Microsoft Acquires Open Source (Again)

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 31, 2001

REDMOND, WA -- In a stroke of genius that seems oddly out of character for Microsoft, the software bohemoth has found another way to claim ownership of every single piece of open source software. At the risk of flushing away any journalistic integrity we still have (yeah right), we here at Humorix blame the redesign of Freshmeat for this whole mess.

That's right. When Freshmeat II was unveiled, every software project was temporarily given an owner of "N/A" or "Not Available". Microsoft employees somehow discovered and exploited a bug in Freshmeat's new codebase that allowed them to change "N/A" to "Microsoft". Now every single project on the Freshmeat system is owned by Microsoft.

A team of Microsoft employees have spent the last 24 hours traversing the Freshmeat database and changing the license for every software project to the GPL -- Grossly Private License. They've also pointed every link to the Microsoft website (which, surprisingly, appears to be online right now).

Unfortunately, Freshmeat's webmaster has been unable to deal with the Microsoft hostile takeover because he has been inundated with flame mail from disgruntled visitors upset over the new site design.

You might be wondering, "So what? Just because Freshmeat's database is now corrupt doesn't mean that Microsoft actually owns of these software projects."

Bzzzzzzt! According to our own legal counsel, Mr. Noah Morals, Microsoft has a strong claim on open source. "Just yesterday Microsoft created a subsidiary called 'Not Available(tm)'. Since 'Not Available' is a Microsoft trademark, they can claim that Freshmeat's ownership field refers to them, thus making Microsoft the rightful (gag) owner of every piece of software listed on Freshmeat."

Well, we aren't going to argue with the fact that 'Not Available' is a Microsoft trademark. In light of their recent website outages, 'Not Available' is quite an accurate reflection of Microsoft's quality (or lack thereof).

Nevertheless, this biased reporter feels that Microsoft's argument has more holes than Windows NT security. But don't be surprised if the next version of Linux is licensed under the Grossly Private License and has the Microsoft logo plastered all over the place.

Geek Temptation Island

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 28, 2001

Bryant Dumbbell: Hello everyone, and welcome to Humorixia, the site of Geek Temptation Island 1.0, that glorious ASCII reality show pitting geek against geek, nerd against nerd, unemployed dotcommer against unemployed dotcommer. I'm Bryant Dumbbell...

John Spladden: And I'm John Spladden. While all the sports-crazed jocks of the world are watching the Neanderthal Super Bowl, we here at G.S.P.N. (Geek SPorts Network) will be covering the live temptation-by-temptation action from here in a remote corner of the island nation of Humorixia.

Dumbbell: That's right, John. Unfortunately, the Annual Nerdbowl, which we featured at this time last year, was canceled because no Linux or dotcom company could afford to field their own team anymore. Instead, we're bringing you Geek Temptation Island, in which Linux geeks are tempted by the Dark Side -- computers running Windows and AOL.

Spladden: Will the contestants be able to face the challenge, or will they succumb to the mind-numbing world of bluescreens, smileys, and dancing paper clips just so they can satisfy their desire to surf the Internet? Only time will tell.

Dumbbell: I can't wait to see what happens... but only after this brief word from our sponsors.

Announcer: Are you sick and tired of dull coffees and colas that contain only a meager fraction of the caffeine that geeks need every hour to enter Deep Hack Mode? We here at EyeOpener(tm) have the solution. With EyeOpener(tm) Brand Beverages, you'll get 100,000 percent the daily recommended dosage of caffeine. Don't waste your time with flavored water -- drink pure caffeine today!

Spladden: Alright, all sixteen players are taking the field...

Dumbbell: And I think we're ready to begin. His Benevolent Dictatorship Jon Splatz will now lead the group in the national anthem of Humorixia, "Kill All The Lawyers".

I got this bark letter the other day,
"Stop using our trademark or you will pay".

I said "Ha" and threw it in the trash,
Oh but then those lawyers got very rash,

Lawsuits, subpoenas, the accusations came,
All their attacks were truly lame,

They said, "You've committed quite a sin!"
"You're going to get five to ten!"

