for world domination
• more evil than satan
• evil company
• evil monopoly
• worst operating system
• microsoft sucks
• bill gates sucks
• bill gates is evil
• evil world domination conspiracy
• worst browser
• software monopoly
• crappy computer company

In addition, Microsoft is listed on the first page of these queries:

• worst company (ZDNet is listed as number one, much to our delight)
• nothing but evil
• source of evil (eBay is returned as well)
• buggy software

Said one Search@Home hacker, "We hope to utilize millions of CPU cycles to find every single Google easter egg. Who cares about alien signals, prime numbers, or encryption? This is so cool!"

A member of the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) told us that searching for "worst portal" causes the Humorix homepage to appear as number one. We're still trying to puzzle that one out. Our lawyer, Noah Morals, wants to sue Google for reckless defamation of our trademark. (We really need to get a new lawyer.) In addition, "best operating system" and "cool operating system" return a link to Linux.org, as one would expect.

Out of curiosity, the Humorix staff decided to search for "Tuxissa", the name of the fake virus we reported on last March. The results were shocking. Anti-virus software makers Symantec, Datafellows, and Sophos all had pages devoted to dispelling the Tuxissa virus "hoax". We here at Humorix are still laughing about this one.

The Symantec site says, "Please ignore any messages regarding this supposed 'hoax' and do not pass on any messages regarding it. Passing on messages about this hoax serves only to further propagate it."

Sophos goes further and states: "There are many clues to the fact that this message is a hoax - not least the fact that the original date on the 'alert' is 1 April, the reporter calls himself 'Humorix', and the claim that the 'virus' installs Linux 'invisibly in the background'... No such virus currently exists. Although much technical information is presented in the email to give the hoax credibility, the actual details are clearly incorrect."

What part of fake news don't these people understand? Oh well, I suppose any publicity is good publicity.

Humorix stock dropped 24% in heavy trading Friday when investors realized that Humorix is the "worst portal" on the Net. Bill Gates, More Evil Than Satan Himself(tm), was unavailable for comment at press time.

Bill Gates Passes Turing Test

Fake News written by James Baughn on October 15, 1999

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Earlier today Microsoft proclaimed that they have passed the Turing Test by creating a Bill Gates multimedia simulacrum that crack BBC interviewer Jeremy Paxman couldn't distinguish from the real thing. "In hindsight, some of his responses were a bit suspicious," Paxman said about the Gates AI program. "I never would have expected this... After all, this Microsoft program actually worked for an extended period of time, something you don't see very often," he added.

The Bill Gates simulation consisted of a holographic projection controlled via wireless link by a bank of Windows 2000 boxes located at Microsoft's UK headquarters. These computers, code-named "ActiveBill 2000", contain more processing power than all of the computers in South America combined.

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to obtain a portion of the interview transcript that will not be shown on TV.

Paxman: I've heard that Microsoft is pushing to reduce the funding for the US Department of Justice. Is this true?

Gates: Yes, the DOJ is an anachronism that's standing in the way of my world domination plans. I must say, buying a Congressman is the best long-term investment a person can make.

Paxman: What? You admit that you've "bought" a Congressman?

Gates: I cannot answer that question.

Paxman: Why can you justify cutting the budget of one government agency when millions of tax dollars are wasted purchasing Microsoft software when free software would work just as well?

Gates: Bad command or file name.

Paxman: What?

Gates: Oops... I meant to say: millions of tax dollars are NOT wasted. What's good for Microsoft is good for the country.

Paxman: What do you think the outcome of the anti-trust trial will be?

Gates: I'm going to win... An illegal operation has...

[From what we can gather, the Bill simulacrum must have crashed at this point. Bill's projection and audio ceased for 5.2 seconds before the system could be brought back online by shifting to a backup.]

Paxman: WHAT THE HELL? WHERE DID YOU GO?!?!?!

[Gates' hologram reappears]

Gates: Oops... sorry about that. My finger must have slipped and activated my invisibility field array. I can make myself disappear at the touch of a button. It's great being rich and running your own R&D lab.

Paxman: [gasping for air] Whoaaa.... man, that.... was.... whoa. Gimme... a minute... to get back... to my... senses. I've never... seen anything like that... before. I thought you had disappeared into thin air!

Gates: Quite a few Linux zealots would like for me to just go away. My doctors tell me that with modern technology that only I can afford, I should live to at least 130. So there.

[rest of interview not cut by Microsoft censors]

The real Bill Gates hails the ActiveBill simulator as the most innovative technology of the decade. "With this technology, my image and words can be replicated throughout the world. Think of the possibilities. Who says Microsoft isn't innovative? The DOJ, of course, but they won't be a threat after their, ahem, budget cuts," the real Bill Gates said.

Microsoft has plans to mass-produce the ActiveBill 2000 simulator by 2010 or so. "The hardware just isn't there yet for home use," a Microserf explained. "By then, though, Intel's Itanium 6 Super Pro Plus III CPU running at 600 Ghz or whatever should be sufficient." Windows 2010 is expected to include the Bill Gates simulation, making the World's Richest Man(tm) accessible to the entire world.

