Fake News
written by Glenn Alexander
on May 31, 2001
from the whippersnapper dept.
You know, life was much better back in the Good Ole Days of the late 20th Century. Back then Linux held maybe 0.01% of the desktop market. Now it's everywhere.
Go into any software site and it's Linux Linux Linux from frame to frame! And you know what? Most of it is crap!
Take games. I remember when only the best games were ported to Linux. The Windows Lusers had to wade through bargain bin after bargain bin hoping to find something worthwhile in the selection. Now every crappy idea for a Total Immersion Videogame has been done twenty times over for Linux. How do you even know which one is worth connecting your cerebrum to?
You can even get Microsoft Office for Linux if you dig into the back of the shelf. Back in my day, pigs would have flown before that happened. Of course, the creation of the genetically engineering pig-chicken that eliminated world hunger changed all that.
And you knew which hardware companies produced the best stuff because they were the first to release the source code to their drivers. But now everybody does it, so how can you choose which company to buy from?
And only technical people cound configure their systems, while today every five year old in the world knows how to fire up vi and edit a text file. It's all Linux's fault!
And you didn't have to decide which free operating system to install. You had Linux... and Linux... and maybe BSD for the hard-core geeks. Now we have to choose between Linux 54.2, HURD 39.2, AtheOS 40.4, FreeBe 26, HumorixOS 9.6, Matrix 7.8 and MacOS L. You young people just don't appreciate how much freedom you have today.
And when I was a boy, I had to walk 30 metres to the bus stop, uphill both ways, in the snow and rain. We didn't have any of this nonsense about teleporting to school. And we liked it!
And when you got cancer, you died. And stayed dead...
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on May 28, 2001
from the if-only-this-were-true dept.
REDMOND -- In a shocking development, Chief Bloatware Architect Bill Gates admitted today that Microsoft is in severe financial difficulty and desperately needs donations to stay afloat through the next month.
"The dismal state of the economy, the lackluster sales of Windows ME, and the pending anti-trust lawsuit have placed significant financial stress on Microsoft," Gates said at a press conference. "We can't continue to develop and maintain our innovative solutions without financial contributions from users like you."
The company spent the remaining $10,000 in its coffers to send out letters to registered Windows users pleading for donations.
"For just pennies a day, you can help support the world's most innovative company in its quest to discover the cure for the Blue Screen of Death," the letter announces. "Or you can help fund research and development into improving the security of our products against such sinister forces as script kiddies, crackers, and Linux freaks."
According to the letter, donors who give more than $20 will receive a free subscription to Microsoft Magazine. Those who give more than $100 will receive a limited edition "Clippit" plush doll. The reward for a $10,000 donation is your name engraved on a block of gold that will be used to pave One Microsoft Way. And finally, for those fools who donate more than $75,000, Microsoft will name a product after you. (Sorry, but "Bob" is already taken.)
In the last month, Microsoft has already laid off half of its technical support staff. However, industry observers don't expect that to have much impact on customer relations. "Microsoft will still have the same lousy service and busy signals as usual even with a reduction in staff," said one pundit.
The company has also asked MSN users to cut back on their hours online. "Please try to conserve the amount of time you spend online," said one Microsoft spokesperson who has worked the past two weeks without pay. "If you could refrain from downloading any large porn images for the next month, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your support."
Bill Gates warned that if finances don't improve soon, the company will be forced to lay off even more people and to cease development on many software programs. Several buildings on the Microsoft campus would then be leased to Starbucks and Wal-Mart to raise some quick cash.
"We can't go on like this," Gates pleaded. "Won't somebody please think of the children of Microsoft employees?"
Fake News
written by Glenn Alexander
on May 24, 2001
from the but-the-pyramids-haven't-crashed-yet dept.
Having had a long hard look at Microsoft, I feel that neither the Cathedral nor the Bazaar software development models are suitable to describe the process at Microsoft. I therefore propose a third category of software development: the Pyramid.
Consider these similarities:
- Pyramids were built by underpaid peasants.
- A pyramid is just a huge pointy thing that sits there taking up space. As burial places go, the Egyptian Pyramids represent the first incidence of heavy bloatware.
- The instructions for use and license are in hieroglyphics. And you have to break the seals before you can read them.
- The Pyramids are a monument to self aggrandizement.
- The Pharaohs who were in charge believed they were incarnations of gods.
The similarities to Microsoft are too close to ignore.
Fake News
written by Glenn Alexander
on May 19, 2001
from the holy-cow-microsoft-is-telling-the-truth! dept.
REDMOND -- A Microsoft spokesperson today announced that the company was choosing not to persue expensive government lobbying that would make the shrinkwrap license exemption from legal action valid in all parts of the world.
The spokesperson reported that Microsoft's Legal Department (pat. pend.) had realized such an exemption was completely unnecessary to protect the company from lawsuits arising from product failures.
"When we realized that we could prove beyond all reasonable doubt that only a complete idiot would employ Windows or related software in mission critical situations, we knew the clause was obsolete. I mean, how many IT managers will stand up in court and try to prove that they are mentally incompetent to do their jobs?"