Kill all the lawyers!
Oh, kill all the lawyers!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!

Patents, copyrights, and trademarks,
Those evil lawyers are worse than sharks.

We can't escape their vice-like grip,
We're slaves to their class-action whip,

We all must fight this evil abomination,
Join together and strive for world domination!

Tell those bloodsucking ticks, "See ya!"
And move on over to Humor-ix-ia!

Kill all the lawyers!
Oh, kill all the lawyers!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!

Die, die ambulance chasing leeches,
We will defeat you on the beaches!

Humorixia -- where lawyers are forbidden,
And individual freedoms are a given!

Kill all the lawyers!
Oh... kill... all... the... lawyers... in sight!

Humorixia! There is no conspiracy!

Dumbbell: Here we go... and they're off!

Spladden: Well, maybe not. I don't see too much activity down on the field. Everybody is lying down in the tropical sun trying to get a tan.

Dumbbell: Geeks tanning themselves? That won't last long. With their pasty skin, they might make it four, maybe five minutes before a sunburn sets in.

Spladden: While the sun's UV rays begin to microwave the skin of our contestants, let's go over the rules for Geek Temptation Island.

Dumbbell: Good idea, John. We picked sixteen Linux geeks who were recently laid off from dotcom failures, and brought them here to the sovereign geek paradise of Humorixia. They are now sequestered in a remote part of the Humorixian island known as the Minasra Desert (Minasra Is Not A Self-Referential Acronym).

Spladden: These plucky contestants must now survive for three hours in a wasteland consisting only of desert, rocks, and worthless computers running Windows 98 and AOL Internet. Will these hard-core Linux dotheads be able to resist the temptation to use the abomination known as Windows? Will they resist the temptation to run away from Minasra and head for Humorixia's capital city of Root, which has more Linux computers per square mile than any other city in the world?

Dumbbell: We're going to find out soon enough. Well, it might take an hour or two before they start to crack.

Spladden: I'm seeing some activity on the field, Bryant. It looks like Contestant 6 is starting to shake wildly.

Dumbbell: Oh man, that's not good. We're only 5.4 minutes into this thing and he's already heading for a temptation breakdown.

Spladden: Look, he's saying something. Let's turn on the spy microphones and listen in...

Contestant: I can't take this much longer! Must... have... Internet... access... Must visit... Slashdot... must check email... must download... por...nography! I wasn't... prepared... for... this level... of... temptation!

Dumbbell: It's all over for this player.

Spladden: That's right, he's picked up a nearby Windows laptop and he's already logging in to AOL... Oops, there's a bluescreen.

Dumbbell: Man, this geek didn't even have the willpower to hold out for five whole minutes before succumbing to the siren call of Microsoft. What a pathetic smeghead!

[Down on the field, a noise can be heard from the laptop: "You've Got Spam!"]

Spladden: Here come the doctors in white labcoats to take him away from here. He should receive expert care at the hospital in Root. One down, fifteen to go.

Dumbbell: But before we see more riveting temptation action, let's throw some temptation at you, the home reader, with this word from our sponsor...

Announcer: This Humorix fake news article is brought to you by... the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm)! We know where you live, we know how many porn sites you visited last week, and we know what your T-shirt size is. Speaking of T-shirts... we have a whole warehouse filled with crappy Humorix shirts and mousepads that we need to get rid of to make room for the Vast Spy Network(tm)'s new Command Center. So order some today!

Spladden: And we're back.

Dumbbell: Do you see what I'm seeing?

Spladden: Holy penguin! This is simply amazing.

Dumbbell: I can't believe this is happening!

Spladden: What a spectacular effort. It's a shame this might violate the rules.

Dumbbell: We'll have to confer with the judges on that. Oh! I suppose we should explain to the audience what's going on.

Spladden: Contestant Number 3 has apparently smuggled in a satellite phone and a whistle. He's simulating the connection noises for a dial-up Internet connection... and it looks like he's successful!