A newly printed brochure for the faux-Gates advertises, "Need help running Windows 2010? Bill Gates will sit beside you and guide you through the system. Have a question for the world's sexiest and smartest nerd? He'll answer it. Wondering if free and open source software is a plot by Communists freaks to overthrow the free market system? He'll be there to explain. Want to ask for a personal loan? Sorry, won't happen."

Humorix Announces Faux Dot Com Service

Fake News written by James Baughn on October 14, 1999

HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- /HypeNewsWire/ -- In an effort to leverage its burgeoning portal website to gain entry into the so-called "Astroturf Consulting" market, Humorix World Domination, Inc. (NASDAQ: FAUX) announced today a new subsidiary company called Faux Dot Com. The primary service of Faux Dot Com is FauxFoo(tm), in which sponsors can submit articles that will be presented on the Faux portal website as unbiased market research reports from the prestigious Faux consulting labs.

"FauxFoo represents the first competitive challenge to the GartnerGroup in the Astroturf Consulting market. Up until now, Gartner has had a monopoly on regurgitating Microsoft press releases and presenting them as independent, unbiased reports from Gartner's research department," James Baughn, founder of Humorix said.

The power of the patent-pending FauxFoo(tm) system is demonstrated in the following "independent" report published today on the Faux Dot Com portal website:

LINUX BETTER THAN SLICED BREAD

While the Windows family has some potential for growth, we feel that Linux will achieve World Acceptance by 2004.

Core Topic: Hardware & Operating Systems: Client-Operating-System Technologies

Key Issues: How will IBM, Microsoft, Novell, and Apple respond to Linux's vastly superior qualities? How will the technology and markets for client operating systems evolve during the next five years?

The concept of slided bread revolutionized the bakery industry. In many ways, Linux represents a similar revolution of the operating system market.

It is the opinion of Humorix/Faux Dot Com Labs that Linux is simply better. Period. For instance, our research indicates that Linux usage improves health and quality of life for users. Headaches go away. Carpal tunnel injuries heal. Allergic reactions aren't as bad. Eyesight improves.

Our research also indicates that productivity for companies that migrate from Windows to Linux can increase by as much as 5100% over a two month span. Downtime is reduced by 34.5%. Employee sick days decrease by 29%. Karma increases by 44.6%.

Bottom Line: Some wackos might claim that Linux is the "hype du jour", but informed people know better. Windows might continue to appeal to MCSEs and Microsoft stock holders, but Linux, as it matures, will always appeal to a much broader audience simply because it's better.

Faux Dot Com's Unix & Midrange Strategies Research Note T-09-6969, 13 October 1999.

This article is published by Red Hat. Additional editorial material supplied by Faux Dot Com. © 1999. Editorial supplied by Red Hat is independent of Faux analysis and in no way should this information be construed as a Faux endorsement of Red Hat's products and services. Entire contents © 1999 by Faux. All rights reserved. Reproduction of this publication in any form without prior written permission is forbidden unless a sufficiently large amount of money is deposited in our bank account. The information contained herein has been obtained from sources believed to be reliable. Faux disclaims all warranties as to the accuracy, completeness or adequacy of such information. Faux shall have no liability for errors, omissions or inadequacies in the information contained herein or for interpretations thereof. The reader assumes sole responsibility for the selection of these materials to achieve its intended results. The opinions expressed herein are subject to change without notice.

A tentative rate schedule for FauxFoo is as follows:

• Single articles in favor of Linux: $100 per 1,000 words.
• Single articles in favor of other non-Microsoft products: $150 per 1,000 words
• Single articles in favor of Microsoft products: $100,000 per 1,000 words.

October special: Sponsor three single articles, get one free.

Contact Ms. Ava Rice (sales@faux-dot-com.com), Sales Representative, for full details.

This press release brought to you by Say Hi to Hype Media Relations, Inc. -- "We Buzz With Buzzwords®"

Microsoft Spawns "Hacker-Friendly" Company

Fake News written by Thomas Tempé on October 10, 1999

REDMOND, WA -- Yesterday Microsoft officially announced the creation of "Hajkerdomsoft Copyright Co.", an independent start-up firm based in Redmond. The new company will sell ActiveHajks(tm), a Windows-based suite of tools for hackers and nerds, preventing them from migrating to evil, non-commercial offerings like Linux and FreeBSD.

A Hajkerdomsoft spokesman said at a press conference held yesterday, "Hacker tools with indecipherable config files -- Sendmail, Bind, or even Linux, for example -- are quickly becoming de facto standards. Obviously this indicates a strong potential market for a commercial hacker environment, one that should be quite viable and, of course, profitable."

The company has already inked deals with several PC vendors to pre-install free copies of ActiveHajks on their computers. In exchange, the vendors must add a clause to their hardware warranties stating, "The installation of any non-commercial software on your computer immediately voids this warranty."

As can be expected, the news has already ignited a flame war on Slashdot. "Now that MS is spawning a seemingly independent child process, it will be possible for them to achieve world domination fast without the burden of anti-trust legal paperwork!", BOredAtSchool posted.

