Evolution Of A Linux User

Feature written by James Baughn on November 28, 1999

During the past year, the scientists in Humorix's Vast Research Lab Of Doom have studied the behavior and attitude of the typical Windows and Linux user. They have found that the average Linux user goes through ten stages of development from a "Microserf" to an "Enlightened Linux User". An eleventh stage, "Getting A Life", has also been observed, but only on extremely rare occasions.

The 11 stages of evolution are summarized below. Note, however, that this life cycle is not universal. Many pundits, Microsoft stock holders, and PHBs never advance beyond Stage 0 ("Microserf"). Moreover, many extreme Slashdot addicts are stuck between Stages 6 and 7 ("Linux Zealot") and never evolve to Stage 9 ("Enlightened Linux User"). And, unfortunately, far too many people are unable to leave Stage 8 ("Back to Reality") and achieve Geek Self-Actualization due to problems outside of their control.

Stage 0. Microserf

You are the number one member of the Bill Gates fan club. Your life revolves around x86 computers running the latest version of Microsoft solutions: Windows, Office, Internet Explorer, Visual Basic, and even Bob. You have nothing but hate for those eccentric Mac weenies with their click-n-drool interfaces and those stone-age Unix oldtimers with their archaic command lines.

You frequently send angry letters to your elected representative about Microsoft's "freedom to innovative". You think lawyers are evil (unless they are defending innovative companies like Microsoft). You own an autographed copy of a book that was ghostwritten by Bill Gates. Your blood boils when somebody forwards you a so-called Microsoft "joke" by email.

In short, you are a Microserf.

Stage 1. Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt... About Microsoft

Your world-view begins to sour as you encounter a growing number of annoyances with Microsoft products. The number of Blue Screens increases, however you ascribe the problem (at first) to conflicts with poorly written drivers that came with your peripherals. Icons keep jumping around the desktop unpredicatably. You spend 30 minutes one day idly searching for an obscure configuration option in the Control Panel.

Slowly but surely, you begin to have doubts about the quality of Microsoft software. Then, the Microsoft Network, to which you have dutifully subscribed since 1995, begins to double bill your credit card. You attempt to rectify the problem, but are stymied by the burgeoning bureaucracy of Microsoft's Customer Support Department. Fear sets in... will you get your money back?

Meanwhile, something called "Linux" appears on the fringe of your radar. You immediately dismiss the idea of a viable and quality Microsoft alternative (Linux is Unix-based and therefore must suck, you conclude). Nevertheless, you wish something could be done for some of the annoyances in Windows. But you do nothing about it.

Stage 2. Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt... About Linux

You keep hearing about this Linux thing, and Open Source, and Apache, and FreeBSD as well. One of your friends installs Linux and says, "It's cool, dude!" You discover that the selection of Windows books at your local bookstore has remained constant while the Linux and Unix books are multiplying like rabbits. You argue, "Well, this just means Linux sucks... if there was such a large demand for it, there wouldn't be many books on shelves."

Nevertheless, as time wears on and Windows becomes more fragile, the temptation to give Linux a try becomes more and more irresistable. While at your local SuperMegaOfficeSupplyStore, you pick up a boxed version of Red Hat on impulse.

With much hubris, you completely ignore the documentation and attempt to install the OS by the seat of your pants. The installation is a failure; Linux simply cannot work with the WinModem, WinSoundCard, WinIDEController, WinPrinter, WinMonitor, and WinDRAM that came with your "Windows 98 Ready" machine from CompUSSR. You don't realize this however, since you didn't read the FAQs and HOWTOs. You immediately blame the problems on Linux and give up. You ditch your Red Hat copy by selling it on eBay.

After the installation fiasco, you leave fearful, uncertain, and doubtful about this "alternative" operating system. Windows may have its problems, but Microsoft will fix them in the next upgrade, you reckon.

Stage 3. Born-Again Microserf

"Linux sucks" is your new attitude towards life. Windows, all things considered, ain't so bad. You resolve to become a better Microsoft customer by participating in the Microsoft Developer Network and the Site Builder Network. You buy a bunch of "study guides" to pass the MCSE examination.

You launch a Windows advocacy site on some dinky free webpage provider, utilizing the latest innovations in VBScript, ActiveX, and other IE-specific features. Instead of lurking, you now actively participate in Linux and Macintosh bashing on various Usenet groups. Upon discovering Slashdot for the first time, you assume the role of the Bastard Anonymous Coward From Hell by posting countless flamebait posts about how cool Microsoft is and how much "Linsux" (as you call it) is a crappy OS.

You proudly wear an "All Hail Chairman Bill" T-shirt and display numerous pro-Microsoft bumper stickers ("Honk if you hate anti-trust laws") on your car. You never leave home without your Windows CE-based palmtop computer. You make a pilgrimage to Redmond to marvel at the glory that is the Microsoft Campus.

