Fake News
written by James Baughn
on March 29, 2001
from the the-sky-is-falling! dept.
We now take you live to the Bored Room at Humorix World Headquarters where a heated discussion is unfolding...
James Baughn: Dammit, folks, we're only hours away from the number one holiday for humor publications, and we've got nothing! We blew it last year and I will not tolerate another April Fool's Day that doesn't feature any fooling.
Jon Splatz: Oh come on! April Fool's Day is obviously a creation of evil, heartless lawyers. Think about it. Lots of people play practical jokes on other people on April 1st. You know what happens when practical jokes go awry? Lawsuits! When it comes to pranks and mischief, the people who always get the last laugh (and padded bank accounts) are lawyers.
Noah Morals: You know what Splatz, as a lawyer I am getting so fed up with your Lawyerclysm hysteria that I'm seriously considering launching a Denial Of Life attack against you by filing hundreds or thousands of pointless lawsuits against you. You'll spend all your time fighting frivolous libel lawsuits that you won't have a life. Not that you have one now, Mr. Pundit and Social Commentator That Couldn't Even Get Hired At Ziff-Davis.
Splatz: Don't mess with me, Noah. I'm in a horrible mood after a stray piece of Mir landed on Humorixia last week and wiped out the bronze statue of me, the Benevolent Dictator of Humorixia.
Baughn: Whatever. Will you guys quit flaming each other? This is serious business. No humor publication in the history of humor publishing has ever let April Fool's Day pass without a good April fool. We need to do something fast. Maybe we should look at what other people are planning. What's the latest scoop from the Vast Spy Network(tm)?
Double-Oh-Zero (Spy-In-Chief): Uh, well, to be honest the boys and I have been so busy constructing our new Vast Music Distribution Network® to take the place of Napster that we haven't had time to do any spying.
Baughn: Aw, geez. What kind of outfit is this? You'd think Humorix was some kind of pathetic, no-budget operation based in a dilapidated outhouse in the Ozarks!
Double-Oh-Zero: Sheesh! We all know that the Vast Spy Network(tm) was invented for the sole reason to put lots of (tm) and ® symbols throughout our fake news articles, while providing lots of golden opportunities for meta-meta-meta-humor.
Dances With Herring: Hey, over here! Humorix hired me as an investigative reporter... and I'm here to report my investigations if you all would quit ignoring me. I've uncovered the details on several upcoming April Fool's Day gags.
First, Linus Torvalds will announce that he's quitting kernel development so he can spend more time forking off child processes -- er, I mean, building a family.
Second, Slashdot will become assimilated by a certain large for-profit religious organization that starts with the letter "S".
Finally, Microsoft will embrace Open Source. They will hold a huge promotional event in which Bill Gates stands on a street corner and starts handing out CDs "containing the source code to Windows 2000". Of course, those CDs will contain nothing more than the Visual Basic code for Solitaire.
Baughn: Wow, those could be hard to compete with. Still, we've gotta come up with something.
Dances: Why couldn't we pretend that we have to shut down our site because of a pending lawsuit filed by some large evil organization?
Morals: What do you mean by "pretend"? We have been sued by a large evil organzitation -- a certain for-profit religious organization that starts with the letter "S".
Baughn: The "Second Church Of Bubba" in Muncie, Indiana. Yeah, I know. They claim that Humorix violates the trademark of their sacred book, "Limericks & Humoricks", which apparently is the recorded dialogue of the jokes that the Great Prophet Bubba told to this Intoxicated Disciples. Or something like that.
Dances: Okay, so maybe that idea won't work. I have another plan, though. Why couldn't we pretend to transform Humorix into a serious Linux publication that only prints "real news"?
Splatz: That won't work. We have enough trouble fabricating fake news. How the heck are we going to generate real news? Besides, I still don't understand what's so great about April Fool's Day anyway. Not only is it a conspiracy by lawyers, but it's also the first steps towards the "Absurdiclysm", a point in time in which society devolves into a state of silly nonsensical absurdity. It's already struck California. We need to boycott April Fool's Day before it consumes society. The time for action is now! We must take a stand. We must fight absurdity on the beaches...