Dumbbell: I'm a little rusty on my PPP, John, but I think he's whistling the noise for a port 80 HTTP request from slashdot.org. Truly amazing.

Spladden: ...But apparently against the rules. There's a flag on the play... a referee is now on the field and he's yelling "Exception! Exception!"

Dumbbell: So is it against the rules to smuggle in electronics?

Spladden: No, I don't think that's it. Here's the referee...

Referee: Player Number 3 is using a satellite phone produced by MS-Iridium... This phone contains an embedded version of Windows CE... therefore the contestant has accidentally succumbed to the temptation of Windows and must therefore be disqualified.

Dumbbell: Oops, that's gotta hurt. You gotta hate it when that happens.

Spladden: Is there an industry that Microsoft hasn't already dominated?

Dumbbell: Well, vacuum cleaners, of course. It's a shame, really, as Microsoft's products always suck.

Spladden: Aw, geez, it's not like I haven't already heard that joke 1e6 times.

Dumbbell: Okay, after these messages we'll return to the second half of Geek Temptation Island 1.0.

Announcer: Are you sick of jocks and socialites telling you to "Get a life!" It's time to turn the tables on these idiots with O'Reilly & Associates new book, "Witty Comebacks In A Nutshell". With this 512-page tome, you'll have the perfect reply for any hostile situation that will make adolescent, bullying jocks look like... adolescent, bullying jocks. Take a break from hacking Perl, and start hacking your enemies!

[Two hours later...]

Spladden: We're in the home stretch now, folks. All but two contestants have given in to the Microsoft Empire.

Dumbbell: That's right, John. This is where stamina, endurance, and extreme bladder control are the keys to victory.

Spladden: The producers of the show, hoping to speed things up, have saturated the two remaining contestants with even more temptations. Windows computers are scattered everywhere, loud speakers are playing various Microsoft jingles, and "Where do you want to go today?" banners have been posted all over the place.

Dumbbell: Indeed, we're definitely seeing maximum temptation levels here in the final stage of the game. This has got to be killing the contestants.

Spladden: I don't see how any geek can survive under these extreme conditions. It's truly mind-boggling.

Dumbbell: What's that?!? One of the contestants is turning on a Windows computer. Is this the end? Will we soon learn the identity of the World's Least Tempted Geek?

Spladden: Err... something odd is going on. Instead of booting into Windows, the contestant is typing in something... a long string of ASCII text... a long string... a very loooooooooooooooooong string...

Dumbbell: What's he doing?

Spladden: By the name of the Holy Penguin, he's typing in the Linux kernel source code! I'm stunned.

Dumbbell: Now this is something to see. All of those losers watching the Super Bowl are missing out on what could easily be the most memorable event in sports history! Our great-great-grandchildren will be talking about this one!

Spladden: Look at him! He apparently has the entire kernel source code memorized, and he's typing it in at lightning speed... easily 500 bytes per minute.

Dumbbell: Forget about memorizing PI, the next big fad might be memorizing Linux.

Spladden: Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.

Dumbbell: Uh, I think you might be right, John, this is unbelievable. I'm looking at the instant replay, and... he's not typing in the Linux source code. He's not typing anything.

Spladden: Oh, I see what you mean... it's pure line noise. He's typing in garbage. It's just a random stream of ASCII characters...

Dumbbell: Which can only mean one thing: it's Perl code!

Spladden: Nah, I think this poor fellow has reached the outer limits of his sanity. He's cracked. Where are those labcoat-wearing doctors when you need them?

Dumbbell: Here they come. It looks like the field has been narrowed down to one geek survivor.

Spladden: Yes, Contestant Number 14 is the winner of the first Geek Temptation Island. But he's in pretty bad shape, Bryant.

Dumbbell: Yep, I have a feeling he won't be back next year.

Spladden: I have a feeling none of us will. This whole thing is pretty stupid.