Stage 4. Disgruntled User

Your Microserf ways come to an abrupt end when everything goes wrong. You lose a vital work-related document to a Windows crash. You lose your job as an indirect result. You find that applying for jobs is difficult... everyone wants your resume in the latest version of Word, but you have an older version that has an incompatible file format.

You waste more and more time tinkering with Windows and other Microsoft programs to keep them in working order. You encounter serious problems with Windows, but your calls to technical support only yield the dreaded response, "re-install the OS".

After much grief you finally land another job at a software company, only to find out a month later that Microsoft has announced a competing product to be "integrated" with the next version of Windows. You soon lose your job.

You can't take it much longer. You are now an official Disgruntled User, and are ready for a way to escape from the depths of Microsoft Hell. You are ready for anything at all... even a primitive, archaic, hard-to-install, grief-laden alternative like Linux.

Stage 5. A Religious Experience

You resolve to install Linux now, for real. Your friends say "It's about time", and tell you to RTFM this time. After losing yourself in the documentation for several days, you figure out why your previous encounter with Linux was a disaster: you need real hardware, not WinCrap.

With a new computer at your desk, and a Red Hat CD-ROM in hand, you embark on a voyage of discovery to the land of Linux. Your life is changed forever; words cannot describe the rush you feel when you first log in as "root" after the successful installation. You stare blankly at the screen in awe; you are unable to utter a word, unable to think of anything else except "HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO DAMN COOL!!!!"

You spend hours, and then days, exploring the depths of the Linux system: a filesystem layout that actually makes sense (no "My Documents" crap), a command line so powerful it makes MS-DOS look like the Stone Age technology that it is... and best of all, no Blue Screen!

"Why have I wasted my life with Microsoft? I'm never going back!" you exclaim wildly. You have thrown off the yoke of Redmond Oppression.

Stage 6. Linux Convert

You still keep a copy of Windows around, but you find yourself booting into Linux more and more. The meager amount of diskspace you set aside for your first Linux install dwindles; you decide to buy a second hard drive exclusively for Linux.

You re-install everything, including the kitchen sink (Emacs). Once you finally get PPP working (it was a nasty challenge, but you're so enamored with Linux that you hardly notice), you go on a Freshmeat Binge: downloading and installing every piece of Free Software you come across.

Stage 7. Linux Zealot

Your enthusiasm for Linux is unbounded. You do anything and everything to advocate Linux and spite your old master, Microsoft. Usenet, Slashdot, and LinuxToday are your hangouts. You have a strong opinion about the GNU GPL and you're not afraid to share it.

Linux World Domination is your new life's ambition; you put career, wealth, and dating on the back burner. You participate in flamefests against those braindead Windows lusers (stuck in Stage 3) that inhabit Usenet and ZDNet. You purchase all kinds of tacky made-in-Taiwan Linux merchandise (T-shirt, mouse pads, stuffed penguins, etc.) to show your support.

You rearrange books in a bookstore so that the Linux tomes are displayed more prominently. You get in trouble with your boss because you spend all your time surfing Slashdot at work. You petition your local government to migrate their computer systems to free software. You move to another residence just so you can say you live on Apache Street.

Instead of a novel, you read the Linux kernel source for pleasure. You establish your own regional Linux User Group in the hope that you can invite a guest speaker in the future and get their autograph. You learn Perl with the goal of automating common tasks, but you spend more time tinkering with "just one more perl script" than actually getting stuff done.

Stage 8. Back To Reality

Your zealotry subsides as you are forced to re-enter the Real World. Your boss demands that you submit documents in the latest Word format, nothing else will do. Some of your favorite websites become harder to use because they keep incorporating features enhanced for Windows and IE. The new peripherals you bought from BigEvilProprietaryCo don't work with Linux and probably never will.

Your ISP is acquired by another company, a very Microsoft-friendly company, to be exact. They "upgrade" the system; however, the only change you can notice is that Linux and PPP no longer work without extensive hacking. Then, citing "customer-driven demand", your ISP makes more "enhancements", and Linux no longer works at all. Calling their tech support is an exercise in futility, they simply say, "Linux? What is that? Whatever it is we don't support it, and never will. Go use Windows like everybody else."

Reality sets in: you are forced to use Windows more and more. Your blood pressure rises, you have more headaches, you waste hours and hours due to Windows "issues", but you have no choice.

Stage 9. Enlightened Linux User

Then you have an inspiration: you do have a choice, you can hack your own drivers for your hardware, you can find another ISP, you can get another job. Everything comes into focus, you have become a Linux Guru.

You kludge together drivers for your "Windows-compatible" hardware. You finally (after much searching) locate a local ISP that's actually run by competent geeks, not MCSEs and PHBs. You find a new, better job at a Linux-friendly company.

In your spare time, you work on various Open Source projects. You build up a reputation and receive "The Letter" to participate in the IPO of a Linux business. You join the bandwagon and create your own Linux portal website.

You're at the pinnacle of evolution for a Linux user. With much joy, you become 100% Microsoft free. You ditch your Windows partition and burn all of the Windows disks and manuals that you own.

