The War Against Linux

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 29, 1999

A significant obstacle on the path to Linux World Domination has emerged. A reactionary grass-roots movement has formed to fight, as they call it, "The War Against Linux". This movement, code-named "LinSux", is composed of people (mostly Microsoft stockholders and commercial software developers) who want to maintain the status quo. They are fighting back against the rise of Linux and free software which they see as a threat to their financial independence.

The most damaging attack the LinSux folks have launched is "Three Mile Island", a Windows macro virus designed to inflict damage on computers that contain a partition devoted to a non-Microsoft OS. The virus propogates using similar methods employed by "Melissa" and "Chernobyl". When the victim computer is booted into Windows, the virus activates and deletes any non-Microsoft partitions. Ironically, the many security flaws in Windows allow the virus to damage alternative operating systems but leave Windows unscathed.

"The War Against Linux" has also been fought in more subtle ways. Time-tested methods of Linux advocacy have been turned into subtle forms of anti-Linux advocacy by the LinSux crowd. MSCEs are smuggling NT boxes into companies that predominantly use Linux or Unix. LinSux "freedom fighters" are rearranging books and software boxes on store shelves so that Microsoft offerings are displayed more prominently.

Said one LinSux fighter who wishes to remain anonymous, "I have a high-paying job at a company that produces Windows anti-virus software. Our entire business is based on the lack of security in Microsoft programs. If more secure multiuser operating systems such as Linux gain popularity, our profits will shrink. Linux is, after all, one of the best pieces of anti-virus software on the market. It's my objective to make sure the public doesn't find out about Linux."

A Windows NT system administrator for a local ISP shared a similar viewpoint. "I owe my job to Windows. If this company used a Unix-based system, only a fraction of the system administrators would be needed. I'd probably be out of a job."

Humorix has heard wild rumors that LinSux has plans to kidnap Tux the Penguin. The Gimp, KDE dragon, or BSD daemon could also be ripe targets. In addition, we've heard unconfirmed reports that the LinSux freedom fighters have launched Denial of Service attacks against Slashdot, which might explain why the site has been so unresponsive lately. [It's also possible that the recent Slashdot technical problems are being caused by the dreaded Humorix Effect. -- The Editor]

Ask Humorix: Polite Flaming

Feature written by James Baughn on April 26, 1999

Anonymous Linux Longhair writes, "Today's edition of my local newspaper, the Toledo Tattler, features a column by a so-called computer expert titled 'Bashing the People Who Bash the People Who Don't Bash Microsoft'. This column was a Linux-roast-a-thon, with a higher FUD-per-sentence ratio than any other article I've ever read. I'd like to respond politely to the author via e-mail, but the only message I can compose is a long string of expletives. Oh mighty Oracle, can you provide me with enlightenment in how to write a response that doesn't sound like it came from a crazy Linux longhair bent on world domination?"

The Humorix Oracle responds:

Dear Anonymous Linuxer Bent On World Domination:

Indeed. The following is a letter I composed a few weeks ago to a clueless "columnist" who wrote a Microsoft-praising editorial for "The Oracle Journal: The News Source for Non-Corporeal Beings". With a few modifications this letter could be made appropriate for your situation.

Dear Columnist,

This letter is in response to your article in the Oracle Journal, dated March 25, 1999, entitled "Why I Like Microsoft, and Why Any Omnipotent Being With Half a Brain Should Too". I and my collegues were quite offended by your editorial and have decided to cancel our subscriptions to the Journal.

Attached with this letter are two items, a book titled "Linux For Pundits" and a clue stick. The book, published by IDG, the same people who produced "Windows 95 for Dummies" and "Windows 95 OSR 2 for Extreme Dummies", is an invaluable resource for clueless pundits such as yourself. The purpose of the clue stick should be self-explanatory.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out a selection of the many flaws in your column:

• Bill Gates did not invent the Internet. (Neither did Al Gore.) I didn't invent the Internet either. If I had invented it, I would have designed the TCP/IP protocol to contain restrictions preventing packets originating from mindless pundits such are yourself from being propogated.

• Your characterization of Linux as "that flightless bird operating system" based on the Tux Penguin mascot is interesting, but flawed. The truth is that NT is the flightless OS. After all, the letters NT stand for No Takeoff. (You thought they stood for "New Technology"? You're an idiot.)

• Linux Torvalds (sic) is not an "ego-maniacal control freak who only developed the Linux kernel as part of a master plan to appear on the cover of Forbes Magazine", as you so elegantly put it. When -- not if -- the publication you write for is acquired by Microsoft and renamed to the "Bill Gates Omnipotent Journal", it will be interesting to see how your opinion is affected.

• The Linux/Open Source community is NOT populated by geeks who, as you claim, "spend five hours a day surfing Slashdot and reading the unfunny 'jokes' at various Linux 'humor' websites." Studies have shown that the average Linuxer spends only two hours a day at Slashdot, not the exaggerated five that you misleadingly claim. I don't know how to respond to your unwarranted attacks on Linux humor sites; I assume the only thing you'll ever find funny is a fake news article like "Ten People Die After Mission-Critical Linux Computer Coredumps".

• Your TANSTAAFL (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch) argument against free software is quite ironic. Your editorial was available to the public for free on The Oracle Journal's website. I assume that your argument that "free software is only free if your time is worthless" applies to your free editorials. The fact that I actually read your editorial and am now wasting my time responding to it is a clear indication that my time is worthless.

• Contrary that what you imply, NO columnists or publications who have praised Linux in recent months are on the payroll of Red Hat or another Linux company. Speaking of payrolls, I'm quite amazed that you're still on the payroll of The Oracle Journal after all the negative criticism your article, "Why Intellectual Property Law Violations Should Be Punishable By Death", received last year.

