The Linux House 1.01

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 27, 2000

RATTLESNAKE RIDGE, LOUSIANA -- Mr. Billy O'Nair knows how to build a house. The 24 year old retired dotcom billionaire has constructed the "Linux House 1.01", a bachelor pad built in the shape of Tux Penguin. This geek haven features a 256 foot long computer room, along with other smaller, lesser important rooms (kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, etc.).

Explained O'Nair, "Why do architects waste a bunch of space on formal living rooms, family rooms, dining rooms, closets, foyers, and hallways that are rarely used? In my 'Linux House', the majority of square footage is devoted to the two rooms that I myself use the most: a computer room and a procrastination room."

The floorplan:

The design for this house is enough to send any geek into a frenzy of rabid drooling. Just look at what each room contains:

• The Procrastination Room: When it comes to wasting time, Billy knows how to do it in style. With a wall-sized flat-screen TV, movie projector, pool table, LEGO workshop, and deluxe Laz-E-Geek(tm) recliner, there's absolutely no reason to perform meaningful work ever again.

• The Computer Room: Many traditional houses try to hide the computer in a small "office" or "server closet". Not the Linux House. Not only is the computer room the largest space in the house, but it's also the first thing you see when you enter the front door. This room contains 64 computers running Linux, along with a few well-hidden boxes in the far corner that run other operating systems "just in case".

• Bathroom & Library: In version 1.00 of the Linux House, O'Nair planned a seperate room for the library. "But then I realized that I did most of my reading and meditating while on the toilet," he reflected. "So why bother with a stand-alone library? Now I've got all my O'Reilly and science-fiction books right at my fingertips while I'm on the throne."

• Bedroom: An unfortunate waste of space since Billy doesn't sleep very often (he once performed a 48 hour straight hacking run while doped up on caffeine).

• Kitchen: Another waste of space. This small room only contains a microwave (with its own IP address) and a telephone with the nearest Dominator's Pizza location on speed-dial. "I don't cook," O'Nair said flatly. "Once in awhile I'll nuke a TV dinner, but most of the time I just hit the 'GIMME FOOD' button on the phone and order a Dominator's pizza."

• Linus Torvalds Shrine: No geek house is complete without one.

• Living Room: "This is really just a facade for a secret trapdoor that drops down into the laboratory and nuclear power plant in the basement," he explained. "Yes, I have my own power plant -- how else am I going to get all the power necessary to keep all those computers running 24/7?"

And that's not all. The Linux House features a LAN (Liquor Acquisition Network) that delivers alcohol or caffeinated beverages to any room in the house by way of pipes that run through the ceiling. In addition, 'PANIC' buttons scattered throughout the house activate the RAM System (Random Access Munchies), in which candy bars and other snacks are immediately delivered by FPM (Fast Pretzel Mode) and EDO (Extended Delicacy Output) pneumatic tubes.

Billy O'Nair was quick to point out another feature of the Linux House: No Windows and no Gates. Except for the one Windows computer running as a DSM (Dedicated Solitaire Machine), the entire house is 100% Microsoft free. (Unless you count the picture of Bill Gates on the DARTboard [Direct Action Retribution Target] in the procrastination room.)

Several volunteer engineers are working on a 2.00 release of the house. "The blueprints are currently available online under the BSD (Blueprint Source Distribution) License and anybody can submit patches," Billy said. Planned improvements include a second floor that will house a 128-node Beowulf cluster of Cray supercomputers connected to an OC-48 pipe. "I can afford this," said the dotcom billionaire. "After all, I'm using holograms for plants and trees, which saves a bundle on landscaping and gardening costs. It's not like I'm going to be outside much anyways."

The upcoming version will also fix a few bugs in the current design. "I should've put the kitchen near Tux's beak," he said. "And the Linus Torvalds Shrine needs to be in a more prominent location in the center of the computer room."

Built in 1998, Mr. O'Nair's Linux House 1.01 has gained national attention. A recent issue of "Better Homes & Gardens That You Can't Afford" featured a ten-page article on the house. Next year the magazine is scheduled to feature the daemon-shaped "FreeBSD Garage" that he wants to build for his Geekmobile. He also has other outbuildings on the drawing board, leaving the Linux House as the kernel of his property.

Billy O'Nair's creation has also done wonders for the cause of Linux advocacy in his local community. A series of articles in the Rattlesnake Ridge Browbeater-Crusader Newspaper about the Linux House raised awareness of bluescreen-free software alternatives. (Of course, the newspaper reporters mispelled Linux as "Lenix" and referred to the "Open Sores" movement numerous times [But we won't pick at that -- The Editor].)