Stage 10. Get A Life

You become bored with Linux, and computers in general. You're still a hardcore geek, of course, but you wonder if there isn't something better you could be doing. You've been told to "get a life" countless times during your existence on Earth, but now you wonder if maybe you should have heeded that advice.

Unexpectedly, a media conglomerate (i.e. Andover, Ziff-Davis, Internet.com, etc.) offers to buy your Linux portal website and domain name for an obscene price that contains a significant number of digits. Without hesistation you accept; this windfall, combined with your earnings from Linux stocks, is enough to retire on.

And that's exactly what you do. You move off to a small tropical island, and get a life.

Microsoft's Do-It-Yourself Power Plant

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on November 24, 1999

REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft lawyers have filed a patent application with the USPTO for the concept of generating power from the nuclear reactions that accompany segmentation faults. The company plans to incorporate the "innovative" new technology as an optional feature of Windows 2000.

As mentioned recently on Humorix, when Linux electrons and Windows electrons come in contact on a hard disk platter, they undergo a reaction that can ultimately cause the formation of a black hole. As a byproduct, an unbelievable amount of electricity is generated.

Dr. B. E. Ginner, Microsoft's chief developer, was skeptical of the idea when he first read about it "on some crappy Linux portal website" (his words). He explained, "It seemed like utter nonsense, the kind of pseudo-scientific techno-babble used on sci-fi shows to explain holes in the plot. I mean, if Windows exploded everytime it came in contact with a competing operating system (and yes, Judge Jackson: We do have competition! We are not a monopoly!), we'd all be toast by now."

After conducting an experiment, Ginner's doubts were quickly erased. He installed Rat Head Linux, Microsoft's secret internal testing distro, on a small 1.2 GB partition, along with a minimal install of Windows 2000 (build 23Nov1999) occupying 12.3 TB. Upon booting Linux he started to the see the truth behind the theory. Clearly, some sort of matter/anti-matter reaction was taking place because the computer seemed so much more powerful.

For a final proof, he copied this C code snippet from the source code of Windows 2000's equivalent of cron:

{
   int *null_pointer;
   int crash_now = *null_pointer;
}   

This code induced a segmentation fault, causing the nuclear reaction to occur. Dr. Ginner was astounded. "With this technology, Microsoft will be able to corner the utilities market," he announced to a room full of Microsoft executives and patent attorneys.

In addition to filing numerous patent claims, the company has already trademarked the techology as "ActivePower(tm)". Dr. Ginner explained how the technology will work: "Windows 2000 will include a minimal Rat Head distro which will be completely hidden from the user, because a piece of cryptic crap like Linux has no place in a user-friendly operating system. When the user wants to generate ActivePower(tm), Win2K will fire up an emulated Linux environment and execute a program to cause a segmentation fault on demand. The resulting nuclear reaction should produce enough power to run the machine for several hours."

He added, "We still have a few known issues to work out. If Win2K bluescreens while the segfault is in progress, a black hole can form, which is, ahem, not good. Oh, and 15% of the time the motherboard is fried due to the generated power spike. These problems should be fixed by the release of Windows 2000 (early 2002 the last I heard); if not, then we'll just produce a draconian license agreement that disclaims all liability."

UPDATE

Just as this story went to press, we received word from our Vast Spy Network(tm) that a Linux shell is available in the current build of Windows 2000. To access it, type "Bill rules the world" in Notepad, and then double-click on the second l in Bill 3 times in a row. Login as "bill" with the password "DOJsucks".

Linux And China, A Clarification

Fake News written by Raymond S. Eric on November 20, 1999

Alert reader Martijn Faassen forwarded us this RSE rant that appeared today on several Linux portals:

In a November 11th Linux Today story, I expressed the Linux community's vast relief upon finding that the allegations that Linux will be adopted by Communist China as its official OS appear to be untrue. This story was then deliberately misreported on "Humorix", the terroristic propaganda site for the new Humorixia nation. Humorix in short stated that I thought china was a bad idea and that we should all break it. This caused unwarranted and unnecessary commotion within the china (porcelain) community.

Some explanatory remarks are in order. While it is well known within both the Linux community and the china community that I am a gun nut, few in both communities are aware that I am also member of the other community. In fact, few in these communities are aware of even the existence of the other community; I appear to be the only person that is a member of both communities. Incidentally I happen to be a spokesman for both communities.

In the past, I have avoided presuming to speak for both communities at the same time. This time, however, I think I may safely say that china and Linux are a golden match. Insofar as the communities interact at all, members of the open-source movement are known to have used china cups for their beverage needs on occassion. It is untrue that all hackers drink jolt all the time; some are known to drink tea or coffee, in cups. Members of the china community may not use open-source software directly, but they should know that the Internet infrastructure uses vast quantities of open-source software. In particular the website www.openporcelain.org, which is run by myself, is powered by a Linux/Apache combination.