According to a press release, some of the features of ActiveHajks 1.0 include:

• A vi front-end to MS Word (code-named VILE, Visual Interface command-Line Environment). VILE will include a Dancing Paper Clip depicted by animated ASCII art. Files will be stored by default in a proprietary binary format, but users can choose plain ASCII by entering a sequence of 21 key-combinations.

• A Unix-like hierarchal file layout including C:\dev\, C:\dev\null, C:\home\username\My_Documents\, C:\Windows\System\etc\Registry\, C:\Windows\etc\Start_Menu\, and C:\var\log\crash.log

• A bash-like command shell built upon the BASIC programming language. Shell scripts will be written in a dialect of GW-BASIC, complete with line numbers and GOTOs.

• Stripped down versions of Visual C++ and Visual BASIC marketed as "Consule C++" and "Console BASIC" compilers that are executed from the command line.

• A text-based web browser similar to Lynx but using the Internet Explorer engine, which supports ActiveX, VBScript, and Microsoft HTML extensions.

An early Hajkerdomsoft developer told Humorix, "We tried to port GNU Bash directly, but source stolen from the FSF was not paradigm-compliant with Microsoft Windows, so we had to re-implement a whole Unix sub-layer for hacker-friendly features like pipe-and-drop."

He continued, "The problem is that several implementations already exist, including LEF, Jomm, and a few minor ones. LEF was there first, but it uses some free code, so a team of purists set up the Jomm project with 100%-commercial code. Version 1.1 of both systems are available but not hajker-level compatible. We expect compatibility for version 2.0, plus the resolution of legal issues with a new, closed-source version of the RU lib, which LEF was based on. LEF 2.0 will also include the new commercial-standard DORBA Domination Object Request Broken shell-pipe Arjitecture, which Jomm 1.0 already supports."

The company is spending incredible amounts of money on marketing. A new website is under construction at www.slajgrok.dom/default.asp called SlajGrok, "News for Hajkers". Corporate image building includes Saturday-morning-cartoon-show advertisements for "hajk da planet" and cheap merchandise like "/j.dom" caps, T-shirts, mugs and mousetraps. "We also bought some subliminal advertisement using the 'joodom' keyword, a bit like 'foo' used by the Linux kernel guys," one trainee reported.

As of today, a full-fledged staff of lawyers is working on a commercial version of the GPL public license. "Its name has got such a strong influence on the hacker community," one employee said. "Maybe we can re-use it. Some software packages under 'GPL version 2.0 or later' could be easily stolen by officially writing a 'GPL 2.666 end user license' forbidding their distribution."

Steve Jobs, permanent interrim CEO for Apple, boasted that Bill Gates is copying him yet again. "I already did this! Does anybody remember NeXT, a company devoted to hacker-friendly computers? Now Bill wants to spawn a company devoted to hacker-friendly software. It always works like this. Bill needs someone to show him the way. In that regard, I feel a bit like a big brother, showing Bill the right NeXTStep."

To that, Bill Gates is said to have replied, "Steve is so cute, but I could buy his wife if I wanted to. And I call him every day to remind him how cheap he is compared to me."

The fact that Steve's NeXT company was a commercial failure doesn't seem to worry Bill Gates. He commented, "Commercial Software is really better, because people trust they can have technical support if they need it, even though this may not be true, and above all because it is the only way to make big bucks selling nothing. I think Richard Stallman tried with free software, but the only solution he found was to become some sort of a guru, and yet, I earn more money in an hour than he will during his entire life."

We at Humorix believe that the word of a man who could buy himself a whole government (or two) cannot be ignored.

The Great Windows Treasure Hunt

Fake News reported by Dances With Herring on October 9, 1999

[Editor's Note: This article is written by Dances With Herring, the newest member of Humorix's reporting staff. Dances, a former reporter for the Erie Responsible Journal, will be contributing investigative reports from the field. Dances is a distant relative of Tux Penguin and currently resides in Alaska, although he has plans to move back to his native Antarctica.]

On the weekends, I like to hang out at O'Malley's Guzzle & Belch Tavern, a small adult beverage establishment located in the heart of the Silicon Tundra district. Lots of nerds (both human and penguin) spend quite a bit of time here drinking and, believe it or not, socializing.

Saturday evenings at O'Malley are usually not very exciting. There's the obligatory Microsoft bashing, and once in awhile somebody will ask for Linux help in the hopes of getting free tech support. That's about it. However, things were much more interesting when I was there last week.

One of my drinking buddies, Bob C. Penguin, waddled up to my table and showed me something he had found. Bob was clearly drunk. "It'sh shome kind of... map," he slurred. "It hash an 'X' on it... it'sh a treashure map." The map was written in red ink on the back of a wrinkled place mat. I replied, "Ummm... I don't know, Bob. It's probably just a map to some guy's house."

Bob, ever the optimist, responded, "Ahh have reashon to believe dat dis guy's houshe hash treashure inshide!"

About this time, O'Malley, the bartender, overhearing our conversation, waddles over to have a look-see at the map. "Mmmm... interesting. Where'd you get this?"