"I've really put this town on the map," Billy bragged. "My Linux House surpassed the World's Largest Kudzu Patch as the region's most popular tourist attraction."

Please Bow For The "King Of The Internet"

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 24, 2000

At a press conference held at Sony World Headquarters, Steve Heckler declared himself in full and total control of the Internet. While aides put a crown on his head, he said, "I will firewall Napster at the source -- I will block it at the cable company, I will block it at the phone company, I will block it at the ISP. Nobody will use Napster ever again. Why? Because large corporations like Sony control the Net. And I'm now the King Of The Internet."

As his first official act since assuming the crown as the Net.King, Mr. Heckler issued a royal order demanding that all computers running Napster would be firewalled from the rest of the Internet. In addition, the domain names and IP numbers for all boxes housing the DeCSS code, anti-Sony websites, or Linux humor sites would be immediately revoked.

Jack Valenti, MPAA President, has been appointed by Heckler as the new "Minister Of Information" and "Prince Of Copyright Protection". Heckler said, "I give Mr. Valenti full and complete power to do anything necessary to protect the intellectual property of large corporations so as to help feed starving musicians and movie producers who are being deprived by freeloading Napster and DVD pirates."

"Piracy is futile," Prince Valenti snarled. "Naspter users will be assimilated and re-educated."

Heckler and Valenti might now claim royal power, but nobody has followed their orders yet. After a Sony lackey delivered the royal edict to Steve Case, head of America's Only Line (AOL), he laughed for five minutes straight. "Who does this Heckler guy think he is? I'm the Lord of the Internet! I control a huge percentage of all Internet access... how much does Sony control? Huh? I'm the one who should be in charge."

Techs at other Internet Service Providers were all equally unimpressed by Heckler's rise to power. "What is this PHB going to do if we don't comply, huh?" said one system administrator at a national ISP. "Patrol the entire Internet... er, SonyNet... with Sony Stormtroopers and then send all non-compliers to the Sony Dungeon? If Heckler is the Net.King, then I'm the Grand Poobah Of Cluesticks. My first duty as Poobah will be deliver a whole truckload of cluesticks to this Heckler idiot and any other corporate executive who thinks that the entire Universe revolves around them."

Several other geeks attempted to claim royal titles. While donning a makeshift crown made out of paper, one Dothead said, "I am now the Crown Prince Of Boycotts. We will boycott Sony at the source -- we will block it at the mall, we will block it at the cash register, we will block it at the music store."

Jon Splatz, Humorixia Benevolent Dictator, was unavailable for comment at press time.

The Next Big Thing: "Clairvoyant Consultants"

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 19, 2000

Nobody likes to deal with tech support or customer service reps. A growing number of people are getting sick of being put on hold for three hours and then paying ridiculous "per incident" fees so some Microserf can tell them to "reinstall the operating system!"

Desperate users are turning to an unlikely source to diagnose and fix software problems: psychics. Palm[Pilot] readers, 1-900 number operators, and clairvoyant consultants are quickly becoming the hottest careers in the tech sector.

Explained Madam Cosmos, owner of the Main Street Mysticism Temple in Keokuk, Iowa, "With my special powers, I can track down the source of any problem. Got a rogue Registry entry that's causing Bluescreens? I'll find it. Missing a curly bracket in your Perl program but can't locate it because the error messages are so unhelpful? I'll know where it is even before you walk in my door."

There's defintely no shortage of success stories. Said one Madam Cosmos client, "I was having trouble setting up PPP on my new Linux box. I spent hours searching for the damn text file where I'm supposed to configure the IPs of my ISP's DNS servers... boy do I hate acronyms. Madam Cosmos took out some tea leaves, did her thing, and "/etc/resolv.conf" appeared before her eyes. That was exactly what I needed to know. But what the hell is "resolv.conf" supposed to mean anyways?"

Ms. Clair V. Oyent of San Jose, California has seen her business quadruple during the past year. "Two years ago I made all of my money on the usual fare: predicting winning lottery numbers, giving stock tips, reading Tarot cards. But not anymore. These days, all of my clients are geeks."

"The strangest request I had," she continued, "came last week. The client, who looked suspiciously like a fairy penguin, wanted to know the source of all of the 'Benchmark Toner Supply' spams he kept getting every 3.2 minutes. It only took a few seconds of work to bring the address into focus on my crystal ball: BENCHMARK SUPPLY, 5334 LAKE VIEW CLUB, ATLANTA GA 30338. Upon hearing this information, the client grinned wryly and said, 'Mr. Benchmark will never send another spam to the Linux Kernel Mailing List ever again. Mwahahahaha!'"