In the future, all Microsoft products will contain warnings to the effect that mentally incompetent persons should not be allowed to use the software without supervision and that the supervisor agrees to take full responsibility for the user's actions, thus closing the possibility of a genuinely handicapped person exploiting the system.
A high-ranking official for McDonalds reportedly spit coffee out his nose upon hearing the news of Microsoft's strategy. "Why didn't we think of this first?" he yelled. "If only we had tried to argue in court that only a complete moron would lack the necessary motor skills to hold a cup of hot coffee without spilling it."
However, Microsoft has applied for a patent on their new legal defense. According to a Redmond spokesperson, "McDonalds will have to pay us royalties if they want to use this legal strategy in court."
Microsoft shares (Nasdaq: BSOD) rose sharply in the wake of the announcement.
Fake News
written by Glenn Alexander
on May 15, 2001
from the attack-of-the-cereal-communists dept.
Little Billy Smith (age 7 1/2) of Cricklewood has instigated a DMCA suit against Kelloggs Breakfast Foods for their distribution of digital content decryption hardware in the form of a plastic decoder ring.
Billy had been relying on a similar cardboard ring made from instructions in the "Little Book of Spies and Secret Codes - Junior Edition" to encode messages for other members of his pretend spy gang. He then sent those messages via Morse code flashlight. Using the Kelloggs ring, Betty Jones was able to decrypt an intercepted message reading "water bomb the girls at three this afternoon behind the swings". As a result she was able to organise a preemptive flour-bombing at 2:55.
"The emotional stress of this loss of confidentiality alone will leave lifetime emotional scars on my client," Billy's lawyer said. "They have given away a device that allows people to decode encrypted digital data from my client's optical network without permission."
"This is obviously a threat to national security," a government spokesperson said. "Until these criminal hacker communist cereal makers are behind bars, no child will be safe from their perversions."
Kelloggs Breakfast Foods declined to comment.
Fake News
written by Dink Meeker
on May 13, 2001
from the this-is-getting-out-of-hand dept.
At Humorix, we've always dreamed of the day when all of the world's lawyers are rounded up and deported to some alternate dimension. Unfortunately, that day will never come. Lawyers already inhabit every single parallel universe, as demonstrated by the following e-mail our Vast Spy Network(tm) intercepted.
Sincerely,
Attorneys at Law
Howe, Cheatam, and Dewey
Our firm represents the citizens of the 42nd parallel universe, also called The Bizarro World. We are asking you to cease and desist from your research towards quantum computers that operate without power. Such computers operate on the principle that the computations being performed are occurring on computers in alternate worlds. Please note that under the QMCA, or Quantum Millennium Copyright Act, any computations performed in our reality become our own intellectual property in perpetuity throughout the multiverse.
In response to your blatant acts of piracy that threaten our possible economic futures, the Yahoo-Organized Universal Commission Against New Technology (YOUCANT) has ruled that we may begin to collapse any superpositions exhibiting your reality's quantum signature, so, as our bizarro-hackers like to say, "All of your bases are under our control".
If you continue to distribute content or eigenstates that may contain content on using quantum computers in this way, we will be forced to take additional legal action.
To Whom It May Concern:
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on May 10, 2001
from the early-morning-snack dept.
The FBI has declared war against RFC 1149. The agency claims that the Carrier Pigeon Internet Protocol is a threat to national security because, in their words, "TERRORISTS, CHILD PORNOGRAPHERS, MONEY LAUNDERERS, and MUSIC PIRATES can use the technology to send ENCRYPTED messages that CANNOT be intercepted by law enforcement for PUBLIC SAFETY purposes."
Well, not exactly. Starting today, messages sent by avian carrier are within the grasp of the FBI's Carnivore system. The agency has assembled a flock of 100 predatory birds trained to find, intercept, and devour any pigeons carrying RFC 1149 messages. Carnivore, indeed.
The fact that only one message has been successfully transmitted by CPIP hasn't deterred the FBI from spending millions on their anti-avian program. A spokesperson only offered this defense, "It's for the children, dammit!"
The hackers who implemented RFC 1149 are not thrilled about the FBI's actions. "We send one freakin' ping command and suddenly we're international terrorists," ranted one irate Linux longhair. "I guess we'll have to go back to the old-fashioned way of sending IP datagrams -- by Pony Express."
Fake News
written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer
on May 7, 2001
from the but-doesn't-eliminate-fatal-exceptions dept.
Last month, our Vast Spy Network(tm) reported that Microsoft had replaced the bluescreen in XP with the "Crash Wizard". Earlier today, the VSN snatched the latest build, only to discover that the Crash Wizard and Blue Screen of Death had both been completely eliminated.
No, Microsoft didn't copy the Linux or *BSD kernel... they just replaced the BSOD with the TASOD(tm), or the Themable, Animated Screen of Death(tm).
By default, when Windows XP crashes, it shows an animation demonstrating how to reboot the computer. "First," says the cartoon character of Bill Gates, "pull the power cord from the socket. Next, place the plug back in the socket. If you have difficulty locating your power outlet, please contact your system administrator at extension 6838."