Bob hesitated before responding. "Well," he stuttered. "I, um, well, I uh... well, Ahh'll be honesht. Yeshterday Ahhh had a few dreenks at the Happy & Drunk Lounge over on Ash Shtreet. I know, I know, that'sh your biggesht competitor, O'Malley..."

"Now might be a good time to call in your bar tab," O'Malley responded in a rather annoyed tone.

"Anywaysh, dese two guys sittin' neksht to me... dey waz having shome kinda convershasheeun... about a rumor goin' round town. Shomebody around dese parts haz tuned an enterprise... Windoze En-Tee sherver sho well dat it never crasheshes. Dis magic sherver hash been up... continuoushly for shix monthsh!"

"You've gotta be kidding," O'Malley and I said in unison.

"Like Ahh-uh said, it waz jusht a rumor. A leettle bit afterwards, I overheard one of dem sayin'... He said, 'You know, if this uncrashable NT box really exists, I'd really like to get my hands on it and see what kind of modifications have been made. My own NT-based website crashes several times per week.' The shecond guy, he reshponded, 'Well, one of my co-workers heard from a friend of a friend of a co-worker of a friend of a relative of a friend that this magical box is in an office on Jimbo Road.' He den prosheeded to sketch a map on da back of hish place mat."

By this time a crowd of other tavern patrons had gathered around our table. "What happened next?" one human asked.

"Well," Bob explained, somewhat sobered, "Da firsht guy said, 'Hmmm... what are we going to do, break in to this office and steal this mythical computer that seems to be disobeying Murphy's Law?' In reshponse, the shecond guy said, 'Well, we could pull a prank. Instead of calling and asking whether their refrigerator is running, we'll ask if their NT server is running...' Dey broke into laughter, and after a few minutes da convershation drifed tuh other matters. On the way out dey threw da map in the trash... I later shnatched it when nobody was-a looking."

"This could be big," I said, intoxicated by beer and Bob's fantastic story. "If we could figure out how this NT server is configured, we could make a fortune! Everybody foolish enough to be using Windows would clamor for our consulting services! We could write our own book, "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Making Windows NT Stable... For Dummies".

I looked at the map again. "That 'X' is just a few miles from here. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, everybody?"

"Now wait a minute here, folks. Let's look at this rationally," O'Malley said. "What are the odds that somebody has in their possession a Windows NT box that hasn't crashed in six months? Or, for that matter, a full month? I just don't buy this rumor."

Bob chimed in, "Well, we won't know until we go on a treashure hunt... and find dis mythical computer. Anybody wanna come?"

Quite a few people shouted, "Yeah!"

The Great Windows Treasure Hunt of 1999 had begun.

Bob and I made plans, while Tim, Eric, the other Eric, and Tina went to Wal-Mart to buy supplies for our expedition across town. We decided to make our move Sunday night under cover of darkness and while everybody was sober.

We found our destination, and parked our cars in a secluded back alley. Bob, Eric 2, and I were to go the north end of the building, while the other three went south; our goal was to find a way in. We immediately found it: the back door was unlocked.

Sneaking in, we split up and scoured each room for a computer. We didn't find any. In fact, we didn't find anything. It took us a couple of minutes to realize that the building we were in had been abandoned for decades.

A quick glance at the map by flashlight revealed that our destination was on the other side of the street. I had been holding the map upside down all of this time.

A few minutes later we were in place around our target. We discovered that the bars in front of a first-story window were held on with duct tape; we were able to easily gain entrance through this window.

After a few minutes of searching, we found the fabled machine on the second story. There it was: a Windows NT box with the power on. It was showing the Flying Windows screensaver.

"This is it," I squealed in delight.

I moved the mouse and the desktop appeared. There was nothing there except for the My Computer icon and shortcuts for Minesweeper and Solitaire. Further inspection revealed that this machine was not connected to the Internet (no Ethernet or phone line), and indeed, it was not a server at all.

We had come all this way to find somebody's personal Solitaire machine, and nothing more. It might have been online for six months, but who cares?

I absent-mindedly clicked the Minesweeper icon. The blue screen appeared. So much for that six-month uptime!

After a few minutes of discussion, we decided to bail just in case one of us accidentally activated some kind of security alarm. We vacated the building, and returned back to the tavern in an unhappy mood.

"How did it go?" O'Malley asked.

"Not well. The only thing we discovered is that Windows sucks. I, for one, knew that fact all along. Gimme a cold one, O'Malley, I'm going to need it..."

Short History Of The 21st Century Lawyerclysm

Column written by Jon Splatz on October 8, 1999

We pundits like to make predictions about the future. If we're wrong, we quietly hide our old predictions and nobody is the wiser. But if we're right, we jump up and down, point to our prognostications, and yell, "I told you so!" (It works for Jesse Berst.) With that in mind, I would like to make a few predictions about what will happen if the lawyerization of the world continues and the Lawyerclysm becomes imminent.