[Editor's Note: Just as this story went to press, we received a rumor that a certain building in Atlanta had been destroyed by fire. Investigators, according to this unreliable source, suspected arson. One eyewitness reported seeing "a strange tuxedo-wearing creature carrying a bottle of lighter fluid while munching on what appeared to be fish" just before the building burst into flames. We can only hope that this rumor is true.]

The number of psychics offering tech-related services is expected to increase 1,000% during the next year. Said Mrs. Dee Viner, chairperson for the Southern California Association of Mystics, "It's like a gold rush out here. With all of the dotcoms downsizing or folding, many psychics have been able to lease office space for pennies on the dollar. For instance, when HotOnlineLivestockAuctions.com shut down its company bowling alley in order to save precious Venture Capital, they leased it to a soothsayer for just peanuts. Now Colina's Clairvoyant Consultant Company & Bowling Alley is raking in money, while the dotcom next door has about $15 worth of assets."

Companies are starting to rely on psychics, as well. One company recently replaced its system administrator with a clairvoyant consultant. "Our C.C. can track down a problem using her crystal ball much faster than our old tech could," said the President of Bob's Used Appliance Company. "Plus, our employees can get their fortunes told while on their coffee break. It's great."

He added, "We're at the cusp of the next great trend in the company industry. Or at least, that's the future that my C.C. predicts."

Message From The Future: The MCAA Sucks!

Fake News written by Timm Murray on August 15, 2000

ROSWELL, GEORGIA -- The Anomolous Sewage Lagoon #5 continues to spit out items from the future. Everything from kitchen sinks to neural implants have found their way through this space-time singularity. Now we know why.

Yesterday we received a small device that our Humorix Research Lab Of Doom is calling a "trancendental anti-light temporal filtering beam receptor". Those labcoat-wearing dweebs can call it any name they want. But it's really just a glorified fax machine -- except that it spits out material from the year 2022.

Now we've seen the future... and it's patented.

Somebody living the future has gone to a lot of trouble to warn us about what's going to happen. Or maybe I should say, "might happen". Or whatever. The English language just doesn't handle time-travel issues very well.

Slashdot will become yet another corporatized portal belonging to the ABC-NBC-CBS-Yahoo-AOL-MSN Media Conglomerate, Inc. formed in 2004. Ironically, it will be Jon Katz who causes Slashdot.com to be dominated by Pointy Haired Bosses. Meanwhile, Kuro5hin, which will recover from its DDoS attack sometime in 2003, will then become the de facto watering hole for geeks, nerds, hackers, and geek-wannabes.

But the demise of Slashdot isn't what our Anonymous Coward From The Future is worried about. His beef is with the MCAA, of the Matter Control Association of America. In 2015, patents will be issued on the emerging field of matter replication. Several large companies will "invest" in some Senators, and before long Congress will enact a law that extends copyright protection to matter patterns. Within two years the MCAA will control the entire industry.

Richard M. Stallman will publish the GPPL (GNU Physical Public License) and commission the YAM Project (YAM Ain't Matter) to create a collection of free-speech matter patterns. The project will succeed at first with its GNU/Steak pattern (described as "tasty but hard to chew"), but eventually it will bog down when GNU matter-hackers become embroiled in a GNU/Cola vs. GNU/Coffee flamewar.

Kuro5hin will quickly become the focal point for anti-MCAA protests. One group of hackers will create "Mnapster", a peer-to-peer network for sharing matter patterns copyrighted by the MCAA. Slogans like "Computational algorithms representing material objects want to be free!" and "Think free speech, not free beer patterns!" will become commonplace on Kuro5hin. (But not Slashdot.com, where every anti-MCAA post will be labelled, "Score -5, Communistic Troll Who Doesn't Support Capitalism".)

It should come as no surprise that the MCAA will hire an army of lawyers that exceeds the entire population of Rhode Island. These attorneys will then file charges against all Mnapster users under the "Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Shareholders? Act of 2017", which makes copyright infringement a crime punishable by Chinese water torture.

The Kuro5hin community will react by spearheading the "Open Wormhole Project" to send warnings and matter patterns into the past in the hopes of rewriting history. It seems to be working. Thanks to the terraforming device that Humorix received from the future, we were able to create the independent island nation of Humorixia.

And we're not finished yet.

Stay tuned to this unfolding plot-line as we continue to make up the details.