This golden bond between the two communities is very valuable. The attempt by the government of Humorixia to estrange the two communities from each other is nothing but a vicious and cynical fraud.

There are a few of us who have a soft spot for the theoretical Splatzian ideal of "from each as much proprietary software packaging materials as possible, to each the generated electricity"; but I am certain that even that minority would not care to be associated with the totalitarian and murderous government of Splatzian Humorixia -- unrepentant perpetrators of numerous atrocities against lawyers. After all, my wife, one of the great unsung heroes of both communities, is a lawyer.

It may be too much to hope that this statement will head off a flurry of snide opinion pieces divagating about "the china-breaking Raymond Eric"; the clumsy rhetoric of some of our past jolt-from-the-bottle-drinking ambassadors may have made that outcome inevitable. But the prospect of being "identified" with the bloody-handed gerontocrats behind the Great American Lawyer Massacre would be, I believe, genuinely revolting and insulting to all of us.

No matter that such official Humorixian government sponsorship might add a quarter of the planet's geek population to our user base; if this is "world domination", we'll want none of it. I have guns, Splatzies, so don't even think of trying to come near my wife. To hell with splatznost; this is a war to death between opposing ideologies -- nuke the Splatzie bastards!

-- Raymond S. Eric

Ask Humorix: Segmentation Faults?

Feature written by James Baughn on November 17, 1999

Anonymous Windows Refugee writes:

I have Windows and Linux both installed on my hard drive. Earlier today, when trying to run a C program I had just written, I got this error:

Segmentation fault (core dumped)

What does this mean? Am I doing something wrong?

The Humorix Oracle responds:

What you describe is a very dangerous situation. A segmentation fault ("segfault") is a grave error that should not be taken lightly. Stop what you are doing and read this carefully:

Think of Linux as "matter" and Windows as "anti-matter". On a dual-boot system such as yours, these two substances reside next to each other on your hard drive. A partition (think of a "lead wall") separates the two, but this division can be easily breached when heavy wear and tear is placed on the hard drive (i.e. anytime when using Windows).

When matter and anti-matter meet, they undergo mutual annihilation. Likewise, when Linux and Windows meet, they undergo a highly unstable nuclear reaction. The Linux partition, composed of "electrons", and the Windows partition, composed of so-called "anti-electrons", will combine to form a faultline along a segment of the breached partition wall -- in other words, they form a segmentation fault.

This segfault is highly unstable, and dangerous. Most times, the computer's BIOS will automatically execute a "core dump", in which the segfault is ejected from the hard drive and sent out through the back of the box. In these cases you will see the Segmentation fault (core dumped) message, indicating that the system has automatically dumped the dangerous segfault and "healed" itself.

However, if the computer is unable to contain the segfault, then the Linux kernel will display a Bus Error message. This is a potentially deadly situation; you must take action immediately by killing the power to the machine and ducking for cover. Don't mess with shutdown -h now or rm -rf /*, you must immediately turn off the machine.

If you fail to react in sufficient time, the segfault will continue to expand until it reaches a "critical mass" and forms a black hole (or, in the vernacular, a Big Uncontrolled Singularity, or Bus for short). This black hole will swallow everything in its immediate surroundings before destroying itself in a brilliant display of pyrotechnics.

For some unexplained reason, Bus errors occur most commonly when using Netscape. Segfaults are commonly associated with homebrew programs that have not been fully debugged, but this error can occur at any time you have Windows installed on your hard drive. I recommend you ditch Windows completely to prevent the formation of any unwanted space-time anomalies, which can be quite annoying.

You owe the Oracle a copy of IDG's "Quantum Mechanics For Dummies" book.

Transmeta's Secret Revealed!

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 14, 1999

The world anxiously awaits Linus Torvalds' keynote address at Comdex on Monday, when he is rumored to finally reveal what Transmeta is doing. The world can wait all it wants, but we here at Humorix know exactly what Transmeta is doing, thanks to an extensive six-month investigation of the company conducted by our Vast Spy Network(tm).

Transmeta, we discovered, is a hoax. It's an elaborate joke being played on the computer industry, and, ultimately, Wall Street. At Transmeta, every day is April Fool's Day.

The company has no product. They leak rumors about some kind of next-generation processor, but that's all smoke-and-mirrors. They have nothing except a website that's not here yet, a pile of venture capital, and, of course, Linus Torvalds.

Paul Allen founded the company years ago as an emergency financial cushion to fall back on just in case Microsoft crashes. Not only that, but he founded Transmeta as an elaborate joke to be played out on fellow investors, and to a certain extent, his old pal Bill Gates.

The name Transmeta means absolutely nothing. "Oh, we just tossed together some cool-sounding Latin roots," Paul Allen once said at a closed-door conference with VCs. "It's funny to watch all of the rumor mongers over at Slashdot and Usenet try to derive meaning from it."

