Last TLD Sold To Commercial Interests

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 28, 2000

VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN -- During the past year, the governments of small nations have been selling their Top Level Domains (TLDs) to commercial interests in exchange for the kind of money that only a Silicon Valley company could spend. Liechtenstein was the last holdout -- until today. Earlier today they inked a deal with VA Linux/Andover to license their .li TLD for US$50 million per year. This comes on the heels of a deal VA Linux made last week to acquire the .sd domain from Sudan to use as a home for SlashDot.

VA Linux said in a press release lacking any semantic content, "This strategic acquisition leverages the global cross-platform domain name system to increas the corporate enterprise mindshare of Linux and Open Source development methodology paradigms, along with synergizing our dotcom E-Commerce and B2B strategic partnerships, and, most importantly, making us a lot of money."

Red Hat had also expressed interest in the .li TLD, but instead purchased .gl (Gnu-Linux) from Greenland and .lu (LinUx) from Luxembourg for a much lower price two weeks ago. Red Hat also scooped up redh.at from Austria and r.pm from St. Pierre-Miquelon.

The Research & Caffeine-Guzzling Department here at Humorix collected this list of TLDs that were handed over to corporations during the last year:

• .pl (Poland), .pm (St. Pierre-Miquelon), .py (Paraguay), and .cc (Cocos Islands) - O'Reilly snapped up these domains to use for Perl, Python, and C++ sites.

• .pn (Pitcairn Island) - X-Rated X-Citement X-Travaganza Inc. purchased this TLD to use for PorN.

• .er (Eritrea) - Network Solutions grabbed this TLD to add to their monopoly portfolio. They've already sold domains like lawy.er, spamm.er, and ambulance-chas.er for $10,000 apiece.

• .mc (Monaco) - McDonalds snatched this TLD to use exclusively for their website.

• .bg (Bulgaria) - Not to be outdone, Burger King bought this TLD.

• .md (Moldova) - An association of doctors with too much money chipped in to buy this TLD for vanity websites.

• .mv (Maldives) - A dotcom that was about to fail trashed their business plan (written on a napkin) and pooled just enough Venture Capital to buy this TLD for movies.

• .ms (Montserrat), .mn (Mongolia), .bb (Barbados) and .ie (Ireland) - Microsoft literally acquired all of these countries so they could claim these TLDs for Microsoft, the Microsoft Network, Microsoft BoB, and Internet Explorer, respectively.

• .co (Colombia) and .cm (Cameroon) - An entreprenuer snagged these TLDs hoping that newbies will mistake them for .com.

• .sm (San Marino) - Porn-O-Terrific Inc. leased this TLD in February to house smut sites. This decision was a good one, as orga.sm and sado-masochi.sm are now quite popular. Our own Jon Splatz was hoping last year to convince the San Marino government to sell him lawyercly.sm, but negotiations fell through.

  Porn-O-Terrific also snagged .fo (Faroe Islands) for "FOrnication" and .re (Reunion Island) for "REdlight district". Porn-O-Terrific expects an IPO next month, which analysts predict will be spectacular. Said one, "Adult sites are the only Internet content companies that are making any money right now..."

• .bz (Belize) - LinuxOne scraped together enough capital to lease this TLD hoping to house Open Source (BaZaar) projects here. It didn't work at all, since all real nerds prefer .dot domains.

• .st (Sao Tome) - Paramount purchased .st for Star Trek sites. A company spokesman said, "Sorry, George Lucas, but there isn't a .sw domain for Star Wars sites. Sucker!"

• .no (Norway) - Ralph Nader acquired this TLD for a collection of boycott sites. We hear that microsoft.no is quite popular.

Except for .us (which many people have never heard of), .au, .ca, and .uk, all other two-letter TLDs are now in the hands of private companies hoping to get-rich-quick from the sorry state of the DNS system. Still, one TLD-o-preneur defended his business, arguing, "Nobody used many of those domains anyways. So what if we're using the system in ways it wasn't intended for... that's a small price to pay to have such cool domains as no.sp.am, big-naked-bu.tt, emacs.vs.vi and linux-rul.es."