Before I begin, let me set the scene by posting the latest installment in the Humorix vs. Microsoft patent dispute. All of our readers (both of you) are probably getting sick of this never-ending legal battle. "What the hell does this have to do with Linux?" you ask. I don't have an answer to that. But, if Eric S. Raymond is permitted to veer off-topic and espouse the virtues of Geeks With Guns, then I should be able to rant and rave about Lawyerclysm.

In response to Mr. Noah Morals' latest volley, the Microsoft Legal Department sent this reply:

Dear Mr. Morals, et al,

Thank you for informing us of your modified license. You are, of course, aware of the fact that the old version of your license applies to our previous communications, and therefore your feeble attempts at challenging of the Microsoft Grossly Private License (GPL) is not any more valid than it was before.

Any future communications between us will still fall under the Microsoft GPL because now that we are aware of the license, we will find ways to work around it.

• "You may not read, copy, distribute, disseminate, laugh at, or modify any Humorix content unless you have accepted the terms of this License."

We will be processing all future communications from you with a scanner and OCR software, and then have computers read it out to us. Your license does not forbid listening to what you have to say without agreeing to your terms.

Our patent on "the concept of using one product to force people to use another product" is still valid, because of the word "force" instead of just "suggest". People can answer no to "Do you want fries with that?", but not to "Do you want Internet Explorer with Windows 98?" or "Do you want Windows with your new Gateway PC?"

We have embraced and extended a previously used open concept, and we hold (and will defend) our patents on this extension.

Thank you for your attention.

Signed,

[Long list of Borg-employed lawyers snipped.]

You might need to read that a second (or third) time to wade through all of the dense legalese and LIES (Legal Incoherent Erroneous bullShit, an acronym that has just been trademarked by Humorix).

It's scary, isn't it? An increasing number of people talk and think like that. To them, life is not a stage, but one honkin' big license agreement stacked in favor of the Lawite (lawyer elite, a term I just made up).

Oddly enough, Mr. N. O. Morals didn't return the lengthy reply he usually does. Taking a strategy from the Amazon playbook, he sent this counter-letter:

Dear Microsoft Legal Department,

Our reply to your reply to our reply to your reply to our reply to your first challenge is summarized thusly:

Whatever.

Signed,

Mr. N. O. Morals Head of Humorix's Vast Legal Department

Nevertheless, this latest exchange of lawyerfire further strengthens my fears about the coming Lawyerclysm. I expect that -- if left unchecked -- the world will hit the Lawyerclysm on February 30th, 2031 (that's not a typo).

As promised, here is my brief history of the 21st Century leading up to the Great Collapse:

August 10, 2001: A class-action lawsuit is filed against McDonalds, Burger King, and other fast-food chains claiming that they added ingredients to their burgers to make them "more addictive". "Ronald McDonald is a clever marketing ploy to get children addicted to their unhealthy products at an early age," one lawyer argues in court.

September 25, 2001: Linus Torvalds is found guilty of violating child labor laws by accepting kernel patches from programmers who happen to be minors. Thanks to his billionaire status after the Transmeta bonanza, he is able to easily afford the $10 million fine.

February 29, 2004: An activist group called "People For Calendrical Equality" files a lawsuit against the Federal government demanding that February have at least 30 days like every other month. "Society discriminates against the second month, and that's just wrong," a spokeswoman will say. Before the court can act, Congress passes a bill shifting days from March and August to give February thirty days. Leap Day (February 31st) is designated as Lawyer Appreciation Day.

October 9, 2006: A library sues a Virginia man for $250,000 for failing to return a book for 10 years. The library wins.

October 10, 2006: Another library in Virginia sues a lawyer for $10,000 for failing to return the book, "Ambulance Chasing For Dummies" for 10 years. The library loses.

January 2007: The American Bar Association (ABA) launches a billion-dollar advertising campaign entitled "Lawyers make the world go 'round" to counter growing calls for reform of the judicial system.

July 19, 2007: A court rules that Intel's marketing slogan, "The Itanium III Pro Plus chip makes the MS-Internet go faster" is not false advertising.

Early 2010: A Lawyercratic political movement forms to "protect" the interests of lawyers and to prevent reformation of the American legal system.

January 2013: A study conducted by some sub-sub-sub-agency of the Federal bureaucracy reveals that a "startling" 15% of the US population is without adequate legal insurance coverage. "This is an outrage. Millions of members of the 'working poor' cannot afford the services of an attorney for something as simple as beating a parking fine. This must change," a Lawyercrat in Congress will say in defense of his "Legalcade" program to provide low-cost legal coverage for everyone who qualifies.

November 1, 2015: A Supreme Court ruling paves the way for people to sell their own body parts (i.e. kidneys) for a profit. Within a year, an increasing number of people sell a kidney to raise money to pay for their legal defense. After being forced to pay $12.5 million in damages to a family after running over their dog, one Illinois man sells an arm and and a leg via online auction site MicrosoftBay to make ends meet.