Linus Torvalds was hired a few years ago to lend credibility (and free buzz and publicity) to the company. "Basically, we told Linus that we would pay him megabucks to sit around all day and hack on the Linux kernel. He had no job responsibilities at all, except to drop hints about the company but otherwise say nothing," the former Transmeta janitor told us. "In essence, Linux kernel development was funded by hoodwinked VCs."

Other employees are treated similarly. Most pass the time playing Quake or hacking on various Open Source project. Once in awhile they might brainstorm a ridiculous patent application, or release a 'rumor' to the media. The Transmeta webmaster (recently hired by Microsoft) had the most demanding job at the company, which isn't saying a whole lot.

On Monday, Linus will finally spill the beans about the company. "It's all been a wild hoax," he'll say before laughing for five minutes straight. Nevertheless, the company does plan to hold an IPO within the next year. "If a 'company' like LinuxOne can have an IPO, then Transmeta -- which actually has enormous brand recognition -- should be quite successful," Linus is expected to say.

Transmeta plans to make an actual product announcement in January. "We don't have anything right now," an anonymous employee told us. "But we'll think of something. We might team up with O'Reilly to produce a book like, 'The Official Transmeta Guide To Fooling Wall Street'."

There you have it. Transmeta has been engaged in an elaborate conspiracy to fool everybody. We here at Humorix would like to thank all of our sources who contributed to this exclusive report, including Bob, the former Transmeta janitor; Spy #423, who decoded a secret message hidden in the source code to the Transmeta website; Erik, who planted a bug inside the Transmeta conference room; and Rob, a friend of a friend of the boss of the wife of the UPS guy who once delivered a package to Transmeta.

Judge Jackson Reverses Himself

Fake News written by Matthew Roberts on November 10, 1999

WASHINGTON, D. C. -- In an unprecedented and unexpected development, Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson reversed himself today regarding his finding of fact in the Microsoft antitrust case. Accompanied by representatives from the Microsoft Corporation, the judge announced at an impromptu press conference that he had been "premature" in his judgment of the Redmond software behemoth.

"It's obvious," said the judge, "that Microsoft does not have monopoly power. Consumers have many choices. A quick perusal of the classified ads in your local paper will show that there are thousands of Commodore 64 and Apple ][c computers for sale. Garage sales are a literal treasure trove when it comes to buying competing operating systems."

The judge also revealed that his personal envy of Bill Gates unduly influenced his decision. "Yeah, I admit that I'm jealous of the brilliant Mr. Gates. I mean, he makes more money in one hour than I made in my entire three year career as a lawyer. And I did a [expletive deleted] of a lot of double billing," the judge was quoted as saying.

Despite the impromptu nature of the press conference -- Judge Jackson had no prepared notes -- the proceedings went very smoothly except for a minor incident during the question and answer session. While answering a question regarding his comments that "Microsoft's products are popular because we've -- I mean they've -- focused on their customers and innovated to meet their needs," the judge hesitated slightly. A reporter from another news service said he heard Judge Jackson mumble something about an "illegal operation" and his face went blank. Other reporters say it appeared that his eyes took on a blue tint and he was about to fall over when a Microsoft technician put out a hand to steady the judge. There was a slight whirring sound and then the judge seemed to be back to his normal self.

The judge also took the time to clarify his views on Linux. He said that now was a good time to expose some of the myths about the rogue operating system. "Did you know," he told the packed house, "that the Linux swap file is limited to 128 Megabytes?" He noted the superiority of Windows NT's "fine-grained kernel locks." The judge also revealed possible sinister under tones to the Linux OS. "I was shocked and appalled to find that a search for `more evil than Satan' turned up Linus Torvalds' home page as the first hit on the msn.google.com search engine."

Wall Street reacted favorably to the news as shares of Microsoft stock (Nasdaq: HAHA) were up 7 5/8 in heavy trading. Representatives from both the DOJ and Microsoft's new Robotics & Artificial Intelligence Department were unavailable for comment at press time.

What About Bill?

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 9, 1999

In the wake of Judge Jackson's harsh Findings Of Fact against Microsoft, everybody has an opinion -- and isn't afraid to share it. We here at Humorix picked out a group of people at "random" and asked them to share their thoughts about the ruling.

BeOS Advocate: Yeeeesss! My stock broker called me a fool for investing my life savings in Be Inc., but now who's laughing? Thanks to Jackson's ruling, and the small hope that a Microsoft competitor might actually survive for longer than a week, Be's stock has skyrocketed. I've made enough to buy that Tempest device I've had my eye on.

Linus Torvalds: All of this will be rendered mute when Transmeta announces its new product in December. The industry will undergo a paradigm shift and Microsoft will soon become the next Digital Research. Hmmm... maybe I shouldn't talk about that now. Forget everything I just said... This comment is not here yet.

Joe Schmoe On The Street: I can't believe the Big Evil Government is tormenting the most innovative people in the software industry! I'm talking about Linux... I mean, c'mon, Judge Jackon's statement that Linux is a "fringe operating system" is just plain wrong. The Government should have no right to persecute Linux and Open Source like this...