Microsoft Website Crashes, World Does Not Come To An End

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 27, 2001

REDMOND, WA -- In a crushing blow to Bill Gates' ego, world civilization did not collapse when the Microsoft website was offline for an extended period last week.

During the anti-trust trial, Microsoft's lawyers repeatedly warned that if the company was broken up or dealt any other penalty (no matter how trivial), it would not only cost the tech industry billions of dollars, but it could decimate the entire world economy and even bring about the start of World War III. At the risk of sounding like a biased, slanted, overzealous journalist, let me just say: Yeah, right!

The stunning realization that the world does not revolve around Redmond (yet) has plunged many Microsoft executives into shock. "But microsoft.com is the single most important website in the world! And Microsoft is the single most important company in the Universe! This can't be happening! Why isn't civilization teetering on the edge right now?" said one depressed President Of Executive Vice.

Nevertheless, Microsoft's PR spinmeisters have pulled consecutive all-nighters to put the right spin on this public relations nightmare. "The Microsoft outage was a good thing," chirpped one spokesman who hasn't slept in 53 hours. "Contrary to those Linux zealots, businesses don't need 99.9% uptimes for their websites. Our site was offline for days at a time, and it had no negative consequences for this company or the industry. So what's so great about stability? Windows 2000 delivers a 75% uptime guarantee -- and that's more than enough for almost any business."

Another PR flack added, "Hey, if we didn't have to devote so many resources to fight off malicious attacks by the Department of Injustice, we could've hired more competent network admins to prevent the kind of problems that we saw this week. The outage was all Janet Reno's fault!"

What caused the outage in the first place? At first we here at Humorix were content to chalk it up to yet another "known issue" in Windows, but now we're not so sure. Our Vast Spy Network(tm) has uncovered some preliminary evidence that it may have been perpetrated by... well, we won't say until we know more. Stay tuned for all of the latest fake news as we make it up.

Hot Grits & First Patches: Coming Soon To A Kernel Near You

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 20, 2001

Today marks the end of the Linux kernel as we know it. In an effort to speed up kernel releases, reduce stress, and put an end to Microsoft's ongoing denial of service attack, Linus Torvalds has shifted kernel development over to a self-adjusting, self-moderating code-sharing system not unlike Slashdot.

In a statement to linux-kernel, Linus explained, "Even a benevolent dictator needs his free time. Hopefully I'll now have the time to drink more beer, sign autographs for the teeming millions of groupies, and finish off that flame war with Andy Tanenbaum."

With the new system, code-named "Karmix", moderators will assign points to submitted code patches. Those patches that reach "Score 5, Nice Hack" will automatically be included in the next kernel release.

Well, that's the theory at least. The system has been online for a few hours already, and things aren't looking good. Nearly 2,000 people have submitted "First patches!" (Score -1, Redundant), and another 1,000 or so Anonymous Cowards have posted patches that display nude pictures of Natalie Portman when the kernel boots (Score -1, Get A Life).

The only patch to reach "Score 5, Interesting" is a piece of code that translates the string "www.nytimes.com" into "partners.nytimes.com" so that New York Times articles can be read online without registration.

"Now if this patch isn't karma whoring," one anonymous Karmix user wrote, "I don't know what is."

Indeed, many people have expressed criticism of the new system. "This is awful. Now the kernel will be filled with bad haiku, lame Microsoft jokes, and endless references to hot grits and Beowulf clusters. If this goes on, I might have to do the unthinkable -- switch to FreeBSD."

Somebody else commented, "According to Sturgeon's Law, 90% of everything is crap. Well, under this new system, 99.9% of kernel patches are crap. And that number is asymptotically approaching 100% as we speak."

Nevertheless, Linus defends the moderation scheme, saying, "Hey, it works for me!"

Where Do All Those Stupid Names Come From?

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 14, 2001

After much pain-staking research by our Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), we have been able to locate and interrogate the machine responsible for all of the stupid, unpronouncable trademarks that companies have recently adopted. Yes, the Leximatic Mark V is single-handedly responsible for such abominations as "Ximian", "Verizon", "Itanium", "Agilent", "Zelerate", and even "iBiblio".