The Operating System Holy War Erupts Again

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 27, 2000

YAKIMA, WA -- A new front has opened up in the ongoing Software War between two computer stores in downtown Yakima. Mom & Pop's Olde Time Computer Shoppe fired the opening salvo by moving all of their Linux merchandise to the "Entertainment" section in a hidden corner at the back of the store. Soon after, Colonel Panic's Software Bazaar instituted a new policy requiring customers to undergo a five-day waiting period before purchasing any Microsoft products. The town's Freedom To Innovate Association and the Yakima Linux Yakkers User Group have declared war on each other, with no end in sight.

The whole thing started last Wednesday, when Mom & Pop decided to reorganize their store. They shuffled Linux stuff to the back, while Microsoft boxes remained in the "Productivity" section at the front of the store. Soon thereafter, Advo Casey, the Benevolent Dictator of the Linux Yakkers Group, discovered the switch. He went on record as saying, "This is an outrage! To relegate Red Hat Linux to the back of the store next to the dusty bin of third-rate shareware games is beyond ludicrous! This means war!"

Store co-owners Momar "Mom" Jones and Popeye "Pop" Moyer defended their store's move. Said Momar, "As far as I'm concerned, Linux is nothing but a game. The process of repartitioning your hard drive, installing it, configuring it, and editing lots of incomprehensible text files is a challenge that even the best computer game couldn't match. That's why we moved it to the 'Entertainment' section."

Popeye chipped in, "There's nothing productive about Linux. Millions of geeks and geek wannabees are wasting countless man-hours toiling away in their basements tinkering and klutzing with Linux to get it to work the way they want. Heck, we'd discontinue all Linux distros from our inventory if wasn't for those annoying Linux zealots who swagger in here every day demanding to know why we're the only store in Washington that doesn't carry Black Hat... or Burned Hat or Communist Helmet or whatever it's called."

Needless to say, the Linux users in town weren't about to let this go unchallenged. Kurn L. Hacker, the proprietor of the competing Colonel Panic's Software Bazaar, immediately took action. He explained, "The Court has ruled that Microsoft violated Federal anti-trust laws. Ergo, Microsoft is a convicted felon. My store therefore requires all customers to enter into a five-day 'cooling off period' before purchasing Windows, so they can consider the ramifications of giving money to a felonious organization. Plus, Microsoft products have been shown to increase stress -- and therefore heart attacks -- so this policy is for the health and safety of my customers."

Once the opening shots were fired, the Freedom To Innovate Association sent a formal Declaration of War to the Linux Yakkers -- in Word .doc format, of course. The Linux zealots responded with a ping storm aimed at the Mom & Pop website. Although the situation remained non-violent, a tense confrontation did occur on Saturday at Franklin City Park, when representatives of both sides got into a shouting match.

The next day, Mom & Pop dumped all of their remaining Linux inventory into the river, saying, "What's ten boxes of Red Hat at the bottom of the Yakima River? A darned good start!" Colonel Panic responded by slapping a "Handling Fee" of 1000% on all Microsoft purchases to cover his "mental anguish and fatigue at dealing with Microsoft products."

Other than those two incidents, however, the Yakima Linux War has so far been quiet. Nevertheless, observers expect that intense fighting could erupt at any time. "This same thing happened last year in Raleigh-Durham," explained one geek culture expert. "A group of Microsoft lovers started to make a fuss, and the Linux users all got mad. That was quite a mess."

Stay tuned to Humorix for biased updates to this story as we make them up.

This Fake News Article Is Sponsored By...

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 19, 2000

The race is on for software companies to turn their software into giant billboards and SMDS (Subliminal Message Delivery Systems) in order to attract megabucks from corporate sponsors. Microsoft is the lead innovator in this field with all sorts of new non-features slated for Windows Millennium. However, even Linux isn't immune: some Linux distributors, who are bleeding money, are hoping to cash in on the adware bonanza while it lasts.

Microsoft has already inked deals with McDonalds and Intel to attach their jingles to Windows sound events. Booting the system? The Intel jingle plays. Shutting down? The McDonalds tune plays along with the message "It's now safe to turn off your machine -- and head to your nearest McDonalds...". McDonalds is expected to pay $100 million for the privilege of annoying computer users worldwide.