Baughn: Splatz! You're coredumping again.
Splatz: Uh... yeah, sorry about that.
Dances: I've got it! We can pretend that Humorix has a mole buried deep within the bowels of Microsoft, secretly plotting worldwide Linux acceptance and bringing down the place from the inside! The leaked Halloweem memos, the rigged demo in the anti-trust trial, the recent plummet in MSFT stock price... it's all been orchestrated by our plant. His name is Steve Ballmer!
Baughn: That's not much of an April Fool's Day gag. Well, we all know Steve Ballmer is an April Fool. But otherwise I don't see this going anywhere because nobody will believe it.
Morals: Well, this whole board meeting isn't going anywhere either. I say we just forget about April Fool's Day and instead worry about August Fool's Day, a holiday I just invented. We could slap a trademark and patent on this new holiday and then reap the royalty checks every time somebody plays a prank on August 1st.
Baughn: I like it! The best part is that we don't have to come up with our own Fool's Day gag until August 1st. As I've always said, the best plans are those that involve procrastination. Let's do it.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on March 21, 2001
from the what-would-we-do-without-microsoft? dept.
We here at Humorix have always had a soft spot for Microsoft conspiracy theories. That's why our Vast Spy Network(tm) has created a Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm). Staffed with two dozen of the world's foremost conspiracy theorists, this division will theorize conspiracies involving such sinister forces as Microsoft, lawsuit-happy religious cults, portal sites, and the Helsinkian Underground.
The new department has only been in operation for 6 hours, and they've already uncovered one of the most evil Microsoft conspiracies theories to date.
For years, Microsoft has relied upon such tactics as "embrace-and-extinguish", "vaporize-with-vaporware", and "cut-air-supply" against any company that dares to compete with it. Such strategies have failed against Linux, so the software bohemoth is turning to Plan B: lobby state governments to ban Linux.
This sinister conspiracy is reaching fruition.
Texas
Microsoft has convinced one Texas state representative to sponsor legislation that would require computer manufacturers to install censorware on any computer that comes with an operating system. This does not bode well for open source software, as no self-respecting Linux developer would ever create anything that facilitated censorship.
Could this legislation ban Linux? Possibly. It might be a tad difficult to "protect the children" if those children can find a way to gain root access. It doesn't matter what censorware package you have, root will trump it any day of the week. Thus, Texas may take a dim view on Linux and declare it "unsafe for children". The presence of the f--- word in older kernel versions won't help, either.
California
Microsoft is taking advantage of the power crisis to do a little Linux bashing. During an emergency hearing before the California Senate, a Microsoft spokesperson argued that Linux is partly to blame for the surge in electricity consumption.
"People are much more likely to leave their Linux computers running all the time because they don't crash. It's a matter of bragging rights. Meanwhile, people rarely leave Windows 9x running overnight, because it will just crash spontaneously anyway. Thus, people who use Linux are sucking much more electricity than Windows users," the spokesweasal argued.
He the concluded, "California should either ban Linux outright, or mandate the use of a kernel module that crashes Linux randomly every two hours (just like Windows) to prevent excess electricity consumption."
Other states
Microsoft is quietly promoting legislation in other states that would effectively hamper Linux use. Our Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm) has had insufficient time to fabricate investigate the details, but we do know that "UCITA 2.0" is pending in many state legislatures.
UCITA 2.0 is a package of reforms (well, actually, "deforms") that would legalize shrinkwrap licenses within shinkwrap licenses. When you purchase (lease) a piece of Microsoft software, you would have to agree to an EULA that you couldn't read until you broke the shrinkwrap. However, the EULA would be covered by another layer of shrinkwrap that you would have to break in order to read it. But by breaking the second layer of shrinkwrap, you would be agreeing to a second EULA that you couldn't read until you broke a third layer of shrinkwrap, and so on. These successive EULAs could legally contain such terms as "you, referred hereinafter as the SUPPLICANT, must give us your soul on alternate Thursdays" or "you must hand over your first born son if you break the terms of this license by ever saying anything bad about this product or Microsoft."