Bill Gates: Will you people stop bothering me? I'm Bill Gates from Winchester, Tennessee, not Redmond! Sheesh. The Gummit shouldn't be investigating companies like Microsoft, it needs to investigate idiot reporters like you who bug people like me for no good reason! Oh, and what's this crap I keep hearing about Lennox? They make the worst heating and air conditioning systems around. If Microsoft's so-called "anti-competitive" practices are preventing Lennox from gaining marketshare, then I say, good!

Slashdot User: This is excellent news! I haven't thought about remedies yet... well, you know, I can think of one thing the court should do: require that Microsoft remove the Dancing Paper Clip and associated crap from Office... Oh, and while they're at it, get rid of those multi-megabyte easter eggs. Why does Excel need a flight simulator? So I can see the Blue Screen of Death in 3D? Oh, and another thing, the court needs to put a hex on ActiveX...

P.S. I hate it when Ziff-Davis or MSNBC quotes my Slashdot comments, snips... portions... of them and then takes them out of context! If another portal site quotes me without attribution, they're going to find themselves at the wrong end of a Denial Of Service attack!

Fred Moody: [squinting, as if trying to read a press release on a distant computer screen] The government must not infringe on Microsoft's freedom to innovate. This trial is a travesty of justice. Microsoft has succeeded because the company has been guided by the most basic American values: innovation, integrity... and um [muttering]... I can't read that line... screwing customers? serfing customers? Oh, [louder] serving customers. Windows NT is cool. The only people that don't use (and enjoy) Microsoft solutions are longhaired get-back-to-Earth hippie spiritualists bent on world domination.

Resident Slashdot Conspiracy Nut: Don't you see? This whole trial is a conspiracy concocted by Bill Gates. He knows that he stands to make even more billions if Microsoft is broken up into Baby Bills... just like Rockefeller did with Standard Oil, and stockholders did with Ma Bell. Bill Gates actually wants the DOJ to win. That's why he's been so arrogant in court; he wants Judge Jackson to throw the book at him! It will be a very lucrative book. The faked Windows video? His amnesia during the video deposition? It's all a ruse to fool Microsoft stockholders... and us.

Wall Street Journal Columnist: I can't believe this is happening. Clearly Judge Jackson has been subverted -- dare I say bribed? -- by Microsoft's enemies who don't want to compete fairly. Red Hat, Apple, Be, Sun, AOL... it's all a planned corruption of the American legal system. I'll be watching Jackson to see if he retires to the Bahamas after the trial is over...

Economics Professor: The Findings Of Fact is full of errors, generalizations, and subjective conclusions. The Appeals Court is going to eat Jackson alive. I mean, for one thing, Microsoft certainly has a larger market share for PC operating systems than the paltry 95% figure that's cited. I can't even think of any competing software... my students keep talking about something called LIE-nix, but I think that's just some obscure inside joke about the Peanuts character rather than an actual product.

Linux Longhair: If Microsoft is a monopoly, then that means Linux doesn't stand a chance. But if Microsoft is not a monopoly, then the court won't act, so Linux still won't stand a chance. This sucks.

Richard M. Stallman: This Judge Jackson just doesn't "get it". How many times do I have to tell people it's "GNU/Linux"?!? And Jackson referred to "Open Source", not "Free Software". What a joke.

Jon Splatz: I hate this. On the one hand I hate Microsoft, but on the other hand I absolutely loath lawyers. If the DOJ is successful and the lawyers strike another victory, then we're just one step closer to the Lawyerclysm. But if Microsoft wins, then we have to worry about the Billclysm, a future in which Microsoft sells every single product in the world. This sucks. Who am I supposed to root for? Oh, and will I ever get my Windows refund?

Anonymous Coward: Don't get too ecstatic, we all know what's going to happen next. This so-called trial is rigged, just like wrestling and boxing. Microsoft is the Don King of the software industry... they control who wins. I've been told that if you call Microsoft's legal department hotline, you get a recorded messages that says, "For the verdicts of past Microsoft court cases, press 1. For the verdicts of future Microsoft court cases, press 2..."

Windows 98 More Secure Than Linux!

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on November 8, 1999

REDMOND, WA -- Earlier today Microsoft published the results of a test conducted by an independent company, Mindcraft. In this test, the security of Linux and Windows 98 were measured by allowing 100 hand-picked hackers to try and breach the system. The results? Well, it depends on where you look.

The "Linux Myths" section of Microsoft's website contains the headline, "Don't Bet Your Life On Linux -- Unbiased Tests Prove Windows 98 Is More Secure". They quote a Mindcraft employee as saying, "...Linux... sucks."

But, the "Freedom To Innovate" section tells a different story. The headline: "Linux Is More Secure Than Windows, Test Shows... Look, Judge Jackson, We Have Competition!" They quote the same Mindcraft employee as saying, "Compared with Linux, Windows sucks."