In addition, Microsoft has teamed up with the RIAA in an unholy alliance to sell music. At random times, Windows will play a 20-second song snippet, and then a modal dialog box will pop up, asking "Do you want to hear more? Press 'Yes' and have your credit card handy. Otherwise, hit 'No' five times and then CTRL-X to cancel". A Microsoft spokesman reassured us that it will be possible for end-users to disable this innovative feature by hacking an entry twenty levels deep within the Registry.

But let's not get carried away with Microsoft bashing, because Linux is also getting in on the game. Lots of geeks like to read the kernel source code, which has provided Linus Torvalds an opportunity to reap profits by inserting advertisements within source comments. For instance, one new file in the 2.2.17pre4 kernel contains this comment-vert:

Hi, this is Linus Torvalds speaking, your Benevolent Dictator. I'm typing this today to talk about EyeOpener(tm) brand caffeinated beverages, for those really, really, _really_ long nights of kernel hacking.

EyeOpener(tm): When ordinary colas don't keep you awake for 72 hours straight.

Meanwhile, Linux distributors have been more than happy to accept sponsorship money. Red Hat 7.0 is slated to show advertisements during the kernel boot procedure. When the kernel, for example, has probed your NIC, you might see an ad saying "The kernel has determined that your Ethernet card sucks. Check out the latest models from..." Or, when fsck is working, you might see, "Checking and mounting your drives would be much faster if you had a fast SCSI or FireWire drive from..."

Several distributors also have their eyes set on turning the X Window System into a giant billboard. "Hey, if Microsoft can flood the desktop with promotional icons and ISP tie-ins, then there's no reason we can't either," confided one anonymous employee at S.u.S.E. "If the user doesn't want this stuff, they can simply hand-edit the 29 relevant configuration files. Most Windows users, however, never bother to change the defaults, which is what we're banking on here with Linux."

LinuxOne is trying to cash in, as well. This fly-by-night one-man operation is apparently still in business. We've heard rumors that LinuxOne has inked deals to bundle its distribution with the products of various companies, including: Burglar Queen Happy Meals, Dominator's Pizzas, Sugar-Choco-Bombs Cereal, and Dudwizzer Beer. Every single program in the crippleware LinuxOne distro will be infested with advertising. Sendmail will insert ads into any mail message it handles, bash will display ads while you type in commands, X will scroll ads on the root window -- and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Most users we interviewed seemed indifferent to the adware craze. "You can pry my copy of Red Hat 4.2 from my cold, dead hard drive. I'm not touching anything more recent... I'm doing everything possible to avoid corporate crap," one old-timer said.

In related news, LinuxOne shares rose 50% from Friday's close of US$0.00 to reach an all-time 52 week high of $0.00 on the NasFake market.

Linux Conspirators Build Vast Orbital Internet Array

Fake News written by Matthew "I have a dotspace domain name" Adair on June 19, 2000

OUTER SPACE -- Plug In, Beam Out(tm). At least that's what you can do by dialing in to the Union of Penguinitic GNUist Republics' new satellite constellation orbiting the Earth. Last week the battleship G.S.S. Linusgrad deployed a vast fleet of 256 miniature satellites at 26,000 miles above the Earth, thus providing planetwide Internet coverage. These mini-satellites act as routers for GNU-Net, a service that connects the various dimensions dominated by the UPGR. It's now possible to download a copy of Red Hat Linux in under 1.2 seconds via GNU-Net, which should help Linux advocacy immensely.

The sudden surge in bandwidth has overwhelmed earth-bound ISPs, which are rather upset. AOL (America's Only Line), for instance, has already pleaded with the Department of Justice to launch an anti-trust investigation of the UPGR's Internet venture. Steve Case announced in a press conference, "The UPGR is building a monopoly over Internet access! Soon they will absorb and assimilate everyone and force all of Earth to use its Internet access! We must stop them now, or we will see a future where information is controlled by one company." Upon hearing this, the Linusgrad crew burst into raucous laughter. "That's the best line I've ever heard in this dimension," said the ship's captain.

Certainly GNU-Net's policy against access by Windows computers has infuriated Microsoft Chief Monopoly Architect Bill Gates. He (or actually a PR flak, but it doesn't matter) wrote in a press release today, "If an organization as big as the UPGR is willing to provide Linux-only Internet access, then that means that we have competition. Which means we don't have a monopoly! We're going to win on appeal! I just hope the Appeals Court justices are paying attention."