Stay tuned to Humorix as our conspiracy theorists uncover other sinister plots for world domination just as we plot world domination ourselves.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on March 19, 2001
from the license-to-kill-9 dept.
In the wake of last week's story about a student who misused Perl's scalar context on his website, a group of concerned programmers have proposed a scheme to require Perl programming licenses for anyone doing work on the Web.
"There's about three billions ways you can shoot yourself in the foot with Perl," explained Eric Ericson, the head zealot for Perl Control, Inc., the organization backing the idea. "It's obvious we need to take a stand and require licenses to protect people from this dangerous language, and to prevent accidents in the future."
According to the proposal, any programmer designing a website front-end, back-end, middle-end, between-front-and-middle-end, or not-quite-front-but-not-back-end using Perl must first pass a Perl safety course to obtain a mandatory developer's license.
"This isn't about establishing a bureaucratic organization that will grow fat from license fees and maintain a vice-like grip on the computer industry," explained Mr. Ericson. "This initiative is designed to give developers sufficient safety training before going out into a production environment. It's for their own protection; we don't want another incident where someone gets a police record because of a misplaced ASCII character or two."
The proposed licensing test would require Perl hackers to answer questions like:
- Will the following snippet of code: (a) immediately coredump, (b) enter into an infinite loop, or (c) run correctly?
- The following ASCII characters represent (a) line noise or (b) Perl code?
- The following program will crash if the user presses the C, V, and F6 keys simultaneously at 5:12 P.M. on a Tuesday during a month that begins with the letter 'J'. How can the code be patched to eliminate this bug?
- The following piece of code, taken from the Slashdot codebase, contains at least 32 known bugs. If you were CmdrTaco and wanted to deal with these bugs, which would be the most prudent option? (a) start from scratch, (b) start from scratch in Python, (c) pray for a miracle to occur, (d) apply the Microsoft world-view and pretend the bugs don't exist, or (e) junk the whole thing, sell what's left of your VA Linux stock, and move to Bermuda.
- According to the not-so-best-selling book, "Perl For Fscking Dummies", "the difference between scalar and list context is that scalar context involves scalar quantities, and list context involves lists" (page 156). Explain in a brief paragraph what the heck that's supposed to mean.
It's not clear how Perl Control, Inc. will enforce a Perl licensing policy, or whether anybody will actually care. "Well we haven't figured out that aspect just yet," explained Mr. Ericson. "We'll need to acquire a Congressmen or two... but with the economy going South, I hear that many Senators can be bought on sale for 50% off. Don't worry, we'll find a way."
Humorix's official legal counsel, Mr. Noah Morals, Esq., seems highly upset over the proposal. "This is a direct attack on lawyers! Just imagine what would happen if McDonalds required 'hot beverage safety' courses and 'hot beverage licenses' before people could buy hot coffee. Us lawyers would be out of business! This proposal is just one more way in which attorneys are being cut out of the loop. This injustice must stop!"
The idea has drawn fire from other groups as well. One Anonymous Coward ranted, "We can't trade music. We can't post copyrighted documents from cults. We can't link to sites that link to sites that link to prime numbers that decompress into programs that decrypt DVDs. We can't design sites that use 'one-click shopping'. And now The Man is telling us that we can't program in Perl without some kind of license and registration?!? This injustice must stop!"
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on March 18, 2001
from the another-article-that-isn't-about-linux dept.
Last month, the United States filed a legal brief in support of the MPAA's argument that linking to the DeCSS source code is not protected by the First Amendment.
At the time, the MPAA was ecstatic. But not any longer. The tables have turned: the Federal government has filed a lawsuit against the movie industry, arguing that many Hollywood-produced movies 'link' to illegal content. The MPAA is now desperately wrapping itself up in the Bill of Rights.