"Brown Orifice" Is Only The Beginning

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 10, 2000

Last week security holes were found in Netscape's Java implementation that allowed it to act as a web server. Earlier today, a hacker announced that he had found vulnerabilities in Mozilla M17 that allow it to operate as a web browser. And that's just the beginning.

Said "3l337h4x0r", the discoverer of the M17 exploit, "This is quite a hack! By manipulating some internal functions, I was able to use M17 to actually surf the web. Slashdot and Humorix rendered beautifully."

Mozilla engineers were stunned. "This shouldn't be possible. M17 contains a newsreader, a mail client, an instant messenger client, and a whole bunch of XUL acronymn-enriched stuff, but it shouldn't be able to handle HTTP or HTML. We haven't been planning on adding web-surfing functionality to Mozilla until M30... maybe M25 at the earliest. I suspect this whole thing is a hoax."

It doesn't appear to be a hoax, however. Mr. 3l337h4x0r demonstrated his hack for us here at Humorix World Headquarters. It was quite impressive. The Slashdot homepage loaded in about 0.003 seconds, which is a sharp improvement over Netscape 4.73, which often crashes before rendering anything. Said the hacker, "This modified Mozilla software really kicks butt. Internet Explorer is toast."

Exploits have also been discovered in other software programs during the past week. By exploiting a series of holes in the LISP interpreter, it's possible to use Emacs as a text editor. "Emacs has always made an excellent kitchen sink," said Reinhard Langer, the discoverer of the security flaw. "But the only thing that it can't do is edit text files. Until now."

One GNU project programmer responded, "Wow! I didn't know Emacs could be used for things beyond Eliza and Dissociated Press. And here I've been editing Emacs LISP source code with vi for all these years..."

Microsoft programs haven't been immune to exploits, either. An old maxim in the Unix community states, "All programs expand until they can read mail... except Microsoft Outlook." Well, that's no longer true. By taking advantage of loopholes in several undocumented APIs, a team of geeks were able to transform Outlook from a virus-delivery system into an actual mail client.

"It was quite a feat to accomplish this," said one of the geeks. "I mean, the rat's nest that is the Windows API can be used to frighten small children... or adults. And the frequency by which Outlook exploits are discovered is directly proportional to the number of times Bill Gates uses the word 'innovation'. But this is the first time somebody has discovered a beneficial exploit."

Microsoft has vowed to release a patch to fix the uncovered security flaws. "We simply cannot tolerate unauthorized reverse engineering and hacking of our innovative solutions. Our Security Response Team will pull an all-nighter to eliminate these known issues."

Humorix Intercepts GNUist Memo

Fake News written by Comrade Penguin on August 5, 2000

Editor's Note: Regular Humorix readers (now there's an oxymoron) have probably been following the unfolding interdimensional GNUist plot, no doubt asking themselves, "Just what the heck is this all about? And how is this GNUist saga supposed to fit into the Humorixia storyline? Can't these idiots keep track of their own plot threads and in-jokes?"

Well, we can't answer those questions at this time because, we... um, well we haven't made up the answers yet. For now, the GNUist storyline continues with this memo that our Vast Spy Network(tm) intercepted earlier today.

Our darkest days are upon us.

Our spies have just uncovered a massive plot against us. Our enemies plan to arrest key members of the GNUist Party and lock them away for life for conspiring against the government. Without these members, I fear we are doomed.

The success of Open Source' Manifest Destiny relies on our ability to obliterate major closed source players in this dimension. We need Linus... we need Cox... we need ESR, RMS, Young, Ewing, Malda, etc. Heck, we even need losers like Baughn. We are depending on these people to propogate OSS and ensure that success of the GNUist Revolution worldwide.

However, powerful forces continue to push for closed source software. These range from tech pundits... [cough!] Berst [cough!]... to US Congressmen... [cough!] Fattecat [cough!]. The Powers That Be are in the process of shutting down something called "Napster", some kind of peer-to-peer network. Obviously these enemies have the judicial power to cripple wide-area communications such as our own GNU-Net.

We fear that some of our agents have already been captured. Mr. Adair has probably already been imprisoned for attempted jaywalking, or some other pretense, and we worry that RMS could be imprisoned for his politically incorrect beliefs.

We must take up arms now or face defeat. His Universal Benevolence, Linus Torvalds XII (probably version 582958190), sent us a message via GNU-Net from his Home Dimension 1.0, saying that he is not happy that we are losing this battle against some puny corporation on some backwater planet in an obscure dimension. As he said, "I swear by the Great Penguin, those earthlings don't even have intersteller travel yet! They should be easy to beat..."