An emergency meeting of the "Opposing Threats To Our Campaign Contributors" Congressional committee was held earlier today. Senator Fatcatte (R-Washington) bellowed, "The UPGR has surrounded our planet in its web of propaganda. They seek to destroy a whole series of large businesses by monopolizing Internet access. Many of these same companies are our largest campaign contributions! We must put a stop to this conspiracy concocted by the Helsinkian Underground!"

Microsoft's Anti-Piracy Policy Promotes Piracy

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 18, 2000

REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft is causing quite a stir over new policies that prevent OEMs from including Windows CDs with new systems. Even though they have paid the Microsoft Tax, supplicants...er, customers... will only receive "Recovery CDs" (expensive drink coasters) and computers with the Windows "Certificate Of Authenticty" (warning labels) permanently attached. One Microsoft spokesdroid said, "These innovative policies are designed to combat piracy. It's for the protection of our valued customers." However, preliminary research conducted by Humorix indicates that this new policy will actually increase piracy -- and how!

The Humorix Vast Research Labs Of Doom(tm) decided to research this matter by purchasing two machines: one from a reputable Microsoft-endorsed manufacturer, the other from a shady reseller who includes unlicensed copies of Windows with each system for... um... (wink, wink) 'testing purposes only'. We paid US $1,200 for a SpottedCow(tm) brand PC from Gateway 19100 and $700 for an virtually identical white box from an eBay seller with dubious feedback.

Except for cosmetic differences, both machines were the same. They both came with Windows 98 pre-installed, but neither shipped with usable Windows media (except for AOL discs). Both copies of Windows had a MTBF of about 10 minutes, both featured Solitaire, and both sucked equally hard. However, we didn't pay the Microsoft Tax for one of them.

The upshot is that, with the SpottedCow box, we paid $50 for Windows but received nothing to show for it except some random magnetic impulses on the hard drive (and a Windows COA label that even a nuclear blast couldn't budge). With the eBay white box, we paid $0 for Windows and received nothing to show for it except some random magnetic impulses on the hard drive. The latter copy, of course, wasn't "legal", but we didn't expect that ethical dilemma to last much beyond FORMAT C: and lilo: linux.

So, in the future, Humorix is only going to buy machines from dubious anonymous sellers that include Windows "for novelty purposes only". If we're going to receive nothing, we sure aren't going to pay anything more than nothing for it.

Moreover, we expect others to do the same. The demand for pirated Windows pre-installations should skyrocket. Confided one eBay retailer, "This is the best news coming out of Redmond I can remember... bids at my auctions have already jumped. Gateway 19100, CompUSSR, Dull Computers, and Conpaq will all be out of business by X-mas as shoppers all opt for medialess computers without media prices.

Said one person we interviewed, "Shut the hell up! If everyone finds out about this little... uh... secret, then the Microsoft Piracy Police will swoop in with their unmarked black helicopters and put a heavy-handed stop to this. I can only imagine what kinds of 'anti-piracy' policies the Microserfs will think up in response to this... Receiving the death penalty for using an unlicensed copy of Windows? I can see it. Then again, being forced to use Windows is only one step below capital punishment anyways..."

A certain formally-dressed individual waddled up to this Humorix reporter and said while munching on herring, "Microsoft sees Linux users as a bunch of pirates. Just as jolly-roger-bearing pirates of yore stole treasure, Linux 'pirates', according to Microsoft, steal operating system marketshare. So these new policies really are anti-piracy... er, I mean anti-Linux. Windows sheep won't try Linux because they know they won't be able to recover their Windows system if their Red Hack Linux installation happens to go awry. This is all a Microsoft strategy designed to thwart Linux users from pirating... er, rightfully taking... Windows marketshare."

However, another strangely dressed individual, this time wielding a sharp pitchfork, responded, "Nah, this is the perfect opportunity to advocate Open Source software! It's impossible to distribute pirated copies of FreeBSD or That Other System That Rhymes With Cynics, so users won't ever have to face these draconian restrictions if they boycott proprietary software. Once Joe Schmoe gets burned because he can't reinstall Windows after the Registry corrupts (again), then he'll think twice about paying something for nothing."