Late 2016: The Universal Bar Association (formerly the ABA) awards the case of Smith vs. Smith as the "Lawsuit Of The Year"(tm). In this California case, a woman sues her unborn baby boy for "increasing her weight to levels above her prescribed ideal body weight", causing her "undue mental anguish and grief". She wins. Once the baby reaches the age of majority (14), he will be forced to pay his mother (or her estate) $1.9 million in damages. The court establishes a precedent that a defendant unable to appear in court can still be successfully sued.

April 2020: A Michigan court rules that companies can place a hidden camera in their products to spy on consumers and collect marketing information as long as a notice is placed on the product in letters at least one micron in size. Within one year Ford and GM have collected more intelligence information than the CIA during its entire history.

Mid 2022: Growing dissent in the American public about the lawyerization of the country results in the formation of the Anti-Attorney Party. However, the Party's power quickly wanes when its leader, founder, and primary beneficiary "disappears" under mysterious circumstances. Eventually, Congress declares that all Anti-Attorney members are engaging in "un-American" activities and should be imprisoned. All dissent is immediately halted.

April 9, 2022: A study conducted by Harvard Law School reveals that the average American files 14.2 lawsuits, is a defendant in 16.9 cases, and is indirectly involved in 213.0 other suits during their lifespan. Ninety-five percent of the population will spend more time in a courtroom than in a bathroom during their lives.

May 2025: Income taxes for attorneys and judges are abolished by a Congress and Presidency composed solely of Lawyercrats. Everybody and their brother drops what they are doing and tries to enroll in law school.

Late 2028: By this point, legal expenditures account for 54% of the GDP of the US, up from 23% in the previous decade. The growth of the legal industry continues at an accelerating exponential rate, until...

Early 2031: ...it hits 99% and the economy collapses. Nobody wants to work in any occupation except the legal field. Indeed, with the high cost of legal insurance and the virtual guarantee of being sued at least once a month, nobody can afford to be anything but a lawyer, judge, or politician. Farmers quit. Power plants shut down. Commerce shuts down. Within a matter of hours, the entire economic, social, and political fabric of the US rips apart.

The Layerclysm strikes.

Before long, the entire world is in a state of calamity as the Lawyerclysm rapidly spreads. The only human civilization not affected is the small Lunar colony composed of geeks, nerds, and pundits; the founders were wise to ban any lawyers or politicians from immigrating.

As the old adage goes, the Geeks shall inherit the Earth. [I apologize in advance for Splatz's really awful pun. -- The Editor]

Write me at jonsplatz [at] i-want-a-website [dot] com.

Interview: Tux Penguin

Fake News written by James Baughn on October 5, 1999

Tux Penguin is a very elusive creature to contact. When he's not attending Linux conventions or visiting relatives in zoos, he's taking a vacation in sunny Antarctica. Nevertheless, thanks to the diligent efforts of Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm) and (of course) a truckload of fresh herring, we were able to convince Tux to spend a few hours chatting with us at Humorix's new European Headquarters in Helsinki.

Humorix: So, Tux, how have things been going?

Tux: [munching on fish] Yum, herring. I can't eat just one... Things have been going very well for me. I've just been informed that the .GIF image of me is present on more webpages worldwide than the "Best Experienced With IE" and "This Page Under Construction" icons combined. The penguinization of the Net continues at a healthy pace, I must say.

Humorix: Cool. Does this mean Linux is starting to achieve World Domination?

Tux: Huh? It already has! The WORLD Organization (WORLD Organizes Rapid Linux Domination) has already infiltrated 95% of the world's govern... oh, wait. You know, I probably shouldn't talk about that. Go ask Jon Splatz about it, he's a member.

Don't publish that last paragraph. My official answer to your question is: Yes, it is.

Humorix: Um, yeah. What I'd really like to discuss is Microsoft's latest FUD barrage entitled "Linux Myths". What is your response to this?

Tux: You act as if you're taking that article seriously! I got quite a belly-laugh when reading it. Come to think of it, in some ways, it was funnier than anything Humorix has ever published.

Humorix: What?!?! I'm offended. No more herring for you!

Tux: Sorry. Just gimme my herring and I'll be good.

Humorix: Well, there's still some things worth debunking. The article states, "Linux fundamentally relies on 30-year-old operating system technology and architecture." What's your take?

Tux: So? Windows is based on technology that's a century old... electricity, for example. I don't see anybody running Windows on their abacus or pedal-powered adding machine. (I hear there's a Linux port for slide-rules on the way, though.)

Come to think of it... Windows is even more ancient than that. The Windows Calculator fundamentally relies on mathematical principles devised millenia ago. If Windows really contained "New Technology", it should feature it's own number system and laws of mathematics. Nobody in their right mind should trust their mission-critical systems to a system that uses archaic technology like Arabic numerals.

Humorix: What about the proposition that "Free Operating System Does Not Mean Low Total Cost of Ownership"?

Tux: Let me tell you a little story. My brother, Necktie Penguin, wanted to buy a cheap PC so he could sell his "101 Herring Recipes" book on eBay. I was able to buy an old 486 at government auction, slap Penguinix (my own distro optimized for penguins who have difficulty using a keyboard) on it, configure Netscape and PPP, and turn it over to my brother, who's had only minor problems with it (he keeps wanting to reboot it, which sends fsck into a fit).