I'm sorry, my emotions are getting to me. I must finish this e-memo soon, as I am preparing to depart for Linusgrad shortly. I will continue to advise from there.

We must continue the fight. We can not lose to greed.

Signed,
Tuxedo L. Penguin, Benevolent Dictator

Microsoft Acquires Open Source

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on August 3, 2000

REDMOND, WA -- Last year Microsoft published an updated End-User License Agreement known as the Microsoft GPL, or Grossly Private License. Under the GPL, Microsoft disclaimed all responsibility for flaws in their software since their corporate goal isn't to produce stable, reliable software, but to make money. Earlier today Microsoft quietly released an updated version 3 of this license.

The wording of this license is virtually identical to previous versions, but it is printed on nicer paper that contains a holographic image of Bill Gates and the phrase "Freedom To Innovate". Analysts were quick to point out that the lack of substance in this upgrade is eerily similar to the lack of substance in the upcoming Windows Millennium upgrade (or, for that matter, Windows 98 and its Second Edition). "This is just common Microsoft practice," said one observer.

While investigating this new GPL version, Our Vast Spy Network(tm) uncovered the fact that many Microsoft employees have been downloading large numbers of GPLed Linux applications.

Our lawyer, Noah Morals, confronted Microsoft's legal department with this finding, to which they replied:

Dear Valued Customer #19,344,643 (Mr. Noah Morals),

It is indeed true that the packages we are using in our new product, Microsoft Windows RUNT (Really Universal New Technology), such as the Linux kernel, are accompanied by a copy of the GNU GPL. However, these packages clearly state that they are intended to be distributed under the "GPL version 2 or later".

Since there is no such thing as a later GNU GPL, we have every right to assume this means the authors want to dual-license their code under the GNU GPL version 2 and the Microsoft GPL version 3. Clearly this is a logical assumption, as only Communistic freaks would lock up their software under the draconian restrictions of the GNU GPL 2.

As a result, we are not legally required to release the source code to any part of Microsoft Windows RUNT or any other innovative Microsoft solution containing GPL code that we have stolen... er, downloaded. So there.

Sincerely,
Christopher A. Pitalist
Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department

10934 of 13201
Assistant, Microsoft Legal Department

Richard Stallman, author of the original GNU GPL, was not available for an official comment, however, an informant notified the Vast Spy Network(tm) that he overheard RMS shouting, "Dammit, that's Microsoft GNU/Windows RUNT!" Apparently this outburst was audible within a ten mile radius of RMS's living quarters in Boston, MA.

DeCSS T-Shirt Used To Commit Piracy!

Fake News written by James Baughn on August 2, 2000

ABILENE, TX -- College student Cody Potter stunned the world yesterday when he used a T-shirt with the printed DeCSS source code to illegally copy a DVD of "Star Trek XXI: We Promise This Is The Last One". Well, it wasn't the actual DeCSS source code. The shirt contained a Perl script which spits out a bash shell script which produces a GW-BASIC program which outputs a ROT13-encoded Python script that manufactures a Pig-Latin-encoded Java program that finally produces the real DeCSS C source code when executed.

It seems amusing that Cody went to all that trouble to obtain a copy of DeCSS when he could've simply found one in the shadier parts of the Internet. Heck, you can get the source code right here from Humorix (just don't tell anyone from the MPAA, okay?). Simply take all of the capitalized letters in this article, apply ROT13 to them, and XOR each character in turn with all of the capitalized letters in the previous article. The first 53 characters from this set will give you the URL for a Sanskrit webpage that contains the link and password (hidden in the HTML source code) to an FTP site in Latvia where the actual DeCSS source code can be found.

The programmer who created DeCSS was in a state of disbelief after word spread of Cody's actions. "WTF? You mean somebody actually used my code to pirate something? I can't believe it," exclaimed the Scandinavian hacker from his jail cell in the maximum-security prison jointly operated by the MPAA and RIAA in California. "DeCSS is strictly for playing DVDs on Linux boxes. If you want to pirate something, go get one of those MPAA-approved players that contain piracy-enabling Easter Eggs. I don't know why anybody would use DeCSS to make illegal copies of something -- this Cody guy must be an idiot. Or he's on the MPAA payroll. But I repeat myself."

Some conspiracy theorists have already theorized conspiracies. "It's obvious Cody Potter was paid by the MPAA to do this," one stammered. "Before today, their case had more holes in it than Windows security. But now they can actually point to somebody who really used DeCSS to pirate a DVD. How convenient."