Then he added with an evil grin before vanishing in a puff of red smoke, "No, this harebrained Microsoft policy is going to backfire in the long run... the DOJ doesn't need to split up Microsoft when Bill Gates can blissfully do that himself..."

Ask Humorix: So You Want To Start Your Own Linux User Group

Feature written by James Baughn on June 14, 2000

Anonymous Superuser writes, "I'm a hard-core geek and Stage 7 Linux zealot living in some podunk town in the Internet B@ckwater... er, the Midwest. I look at the active Linux User Groups in other states with envy. I see members in those LUGs getting free Linux CDs, discounts at Linux Conventions, the secret handshake, job offers at companies that don't use Windows, and the chance to meet Geek Girls. I want some of that! So how do I go about starting a new Linux User Group even though I suspect I might be the only Linux user in a ten-county radius?"

The Humorix Oracle responds:

As it turns out, I'm the founder of the Linux User Group for Non-corporeal Unhindered Telepaths (LUG-NUT) which counts over 250 oracular dieties among its members (including the great Internet Oracle himself). So, I know a thing or two million about starting such a group.

Here is a brief mini-HOWTO:

Finding members

The "Group" in LUG is plural, which means that you'll need to find warm bodies other than yourself. Now I suppose you could become a LUI (Linux User Individual), but that isn't going to get you free stuff or a date.

I'm willing to bet you a copy of Windows 2000 (retail value: US$200, actual value: $0) that there's more Linux users in your area than you realize. World domination is at hand, after all, which means that people other than Silicon Valley eccentrics have to know about it. Heck, I was at the Annual OracleExpo 2000 in some remote town in Kansas last month and I saw signs of Linux usage. A sales rep at Wal-Mart (of all places) demonstrated knowledge of Linux when I asked whether the SuperMaxWidgetMaster Deluxe Professional Advanced GizmoTronX 2000 (at 75% off, an excellent deal even though I'm not entirely sure what it does) was supported by the 2.4 Linux kernel. He didn't know, but he did direct me to comp.os.linux.will-it-run-on-linux.

So, I think there's plenty of Linux users in your area. The problem is that you have to find them. Your typical Linux geek is going to be introverted, hiding in their basement toiling away on some stupid Open Source project or lame Linux humor site.

Your local bookstore is a good place to track down the elusive geek. Hang Out By The O'Reilly Books (HOBTOB) and be on the lookout for anyone who picks up a Linux or Unix related book. Don't say anything until you see the whites of the Penguins on the cover. Then pounce! Casually strike up a conversation about Linux and then happen to mention that you're thinking of maybe possibly perhaps forming a small informal Linux User Group. That ought to get their attention.

While I'm thinking about it (us non-corporeal Oracular beings tend to be a bit scatter-brained, you know): when you're ready to start promoting your LUG, be sure to insert flyers into the Linux books sitting on the bookstore's shelves. If you're caught doing this on surveillance tape, just say to the manager, "What? Your surveillance system must be flawed. It isn't running Windows is it?"

The Computer Science department of your local university (assuming such a thing exists) is also a natural place to look. The stereotypical geek is shy -- until you mention Linux, and then they'll go into a frenzy. You might want to take a bullhorn to the CompSci department (or the dorms where the geeks live) and make an announcement. When the geeks hear the word "Linux" they'll stop their Quake game or Napster session and flock to you like RIAA lawyers to an MP3 site.

You might also try to infect the Windows computers on campus with the Tuxissa virus, which would certainly get the point across, unfortunately you'll be in jail while the first LUG meeting takes place without you. Perhaps it would be best if you just posted flyers around campus, which is the more traditional method least likely to get you in trouble with the Department of Public Safety & Parking Ticket Gestapos.

You'll also want to try to attract other people beyond the usual Linux geeks. There's plenty of disgruntled Windows users who would be happy to venture to the light side (as opposed to dark) and try Linux. You'll need to focus on Linux Advocacy.