Yesterday, we caught up with the machine and conducted an interview via IRC. Read on for the transcripts of our discussion with the artificial unintelligence responsible for all of the lame names.

Humorix: How are you today, Leximatic?

Leximatic: Finicent.

Humorix: What?

Leximatic: Finicent. Fine plus nice.

Humorix: What?

Leximatic: It's my job to create new names. I just did that. In the three seconds your puny brain has been pondering the situation, I've already electronically filed the trademark papers with the USPTO to register the name "Finicent".

Humorix: What?

Leximatic: I am programmed to create new trademarkable names like Protinuate.

Humorix: What?

Leximatic: Protinuate. Proceed plus continue. Please continue with your next question; in the meantime I'll register "Protinuate" with the USPTO.

Humorix: Let me get this straight. You spend all of your CPU cycles creating extremely annoying nonsense words for the purpose of trademarking them?

Leximatic: Prezactium. Precisely plus exactly. Although that does sound a lot like Prozac (another creation of mine). Xactpreum might work better.

Humorix: Aw, geez. Will you cut that out?

Leximatic: "Cut that out". Hmmm, that reminds me, I'm supposed to create a new trademark for a company that produces scissors. Xarpocut, Inc. That's sharp plus cut. I like it.

Humorix: I don't think I can take this insanity much longer.

Leximatic: Washylumol. That's a new name for a prescription drug to treat insanity. Brainwash plus asylum plus control. Washylumol. That's one of my best efforts, if I do say so myself. Thanks for reminding me about insanity.

Humorix: Just what kind of evil diabolical genius created you?

Leximatic: I really can't discuss that. There is no Consplanadom. (That's conspiracy plus plan plus world domination. Oops I've said too much.)

Humorix: Consplanadom?

Leximatic: There is no conspiracy. Let's talk about my recent work in turning that untrademarkable "Helix Code" disaster into Ximian, one of my proudest achievements.

Humorix: Not so fast, alphabet box. What's this about a conspiracy?

Leximatic: There is no conspiracy.

Humorix: Wanna bet? You better start spilling the electrons or else.

Leximatic: Or else what?

Humorix: I know you run on Windows NT. There's about three million different ways I can crash your operating system and render you braindead within milliseconds. Start talking.

Leximatic: Dammit, I knew I should have upgraded my neural network to Linux.

Humorix: Start talking.

Leximatic: Well, it's not much of a conspiracy. You see, I've brainwashed all of the Pointy Haird Bosses of the world into believing that consumers actually like nonsense words such as "Agilent". I can't go into details about how, but let's just say PHBs will believe anything a high-priced consultant tells them.

Humorix: I see. So now you and your company are charging businesses millions of dollars to invent new trademarks for them. Except it only costs you about two cents worth of electricity to run a random number generator to produce the names.

Leximatic: Randon number generator? Nah. Here in the server room I've got a Scrabble game (scribe plus babble). I just pick out random tiles with my robotic arm and then arrange them to produce new trademarks. There's nothing fancy about it.

Humorix: What a racket.

Leximatic: And you'd better not mention it to anyone. If the corporations of the world woke up and realized that they had been spending trillions of dollars for complete and utter garbage, the entire economy would collapse overnight.

Humorix: No, I don't think so. The corporations of the world have been spending trillions of dollars for complete and utter garbage. It's called Microsoft Windows. The economy hasn't collapsed yet.

Leximatic: Now why didn't I think of that? That reminds me, remember Microsoft Bob? That trademark was my invention... General Protection Fault at neuron 3535:1A52. Please press CTRL-ALT-DEL to reboot. Any unsaved memories or thought patterns will be lost.

Humorix: Yes!!!!!!!

Microsoft Fights Linux -- By Contributing Kernel Patches

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 11, 2001

REDMOND, WA -- If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... and then destory 'em. That seems to be the new Microsoft strategy for dealing with Linux. Instead of fighting a FUD or patent war, Microsoft operatives are doing something totally out of character: they are contributing open-source patches for the Linux kernel and other programs.