Thanks to the diligent efforts of our Vast Spy Network(tm), which never ceases to amaze us in their superhuman ability to be at the right place at the right time, we have been able to obtain the actual report from Mindraft.

Two identical machines, one running Windows 98, the other running Linux, were configured to serve static web pages over a 10 MBit network. (Note: Initially, a 100 MBit network was going to be used, but Windows 98 was unable to handle the traffic, so the test was altered "to give both OSes an equal chance".)

During a 12 hour period, 100 selected hackers were asked to crash and/or modify the content of the web pages. The system with the least number of security breaches would be crowned the winner.

The Windows 98 box was actually running Windows 98 Third Edition, an internal never-to-be-released build of the OS. In addition, the Linux box actually ran Rat Head Linux 0.1, a Microsoft internal distro, featuring, among other things, kernel 0.9.2, wu-ftpd 2.3 and sendmail 8.6.4.

During the test, the Linux box never crashed, although one hacker was able to gain root access by exploiting a buffer overflow. Meanwhile, the hackers were able to easily gain access to the Windows box numerous times, but the system would always crash on its own before they could do any harm.

The results of the test were sent to the Microsoft Marketing and Legal Departments, which interpreted them differently. The "Linux Myths" page operated by Marketing states, "The content of the Windows box was never modified, but the Linux box was. Clearly, Linux is less secure than Windows."

On the other hand, the Legal Department published, "The security of the Linux box was breached only once, while Windows was wide open to the hackers. Clearly Linux is superior with respect to security... anybody with half a brain can see that Linux represents serious competition to Windows. Microsoft does not have a monopoly!"

In response to the news, the Gartner Group issued a press release titled, "Linux Is Competition, But It Still Sucks", which states, "... We recommend all Linux users upgrade to at least Windows 3.1..."

Welcome to Humorixia

Fake News written by Jon Splatz on November 3, 1999

"We the Geeks of Humorixia, in Order to form a more perfect, bullshit-free Society, establish real Justice, insure domestic Freedom, provide for the common defense of Geeks, promote the general Quality of Software, and secure the Blessings of Free Software to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this General Social License for the Nation of Humorixia..."

Last week I reviewed Sue Peena's book "...Guide to Defending Against Lawsuits...". At the time I thought her suggestion to "found an independent nation" (Chapters 5 and 7) was beyond ludicrous.

I've changed my mind. Within the last week several assaults have been made against the Geek Community: the McDonnell-Douglas Y2K patent, the Toshiba lawsuit aftermath, Australia's new censorship law, RealNetwork's privacy brouhaha... and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Something has to give. The lawyers and PHBs of society are out of control.

I joked about it before, but now I'm serious. We need to found an independent nation for geeks by geeks. There's bound to be some uninhabited island out in the Pacific that we could lay claim to.

This new island paradise -- which I'll call Humorixia -- should be based on a written Social License. Below I've drafted a prototype of this document.

What do you think? Write me at jonsplatz [at] i-want-a-website [dot] com.

THE HUMORIXIA GENERAL SOCIAL LICENSE
Version 1.0, November 3, 1999

The Constitutions and Social Contracts for most nations are designed to take away your individual freedoms. By contrast, this Humorixia General Social License is intended to guarantee your freedoms.

To protect your rights, we need to make restrictions that forbid anyone to deny you these rights or to ask you to surrender the rights. These restrictions translate to certain responsibilities for you if you are a Citizen of Humorixia.

Also, for each Citizen's protection and ours, we want to make certain that everyone understands that there is no warranty for this free Citizenship. If the United State launches nuclear warheads against us, or if Microsoft deploys a fleet of Intellectual Property Police in black, unmarked helicopters, then you are on your own.

You are not required to accept this License, since you have not signed it. However, nothing else grants you Humorixia Citizenship and accompanying Rights and Privileges.

The precise Terms and Conditions for Citizenship in the Nation of Humorixia are described in the rest of the General Social License.

Article I. -- Legislative Branch

Section 0. All legislative powers shall be vested in all Citizens by means of the Grand Message Board and the guiding principles of "Rough Consensus" and "Running Code".

Section 1. Amendments, patches, alterations, and addendums to this License shall be submitted to the Grand Message Board in diff(1) format. During a one (1) week interval, Citizens may post comments to the Grand Message Board along with a single vote of 'Yes', 'No', or 'I Don't Care'.

If the number of 'Yes' votes is in excess of three-fifths, then the patch shall be submitted to the Benevolent Dictator who will apply the patch and distribute the upgraded version of the License to all Official Mirrors.

Article II. -- Executive Branch

Section 0. The powers to enforce this License shall be vested in the Benevolent Dictator and the Benevolent Vice Dictator. These officials shall be elected twice per year by popular vote on the Grand Message Board.