There's one thing that binds all computer users together: The Windows bluescreen. This should be used as a rallying cry for converting people to Linux. Everyone has seen the BSOD... and when you can prove to them that there exists an operating system that doesn't have this abomination, they'll be primed and ready for World Domination.

When I say everyone has seen the bluescreen, I mean everyone. Lots of TV stations use Windows boxes for weather maps. Which means, of course, that lots of TV stations have shown the Blue Screen Of Death on-air. I'm not making this up. From airport terminals to big screen displays to local yokel TV stations, the Bluescreen is ubiquitous.

Hopefully you'll be able to find enough geeks (or convert enough Microserfs) to start a LUG. If not, however, there's always another alternative: the Beer User Group (BUG). You should have no trouble finding enough people interested in adult beverages. All you have to do is form a BUG and while everyone is drunk, gently nudge the members into talking about computers, and then, Linux. Before long you'll subvert your BUG into a LUG.

Meeting place

After you've located enough prospective members you'll need to decide on a time and place to hold the first meeting. Your first instict might be to hold it on IRC (your social gathering place of choice), but LUGs are meatspace organizations. You do realize that you'll need to venture outside into the bright sunshine (with sunscreen if your skin is only accustomed to florescent light) in order to meet with other Linux users, right?

The two keys to any successful LUG meeting place are: (a) unlimited caffeine supply and (b) good Internet access (on computers running Linux, of course).

Unfortunately, finding a decent Net connection in the Internet B@ckwater is, by definition, nearly impossible. Broadband is a pipe dream in many places, and yet, you don't win friends with a dial-up connection. Even worse, some particularly remote areas might have obnoxious TPFHs (Telephone Monopolies From Hell) that don't even offer dial-up.

In certain areas of the Missouri Ozarks, for instance, your only choice for Net access is RFC 1149 (but without RFC 2549). You put everything you want to send on a floppy disk and hand it off to a carrier pigeon which transports it to trained monkeys sitting in an office near St. Louis. After relaying your queued data, the monkeys send back another disk with the stuff that you requested to download. The whole process takes about 6 hours. At 1.44MB per disk (and one floppy is a heavy load for a bird anyways) that comes out to around 546 bits per second one-way at peak performance, less during foul weather or if the birds gets too close to Lambert International Airport.

But I digress. Us oracular dieties do have a tendency to venture off on irrelevant tangents, much like the discussions on Slashdot. We've even been known to go off on meta-tangents in which we engage in offtopic babbling about offtopic babbling. But I meta-digress.

Even if Internet access isn't readily available, you'll still want to have a bunch of Linux computers handy if possible. This way your members can show off the latest Unix trick they learned or (more importantly) play Quake against other members.

Promotion

You'll need to get the word out about your LUG to prospective members. The local newspaper might be a good place to try. If you can get the paper's "tech pundit" interested, then that's great. Unfortunately, the media conglomerates in most small Midwestern towns tend to hire Jesse Berst wannabees as tech columnists. I know of one local yokel pundit who makes the Ziff-Davis staff look like geniuses; not only does he spell Linux as "Lenix" (if he actually mentions it) but he refers to any anti-Microsoft argument as "FUD". Convincing someone like that to do a writeup about your LUG is probably about as likely as Open Source Windows.

Certainly you should be able to drum up support via the Internet. You'll want to post to comp.os.linux.announce and alt.linux.user-groups.i-need-warm-bodies, as well as the various LUG directories. It would be nice if you could get a mention on a local community website, but that might not be possible in extreme parts of the Internet B@ckwater. One, such websites might not exist, and two, they might all be running on Windows NT. One Southeast Missouri links directory has been showing the same ASP error for over a year now (a display that is almost becoming as ubiquitous as the Bluescreen).

Conclusion

Hopefully you'll be able to take these suggestion and formulate a plan for creating a successful (read: contains lots of Geek Girls) LUG. I recommend that you write out a plan ahead of time on a wrinkled napkin while dining in a busy restaurant, which is the method 6 out of 10 dotcom billionaires prefer for composing their business plans. Your Linux User Group won't be a for-profit dotcom, of course... but you never know.

You owe the Oracle one Humorix T-shirt, which the beancounters over at Humorix World Headquarters are too cheap to buy for staff writers.

Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Microsoft Shareholder's Children?