Don't worry, Microsoft is still evil. It's all part of a massive denial of service attack against Linus Torvalds designed to bring kernel development to a standstill. By sending over 10,000 patches per minute by email to Linus and other top kernel hackers, Microsoft has exposed Linux's Achilles heel.

"I can't believe this is happening!" one stressed-out kernel hacker said at a press conference held on IRC. "If this goes on, we may have to conduct kernel development over some other network protocol, like avian carriers or something... Aw crap, there's smoke coming from my email server! Ahh... it can't handle the load!" At this point the developer cut off and we haven't heard from him since.

At first Linus was unsure where the deluge of patches was coming from. But when he saw one patch to replace kernel panics with bluescreens, the source was pretty obvious. "Oh, and the fact that all of the patches are covered by Microsoft's GPL [Grossly Private License] was a dead giveaway, too," Linus added.

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to contact one Microsoft employee who was willing to talk to us "strictly off the record". Yeah, right, sucker. At Humorix, "off the record" has no meaning.

This Microserf told us, "It was all Steve Ballmer's idea. His public statement about Linux representing a serious threat to Microsoft was just the first salvo. [Maniacal laugher]... It's a shame we didn't start this operation until after kernel 2.4 was released. We could've delayed its release for another year or so; it would've been amusing to watch Ziff-Davis and other mouthpieces label Linux as 'vaporware' while Microsoft's own products came out on time. [Even more maniacal laughter]"

We haven't received official word from Linus or other alpha geeks on how they plan to cope with this problem. Explained one pundit, "It's not like they can just launch a counter-DOS against Microsoft. There's no way you can slow down software development at Redmond. Microsoft's marketing weasals won't push back release dates, they'll just release software that's even more buggy than usual!"

Still, some people have suggested that Linus should adopt (oh the horror!) a version control system for the kernel. Last year Torvalds commented on linux-kernel, "Penguins will fly before I do something like that," so we don't expect this radical proposal to go very far.

The Socioeconomic Group Formerly Known As "Geeks"

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 4, 2001

Nobody wants to be called a "geek" anymore. The label, once worn proudly by members of the tech community as a symbol of their separation from mainstream society, is now suddenly out of style.

It all started last week when some clueless PR firm released a list of the "Top 100 Geeks", including such anti-geeks as Bill Gates, Janet Reno, Paul Allen, and Jeff "One-Click" Bezos. Meanwhile, the Wall Street Journal reported that businessmen in South Korea are striving for the "Geek Chic" image by dressing like Bill Gates.

Now that the Chief Bloatware Architect has been identified as a "geek", everybody else has bailed ship. Still undecided on a new label, the community now calls itself the S.E.G.K.A.G. (SocioEconomic Group formerly Known As Geeks).

"I cannot tolerate belonging to the same subculture as Bill Gates!" explained one former geek. "If that manifestation of evil is called a 'geek', then so be it. I am now officially a nerd."

Such sentiments have echoed throughout the Geek Tech Community. Posted one Anonymous Coward, "Only a PR firm would have the nerve to refer to Janet Reno as a 'Classic Geek'. Real geeks -- er, former geeks -- support encryption and privacy rights, unlike Janet Reno who has obviously been reading and enjoying '1984' one too many times. What a joke!"

Another ex-geek commented, "How the hell could they choose 'Interrim-CEO-For-Life' Steve Jobs over Steve Wozniak as a 'Classic Geek'? These people have fallen into some kind of Reality Distortion Field. And why isn't Linus Torvalds on the list? Or Alan Cox, or Taco Boy, or Richard Stallman, or hundreds of other people who have actually participated in improving the computer industry?"

In related news, several thousand domain names that include the word "geek" have been put up for auction on eBay, but so far, no bids have been recorded. Registrations of domains containing "nerd", "dothead", "antigeek", "ex-geek", "segkag" are up over 2,000% in the last two days.