Section 1. The Benevolent Dictator shall be the Keeper Of The Root Password, the Guardian Of The General Social License, the Commander In Chief Of The Geeks With Guns, and the Metaphorical Grand Poobah. The Benevolent Vice Dictator is the Protector Of The Official Tape Backups and Administrator Of The Vast Spy Network(nontm).

Section 2. The Vast Spy Network(nontm) shall handle all Foreign Policy and Espionage. Any Citizen may become a member of the Vast Spy Network after completing an extensive training course and receiving a wireless uplink by means of a Neural Implant From the Future(nontm).

Section 3. The Benevolent Dictator and Vice Dictator, and all Civil Service officers in the Nation Of Humorixia shall be removed from Office on Impeachment and Conviction for: Treason, Aiding Script Kiddies, Unauthorized Code Forking, or Selling His Soul To Bill Gates.

Article III. -- Judicial Branch

Section 0. A single Meta-Moderator Judge serving an elected six-month term shall be vested with exclusive judicial power. The Judge shall, at His discretion, revoke the Citizenship of, levy fine against, and/or publicly ridicule any Citizen who is found guilty of infringing on the terms of this License.

Article IV. -- Rights, Priviliges, and Benefits Of Citizenship

Section 0. All Citizens shall enjoy the following benefits:

1. Full and unhindered access to the Island of Humorixia in the South Pacific.

2. Supply of electricity by means of a Waste-To-Energy Power Plant burning discarded boxes, documentation, and media of proprietary software (i.e. Microsoft Windows). Each Citizen is directed to contribute at least five (5) kilograms of such material per year.

3. Total protection from all lawsuits and legal actions originating from any other country or jurisdiction.

4. Unlimited free domain names registered under Humorixia's TLD.

5. Full use of the Humorixia Vast Spy Network(nontm) for the purposes of retaliating against spam, Script Kiddie attacks, or Denial Of Service attacks.

6. Broadband Internet access via retrofitted Humorix Spy Satellite Number Two.

7. Humorixia Gold Credit Card and Secret Handshake accepted worldwide.

8. No taxes, although all Citizens are requested to contribute at least two (2) items per year of Free Software, Documentation, or other related Services towards the Betterment of the Geek Community.

9. Gratis "Got Freedom?" T-shirts to the first five hundred (500) people who apply for Citizenship.

10. Right to post one comment and one vote on the Grand Message Board per issue or discussion.

11. The usual rights to free speech, press, assembly, religion, Internet access, encryption, etc.

Article V. -- Illegal Activities

Section 0. The following activities are outside the bounds of this License and may result in termination of your Citizenship per Article III:

1. Using Humorixia resources to aid the spread, distribution, and sale of software that does not meet the terms of the Debian Free Software Guidelines (or equivalent).

2. Distribution of unsolicited bulk commercial email under any circumstances.

3. Obtaining a Law Degree from any institution under any circumstances. [In other words, no lawyers allowed. This will certainly put a stop to the Lawyerclysm -- Jon Splatz]

4. Inflicting physical harm on any other Citizen or their Computer Equipment (i.e. installing Windows as a prank, executing a malicious rm(1) command, etc.)

5. Holding stock or other monetary interests in a company listed on the Official Black List, including Microsoft, Unisys, and Network Solutions. This Black List may be updated by three-fifths popular vote on the Grand Message Board.

6. Posting a so-called "First post!" comment to the Grand Message Board.

UPDATE by The Editor:

Just as this opinion piece went to press, the following letter arrived from Microsoft's Legal Department. As much as we hate to admit it, the contents of this letter actually validate some of Jon Splatz's ramblings.

Dear Valued Mr. Splatz,

Please pass this note on to Sue Peena, the author of the book you recently reviewed. Unfortunately, her address is not revealed in the book itself, and we have been unable to convince a judge to issue a subpoena to Sue Peena.

Ms. Peena,

We have come to the conclusion that your book violates as many as 37 Microsoft patents and contains at least 7 unproven statements damaging the reputation of Microsoft. Following your advice from Chapter 3, we see ourselves forced to file suit against you.

Our lawsuit contains, but is not limited to, the following items:

1. Your name is listed as "Ms. Peena". "Ms" is a registered trademark of Microsoft, Corp., and not acknowledged as such.

2. Your usage of the term "BEC" with Microsoft is correct, but you fail to state that the term BEC is short for "Best Ever Company".

3. Chapters 5 and 6 are a reproduction of internal Microsoft research papers (aka Halloween VII and VIII), which we have just begun to execute. (see the result of the DOJ lawsuit against us)

4. Your Chapter 0 ("Opening statements") violates a patent held by Microsoft Press (starting a book with a chapter with any heading indicating it is the first chapter).

5. You have composed a book entirely of WORDs, without buying an adequate number of Microsoft Word® licenses.

Sincerely,

C.A. Pitalist
Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department

Sue Menot
Assistant Chief Of Lawsuits Against Individuals, Microsoft Legal Department

L. Awier
MSCL (Microsoft Certified Lawyer) #15,103