Windows XP comes bundled with CRAP(tm), the Central Repository of Animated Plug-ins, which includes over 1.5 gigabytes of animations that can be shown when a fatal exception occurs.
One theme shows the Paperclip dancing around the screen while saying, "Hello, valued Windows XP user! I hope you are enjoying the Windows XP experience brought to you by Microsoft, the leader in software innovation. I regret to inform you that one of your software applications has crashed. Of course, this problem was caused by a non-Microsoft program, because Windows XP and all bundled applications have been certified Bug-Free(tm). Unfortunately, all of your data has been lost and you will need to reboot your machine. Also, while rebooting, please ignore the message which accuses you of being an total idiot for not properly shutting down Windows. Thank you for using Windows XP and have a nice reboot!"
Another animated theme targeted at the "corporate environment" features the "Dancing Filing Cabinet" saying, "Your computer has crashed and will need to be rebooted. At this time let me remind you that destroying your computer in a fit of rage is against company policy and can result in termination. Please follow along as I demonstrate how to use your telephone to contact your system administrator at extension 6383."
According to a leaked marketing kit, the "6383" telephone extension is a new "open standard" that will be promoted by Microsoft as an attempt to show that the company "plays well with others". (If your company violates this new standard because its phone system only supports three digit extensions, you may request a change for the "trivial processing fee" of just $1.3 million.)
Windows XP also supports themes created by users. In light of this new feature, several stock analysts have given a "strong buy" recommendation to themes.org. "Most Windows users don't care about windows.themes.org because the Windows program they use most -- the bluescreen -- is not themable," droned one stock expert. "But with Windows XP, that will change, providing a valuable opportunity for themes.org to boost traffic and banner impressions by several orders of magnitude. This is a great time to buy!"
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on May 2, 2001
from the bet-you-didn't-see-that-one-coming dept.
A lawyer for the US Government argued in court that DeCSS is just like "software programs that shut down navigational programs in airplanes or smoke detectors in hotels."
You can stop laughing now. After some extensive research by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), we were able to uncover an incident in a which a plane crashed and a hotel caught fire because of DeCSS.
On October 13, 2000, a computer hacker named Eric boarded Flight 1024, bound for Miami, Florida. Eric was scheduled the give a presentation entitled "Microsoft Windows: Unsafe At Any Clock Speed" to the local Linux User Group the next day.
After extensive delays, the plane finally took off. Faced with boredom and a horrible in-flight movie (Star Trek XXXII: Where No Product Placement Has Gone Before), Eric decided to pull out his trusty laptop to watch a DVD.
Unfortunately, the laptop refused to boot into Windows, citing some kind of Registry Error. The hacker didn't feel like re-installing Windows, so he decided to boot into Linux and use DeCSS to play the DVD. As he got to a good point in the movie, the pilot announced that the plane would shortly land. The pilot added, "Please turn off all electronic devices until we come to a full and complete stop at the terminal."
The hacker was too engrossed in the movie to notice the landing. Moreover, the flight attendants were too busy taking care of a belligerent passenger in Row 24 suffering from "Air Rage" to notice that the hacker was (oh the horror!) using an electronic device during landing.
As you can imagine, the plane's navigation system was designed in such a way that even the slightest interference would cause it to go ballistic. The plane crashed.
And where did it crash? The Worst Eastern Hotel located just next to the airport.
And it set off a fire.
And the hotel's fire alarm system failed to go off.
At the time, the hotel's manager had been in the back office watching a DVD movie on his computer using DeCSS. While getting up to go grab a cup of coffee from the hotel's Starbucks, he tripped over the power cord connected to the server that controlled the hotel's fire alarm system. It was at this instant that the plane crashed into the roof of the hotel.
Oops.
Thankfully, the lack of fire alarms didn't matter, since everybody could hear the plane crash into the roof. Indeed, the fire klaxons would have been more of an annoyance than anything by distracting the hotel customers as they tried to escape.
Nevertheless, it was the "terrorware" known as DeCSS that was responsible for the plane crash and the lack of fire alarms, just as the Government lawyers argued in court.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on May 2, 2001
from the if-only-they'd-cancel-msn dept.
REDMOND -- Two days ago, word spread that Microsoft was offering not-so-fabulous prizes to OEMs who snitched on customers that purchased a large number of Microsoft-free PCs. Microsoft quietly canceled the program earlier today after they discovered that millions of customers were opting for Linux instead of Windows.
"This was embarassing," said an anonymous Microsoft spokesweasal. "We don't want the world to know that a large number of people are now using Linux. Hopefully we can sweep this whole thing under the rug and all the PHBs out there will still think Windows is the only choice."
Participation in the snitch-for-swag program was far more than Microsoft bargained for. They didn't expect to receive 12,400 responses in the first day alone. The Marketing Department may never fully recover from the shocking realization that people outside of Redmond have the audacity of buy PCs without Windows.
"This changes everything," said one Microserf.
In related news, Red Hat has spearheaded a program to offer fabulous prizes to OEMs who divulge the names of customers who purchased PCs with other competing Linux distributions installed.
"We're going to cut off Mandrake's air supply," said one Red Hat employee before bursting into an evil grin.
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