The total cost? $75 for the computer, $0 for Linux, and a few hours of my time.

If Necktie had insisted on a PC running Windows 98, I would have had to buy an expensive Pentium-grade box, which would come with a bunch of unnecessary crapware (Microsoft Office For Flightless Birds 98(tm), for instance)

The total cost? $1,000 for the computer, $100 for Windows, and several weeks of my time futzing with the system so it doesn't crash every time Netscape loads.

Penguins will fly before a $1,100 "Total Cost of Ownership" is better than $75.

Humorix: Well, that's enough fudraking for now. What kind of projects are you working on now?

Tux: Well, I've just been hired by Transmeta. I haven't been told much about my new job, other than the fact that my climate-controlled office has a built-in snowmaker. Oh, and I get a "herring account". My new email is tux@transmeta.com; however, it's not operational yet, if you send a message you'll get a response saying "This email account is not here yet."

Humorix: Anything else?

Tux: [munching on a piece of raw fish again] I've filed the paperwork to have my own Nasdaq IPO under the name Penguin PORTAL Power, Inc. I maintain a Linux portal for penguins, along with the Penguinix distro I mentioned, so I should do quite well. If Red Hat can be worth billions, so can I. I am the official mascot of Linux, dammit!

Humorix: Well, now that you mention that, how did you become the official mascot?

Tux: Well, as we all known, Larry Ewing originally wanted to the mascot to be a fire-breathing dragon, representing the flame wars that Linux zealots ignite on Usenet. As this was too similar to Mozilla, he eventually decided on a penguin. As flightless birds, we penguins (unlike airplanes and Windows 98) never have the opportunity to crash.

I heard through the grapevine that Larry was searching for a penguin model, so I faxed him my picture, and the rest is history.

Humorix: One last question... what do you think are the toughest challenges facing the Linux community?

Tux: I'm not worried about Y2K, but I am concerned about the S2K problem... you know, the Slashdot Effect with 2000 hits per second. Just look what happened in the US Congress... some aide sends a spam message, and now a bunch of Congressmen want to ban spam. What will happen if the S2K disaster strikes Congress after Taco Boy posts an article about the latest anti-geek bill to pass? I know: they'll want to ban Linux portal websites!

Humorix: Any other obstacles?

Tux: I worry about all of the wasted time porting programs to different languages. For instance, a group of hackers announced recently that they were going to port Perl to C++. This was quickly followed by an announcement that C++ would be ported to Perl. (I've heard that Larry Wall wants to port Perl to Perl.)

It gets worse. A group of backwards, rogue hackers want to port Microsoft QuickBASIC to Linux so they can rewrite the Linux kernel in BASIC! And then there's a crazy project to rewrite Emacs as a monster bash shell script, using only standard Unix command line utilities.

All of this is bad. Instead of hacking on useful projects (like games) the Linux community is stuck rewriting software to satisfy language holy wars.

Humorix: Well, that pretty much wraps things up. Any parting words?

Tux: Linux rules!

Microsoft Unveils New Measurement System

Fake News written by James Baughn on October 3, 1999

REDMOND, WA -- In response to the brouhah surrounding the Mars probe that crashed due to a Metric conversion error, Microsoft announced today that it plans to unify the world's measurement systems into one: RedmondX. "We've been very successful in monopolizing the operating system market worldwide," a Microserf spokesman proclaimed. "We can leverage that ability to monopolize the measurement system market worldwide, thus putting an end to the Metric Menace."

At this stage, only an alpha specification has been drafted and circulated to a closed team of alpha-testers. However, thanks to the diligence of our Vast Spy Network(tm), Humorix has been able to obtain a copy of the specification, which we have reproduced below in condensed form.

Microsoft RedmondX(tm) Measurement System
Alpha 0.1, October 1999 A.D.

Introduction

The RedmondX Measurement System ("RedX") employs state-of-the-art measurement technology, creating a measuring system far superior to Metric or Imperial... [rest of promo garbage snipped]

The Billpoint

The RedX system establishes the center of the Universe at the northwest corner of Bill Gates' office, an exact location hereafter known as the "Billpoint". In RedX, all motion is assumed to be relative to the Billpoint, so that the Sun, solar system, Galaxy, and Universe all revolve around Bill Gates' office.

Calendar

RedX incorporates a simplified calendar in which one year is equal to exactly 360 days. The year is divided up into 12 months, each of 30 days.

(Note: As of this writing, Bill Gates is in communication with the Saucer People about the possibility of using their advanced technology to alter the Sun's orbit around the Earth, thus shortening one year to exactly 360 days. This should be completed by 46 A.B. [see below]. For obvious reasons, this paragraph will be omitted from the final public release of this document. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, allow this document to fall into the hands of anyone outside of the alpha-testing group, particularly any rabid Linux longhairs.)

Instead of 52 weeks, the RedX calendar has 51 weeks, each of 7 days. This leaves three days at the end of the year not attached to any week; these days are hereby a part of the Feast of Microsoft. Day 1 is "Microsoft Appreciation Day". Day 2 is "Innovation Day", a holiday similar to Christmas in which people are expected to give Microsoft products as gifts. Day 3 is New Year's Eve. New Year's Day (corresponding to October 28 in the legacy Gregorian Calendar) is Bill Gates' birthday.