"Murder is illegal. Showing a murder in a movie -- or, rather, 'linking' to it -- is also illegal," explained a spokesperson for the Coalition Of Angry Soccer Moms In Support Of Brow-Beating Movie Industry Executives, an interest group that has backed the government's lawsuit.
We here at Humorix must admit to difficulty in understanding that logic. But who said logic was a prerequisite for filing a lawsuit?
The spokesperson added, "The DeCSS source code is a recipe for committing an illegal act -- descrambling DVD encryption. Meanwhile, violent movies are a recipe for committing an illegal act -- murder. If you don't know how to descramble a DVD, just go fetch the DeCSS source code. If you don't know how to kill somebody, just go watch a bloody movie, which will provide all the details and instructions you need for committing murder. There's absolutely no difference."
Naturally, the MPAA has dispatched its Vast PR Network to try to defuse the issue. "We here at the MPAA adamantly support the First Amendment," one spokesweasal said during a press conference.
"Unless, of course, it interferes with our profit margin," he muttered under his breath. "We bought and paid for the DMCA strictly to go after evil, free-loading, fourteen-year old pirates who steal our content, threaten the livelihoods of the families of Hollywood actors, and conspire for world domination. Our intention wasn't to outlaw quality, action-oriented entertainment that millions of Americans have come to enjoy."
The President of the MPAA was a little less polite in his response to the new lawsuit. "Aw, crap! I knew we should've let those long-hair, Linux hippie freaks have their way! It's not like their DeCSS hack is going to do them much good once we unveil DVD 2.0 -- discs which will literally blow up anytime somebody tries to copy or tamper with them. We've decimated the First Amendment at a time when we really need it," he shouted during a conservation with other movie moguls that our Vast Spy Network(tm)'s Vast Wiretap System® intercepted.
Members of the Linux community have expressed confusion over the news. One Anonymous Coward ranted, "On the one hand, I hate the MPAA. On the other hand, I hate censors. On the third hand, I hate the DMCA. Who am I supposed to support here? Oh, and on the fourth hand, I hate ethical dilemmas!"
In related news, Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm) has discovered that the White House website is only 124 clicks away from an illegal, pirated copy of the upcoming movie, "Star Trek XXIII: The Search For Merchandising Opportunities". Clearly, the President's webmaster is violating the DMCA, and we urge that this injustice be dealt with, just as soon as we finish downloading a copy.
Fake News
written by Dink Meeker
on March 17, 2001
from the first-amendment-what-first-amendment? dept.
Last month, the United States filed a legal brief in support of the MPAA's argument that posting the DeCSS source code is not protected by the First Amendment.
"Sure we didn't do any actual research into the case or anything," admitted Larry Jo Black, the US Attorney for the Southern District of New York, "We just went by which side could give us the most campaign contributions and tax revenue. But golly if we didn't make the best argument against free speech since Machiavelli."
2600 Magazine is on the wrong end of an MPAA lawsuit after they posted the DeCSS source to make a political argument.
The DMCA has specific provisions allowing the use of 'circumvention devices' for 'fair use' purposes, as well as for cryptographic research, but none for political or journalistic purposes. 2600 Magazine "neither circumvented plaintiffs' protective measures nor used plaintiffs' films for any purpose, and are therefore not appropriate parties to press a fair-use claim," according to Mr. Black.
"If they had actually used the program," he added, "then their conduct would be legitimate. But because they included the program in a political argument, they are evil, rotten, freeloading, immature, communistic DVD pirates."
The cryptograpic research defense also didn't fly with the government. "Legitimate cryptographic research is conducted between small secretive groups of government-approved peers. Posting such 'research' on the internet 'for all the world to see' is irresponsible and illegal".
MPAA Attorney Leon Gold, while appreciative of the govenment's support, expressed concern over the government's brief.
"We've tried very hard to keep our ridiculous overblown false analogies to a certain level of quality, but calling DeCSS a crowbar... that could undermine our entire case. If people realize that crowbars aren't illegal and have several legitimate uses, we're sunk."