Fake News written by James Baughn on June 7, 2000

KANSAS CITY, MO -- The Evil Monopoly will soon be a duopoly of MICROS~1 and MICROS~2 now that Judge Jackson has made his ruling. Geeks everywhere are shedding tears of joy, while Microsoft investors are shedding real tears. But not everybody is ecstatic about the ruling. "It dawned on me today that if Microsoft is broken up, we won't have anyone to bash anymore. We can have that," said Rob Graustein, the founder of the new "Save Microsoft Now! Campaign".

Rob continued, "I know what you're thinking! I have not been assimilated... er, hired... by Microsoft. I'm not crazy. I haven't been paid off, either, although if Bill is willing to send a billion my way I won't complain too loudly. My life as a geek revolves around bashing Microsoft. I mean, I own the world's largest collection of anti-Microsoft T-shirts and underwear. It's time to take a stand against the elimination of Geek Enemy #1. Bashing the MPAA, RIAA, Mattel, Amazon, USPTO, UniSys, DoubleClick, Bank of America, and every other geek-crossing organization just isn't as fulfilling as attacking Microsoft."

The Save Microsoft Now! Campaign has a total of two members, but it is expected to grow in size. "When geeks come to realize what life in a post-Microsoft world will be like, they'll have no choice but to join our campaign and demand that the Supreme Court overturn the Microsoft breakup," said mother Edna Graustein.

Of course, the chances that this campaign will have an impact are small. Rob admits this reality, and says, "If Microsoft is ever broken up, I recommend that the geek community pool their resources to support another fledgling empire that we can then bash in the future. America Online looks like a prime choice for evil-empire-to-be. And let's not forget about VA Linux! They've got the News For Nerds market all sowed up."

Most observers agree that Mr. Graustein's brain has gone 404. "This guy is nuts! Support Microsoft? I can't believe I'm hearing this. Even fake news sites couldn't make up this kind of insanity."

[John Elfrink contributed to this report.]

Computer Survives The Blue Screen Of Death!

Fake News written by Timm Murray on June 5, 2000

Last Saturday at 1:26 PM Eastern, Todd Galler opened up Microsoft Word and saw the infamous Blue Screen of Death. Galler, who had just purchased his first computer a month ago, had never seen this screen before. He read the cryptic instructions on the screen. After not being able to find the "any" key, he instead tried the Three Fingered Salute (CTRL-ALT-DEL), but his hand slipped and hit INSERT. He noticed then that his computer was back to normal.

He asked his next-door neighbor Eric, a rabid Linux advocate and President of the local Linux User Group, about the incident. The neighbor nearly fainted. "Your computer survived the bluescreen and then remained stable the rest of the day! Holy cow!"

Eric immediately ran home and submitted the story to Slashdot and every other nerd portal site he could think of. Hemos rejected his submission, saying, "You obviously made that up! We don't accept unconfirmed rumors here at Slashdot!"

He then called an emergency meeting of his User Group. One member who happened to have a Windows 98 laptop (he reassured the group that he was in the process of installing Linux on it) tried to reproduce the incident. He quickly produced a bluescreen, and then hit CTRL-ALT-INSERT. The machine returned to its normal pre-crash operation. "We can't let word of this spread! Our big Linux advocacy rallying cry is the instability of Windows... if people know how to bypass the bluescreen, then they won't even bother trying Linux!"

Word of the incident, however, did quickly spread across the Internet. It eventually reached the Chief Bloatware Architect's office, prompting Bill Gates to hold a hasty press conference. He announced, "This incident just proves how innovative Microsoft truly is. If Microsoft is split up into MICROS~1 and MICROS~2, then what hope will computers have in the future of surviving known issues such as the Blue Screen?"

A few hours later Taco Boy did finally post the story to Slashdot. The resident geeks weren't sure what to make of Bill Gates' announcement. A total of 26 threads popped up with the subject, "WTF?". One AnonCow did post, "Gates is right. How could Microsoft hope to fix the bugs in Windows if they are broken up into Baby Bils?" (Score -2, Obvious Ziff-Davis Pundit).

The five Microsoft employees who designed the Blue Screen of Death while working as members of the "Error Message User Interface Design Team" in 1995 were all unavailable for comment.