(Note: Since Sun Microsystems is a competitor to Microsoft, the weekday "Sunday" is known as "Solday" in the RedX calendar.)

Dates are divided into three eras: Before Bill (B.B.), During Bill (D.B.) and After Bill (A.B.). The date January 1st, 1 D.B. is fixed as Bill Gates' birthday (October 28, 1955 in Gregorian). January 1st, 1 A.B. will be defined as the first New Year's Day following Bill Gates' untimely demise (unless a body transplant or cryogenic suspension is possible, in which case A.B. dates will be unnecessary).

Time

In the interests of backwards compatibility with legacy measurement systems, the unit of time in the RedX system -- "billoids" -- is exactly equal to one second. Officially, one billoid is equal to the amount of time it takes a certain computer to fully boot Windows 98, divided by 256. This computer will be kept in a climate controlled environment at the Microsoft Campus as the benchmark for the unit of time.

One day is composed of 24 "billhours", which are composed of 60 "billutes" and 3,600 billoids... Time zones are defined relative to the Billpoint (Redmond Mean Time). Daylight Saving Time is hereby abolished (Bill Gates doesn't like spending 6 billhours per day trying to change all of the clocks in his mansion).

Distance

One "biller" is equal to the exact height of Bill Gates as measured at a certain date. A statue of Bill will be kept in a climate controlled environment as the official benchmark for the length of one biller.

One "kegabill" is equal to 1024 billers (therefore, one kegabill is approximately 1.164 legacy statute miles). One biller is divided up into 64 "smallbills" and 1024 "tinybills".

Weight/Force

The "ballmer", a unit of weight, is equal to the gravitational attraction between the Earth and a stack of 95 Windows 95 CD-ROMs, as measured at the Billpoint. The CDs will be kept in a climate controlled glass box as the official benchmark.

Storage Capacity

Computer memory is still based on bytes and bits; however, larger units are now defined as:

• Kilobyte: 2¹² (4,096) bytes
• Megabyte: 2²⁴ (16,777,216) bytes
• Gigabyte: 2³⁶ (6.87E10) bytes
• Terabyte: 2⁴⁸ (2.81E14) bytes

Altering these "standards" will trick consumers into thinking that the size of Windows and other Microsoft products has decreased. For instance, a RedX megabyte is 16 times larger than a legacy megabyte. Therefore, we can advertise that Windows only takes up 32 MB of space even though it's 512 MB in size under the old system!

Money

In addition to dollars and cents, a new unit, the "billdozen", is hereby defined as equal to $12,000,000,000 (12 billion). This new unit makes it possible to express the value of Bill Gates' MSFT stock in one byte, rounded up (as of this writing, Bill is worth about 6 billdozens).

[Editor's Note: Other less important unit definitions snipped for brevity]

Implementation

The strategic plan to establish RedX as the dominant measuring system involves these steps (among others):

1. Release RedX-compliance patches for every Microsoft product ever produced. These will be hyped as "Y2K compliance" patches, since, of course, RedX doesn't suffer from the Y2K problem. All new Microsoft software products will come bundled with Measurement Explorer(tm), an application that will convert legacy measurements into RedX (but not vice versa). Legacy measurements will be phased out of upgraded versions, until about 2004 (49 D.B.) in which users will be forced to use RedX measurements in Microsoft software.

2. Publish a line of school and college textbooks that will be given away at no charge. As can be expected, these books will make absolutely no mention of Metric or Imperial units, but will focus on RedX measurements.

   For instance, a math textbook might ask, "Train A leaves Boston at an average speed of 59 kegabills per billhour (K.P.B.) while Train B leaves a station 1,532 kegabills away at a speed of 62 K.P.B. How many billers away from Boston will they meet and at what time (in billoids)? If the value of Bill Gates' stock increases by .00016 billdozens per billhour, how much money will he make during the time it takes the two trains to meet?"

3. Launch an Astroturf Campaign showing "grass-roots" support for the RedX system. Microserfs will go door-to-door handing out pamphlets saying, "Metric is an evil French conspiracy. Imperial is an evil British conspiracy. It's time Americans used an American system developed by Americans for Americans -- It's time for RedX!"

4. Rig upcoming elections so that pro-RedX candidates are elected. By 2008 (53 D.B.) or so, Congress should come close to a RedX majority. Laws to phase in RedX will be quietly enacted as riders to other bills, so that the American public won't be the wiser.

5. Two words: Subliminal messages

6. Acquire a major TV network and run advertisements for RedX during every commercial break. Air special shows describing how to use RedX and why it's superior to legacy systems (i.e. "When Archaic Measurement Systems Go Bad" and "World's Stupidest Conversion Errors").

Legal Notices

This document is Copyright 1999 (43-44 D.B.), Microsoft Corp. All rights reserved. Patents pending. RedX and RedmondX are trademarks of Microsoft.