Despite this setback, Gold maintains high hopes for winning the appeal.
"We want to send a firm message to magazine publishers and T-shirt sellers everywhere that talking about anti-piracy laws will not be tolerated."
Real News
posted by James Baughn
on March 15, 2001
from the make-money-quick-from-lawsuits dept.
The world has gone mad. Pigs are flying. The National Enquirer is breaking serious news stories. And Humorix, which prides itself on producing 100% fake news articles, is now accurately predicting the future. We hate it when that happens, and we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience or confusion that may result when our fake news becomes reality.
Regular Humorix readers (both of you) may remember our story from last month in which we described our plan to file lawsuits against everybody that illegally decoded our content. It seems the Better Business Bureau has picked up on that idea.
It's a shame we didn't patent it.
The BBB is upset over commercial sites that link to their website, calling it "copyright infringement".
Brilliant! By telling people not to link to their website, everybody will start linking to their site as a form of protest. We must applaud the BBB for using copyright law as a tool for generating massive amounts of publicity and traffic to their website.
This could very easily become the business model of choice for failing dotcoms. File a bunch of lawsuits under the DMCA (Direct Money for Corporations Act), declare war against your customers, and soon everybody will be talking about your company! Good publicity... bad publicity... it's all the same for your bottom line, just as long as they spell your domain name right!
Fake News
written by ReignStorm
on March 12, 2001
from the fulfilling-the-dream-of-every-geek dept.
REDMOND, WA -- The Microsoft Campus survived the quake, but it didn't survive Quake. Several building at the software bohemoth's World Headquarters lay in ruins after an unmanned next-generation Army tank attacked earlier today. Members of the Linux community are reportedly "ecstatic" over the news.
For several years the US Army has tested tanks with limited artificial intelligence capabilities that can automate routine tasks. This particular tank was running an embedded version of Red Hat Linux and Quake.
Sources close to Red Hat and the Army confirm that the idea for a "smart" tank running Linux was derived from an IRC discussion that was intercepted by Echelon (Or was it Carnivore? These privacy-invading schemes are too hard to keep track of!). Here is a transcript of that discussion:
ReignStorm: dvNull check out this link linuxtoday.com.au/r/article/jsp/sid/440053
dvNull: heh, another item would be if the tanks autodrive to Redmond and destroy MS headquarters.
ReignStorm: roflmao
Hesiod, Painless, guru, sunshine, halo64, Dmadhatr, zer0byte and others logged in on the network at that moment were not available for comment.
Our sources also report that Matthew Szulik has been restless lately and whenever asked about Jim Allchin's comments regarding Linux, he would get a smug look on his face and say cryptically, "Those Microsoft @#$&*#@'s will get what they deserve, wait till Linux's firepower hits 'em!"
He's also been quoted in the past as saying, "The Linux [think] tank is much more powerful that Microsoft can ever come up with!"
"We never thought that he was referring to an actual tank", said Joe Smith, the Manager of the Anti-Competitive Technologies Division at Red Hat, requesting anonymity. "It wasn't until later that we learned Szulik had developed a remote control system using a Quake-like interface. 'Fragging' will take on a whole different meaning if this technology becomes popular."
It's not clear how Szulik gained access to the Army's prototype tank, or how he transported it to Redmond, but we can rest easy knowing there's probably a perfectly good explanation or conspiracy theory involved.
We tried to contact Matthew Szulik, but he only babbled a few incoherent phrases about "the earthquake", "The Great Penguin's will has been completed", and "tank did what the earthquake couldn't do". He then burst into demonical laughter.
Microsoft's stock dropped sharply in heavy trading, but picked up after the company issued a press release stating that the damage mostly affected the "Research & Development" buildings, which aren't that important.
"Rest assured, Marketing and Sales are still operational, and supplies of Windows will continue unaffected," the press release noted. "There's nothing to see here. Please move along and continue to purchase innovative Microsoft solutions as if nothing has happened."
"dvNull" contributed to this article.
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