I have other complaints, but the above list will have to suffice.

Unrespectfully,

John Q. Oracle

Turning Crashes Into Cash

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 24, 1999

SPRINGFIELD, MO -- Get ready to add another acronym to your vocabulary. The latest acronym to hit the computer industry is CMO, Computer Maintenance Organization. Eric Herbert, the founder of BlueScreen Insurance and Support, Inc., is the pioneer of the CMO business concept. "It's simple," Herbert explained. "Just like an HMO, which (theoretically) provides affordable health care, a CMO provides affordable computer tech support and repairs."

While BlueScreen only has one office in Springfield, business is booming. The company expects to offer franchises in the coming months. "The real money isn't in portals, or e-commerce, or any of the other high-tech buzzwords bandied about by pundits," Herbert commented. The real money is in providing "health" care for the myriad of problems associated with the dominant computing platform, Wintel."

The BlueScreen CMO provides two services: insurance and tech support. Computer users can purchase varying levels of insurance depending on their needs. The insurance policy will pay for computer repairs, tech support, or other expenses related to computer failures. The monthly premiums are based on a variety of "risk factors". Herbert said, "Windows 98 users who experience 5+ crashes per day and have a history of 'tinkering' with the Registry are likely to pay the highest premiums. Linux and *BSD users, a very 'low risk' group, pay almost negligible premiums."

Tech support is provided either at BlueScreen's walk-in "clinic" or via a house call. Eric Herbert invited this Humorix reporter to visit the walk-in clinic and observe how the business operates.

BlueScreen's clinic resembles a doctor's office, with a waiting room, a couple of observation rooms, and an "operating" room. In the waiting room, computer users bring in their sick "patients" in boxes or carts. Scattered around the room are old computer magazines, and in one corner sits a stack of Linux CDs with a placard reading "FREE FOR THE TAKING".

I asked one of the waiting room occupants -- a 14-year old -- what was wrong with the computer he was holding in his lap. "It's my idiotic father," he replied. "He doesn't understand a thing. Yesterday he wanted to buy a book from Amazon.com. When he was asked for his credit card, he actually inserted it into the floppy drive! Now it's stuck. I tried to explain to him that he's supposed to type in the credit card number, but he kept saying, 'But isn't that insecure? I just read about these hackers who steal credit card numbers over the Internet...' What an idiot. Thankfully we have BlueScreen insurance... the isn't the first time my father has done something stupid..."

About this time an alarm bell sounded and a voice said over the intercom, "Code 8! Code 8! I repeat Code 8! Doctors Wallace and Merjiwak, please report to the KRUD radio station offices at 101 N. Fenster Drive immediately! This is an emergency!" I asked the secretary what was going on, and she explained, "A Code 8 means that a mission-critical Windows NT server has crashed. We just got a call that the NT network at the KRUD radio station has bluescreened hard. The station will be off the air until the system can be repaired, so this is treated as an emergency situation that must be dealt with on-site."

A couple of minutes later an "ambulance" (really a mini-van with sirens mounted on the roof) with "BlueScreen Emergency Response Team" painted on the side took off down the highway. I found out later that the ERT had no choice but to reinstall Windows NT on the entire KRUD computer system, an operation that took all day.

The BlueScreen clinic only employs four "doctors". With two of them away responding to the Code 8, and one on vacation, only Dr. Nuhilman was left to treat walk-in "patients" the rest of the day. He invited me into the "Operating Room" to watch as he performed "surgery" on a damaged computer. "It's a mess," he said as he worked, "This computer was dropped out of a second-story window by the owner's ex-girlfriend as she was throwing him out of her apartment. This box isn't as damaged as it could be, but it's still in bad shape. I've never lost a computer yet, and I'm not about to lose one today..."

During the rest of the day the doctor operated on several other patients. A computer was brought in with a corrupted Windows 98 Registry (a "Code 3"); the doctor had to reinstall the OS, an operation he apparently does quite frequently. Later on somebody brought in a computer and told the doctor, "I just bought this at a yard sale. It doesn't work". The doctor quickly discovered that this "yard sale bargain" didn't have a motherboard.

All in all I was quite impressed by what I saw during my visit. The BlueScreen CMO provides a lucrative service that is desperately needed. The next day I sent an email to Eric Herbert inquiring about the possibility of granting Humorix a BlueScreen franchise (we could open a clinic here at Humorix World Headquarters), but, at press time, he hasn't responded yet.

Invasion of the Dancing Penguin

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 20, 1999

Those annoying, dancing cartoon characters embedded in software applications are no longer confined to Microsoft programs. They have entered the realm of Linux. A new Linux distribution under development, called LinTux, promises to provide a more "user-friendly" environment through its "Dancing Penguin" assistant.

Dancing Tux will "guide" users through the installation process and will be a permanent fixture of the X root window. The LinTux staff demonstrated a prototype version of the Dancing Tux program to this Humorix reporter. It was certainly impressive, but, like the Dancing Paper Clip in Microsoft Office, it becomes annoying very fast.

According to the design goal of LinTux, the animated Dancing Tux should be able to offer helpful suggestions to the novice user. The "suggestions" offered in the prototype version, at least, didn't seem very helpful. "Click on the green dragon icon to launch Netscape" or "Press the fvwm95 Start button to open the Start Menu" aren't terribly enlightening.

In addition, Dancing Tux is supposed to "sugar-coat" error messages. If the dial-up Internet connection is lost, for example, the user will see an animation of Tux picking up a phone line and saying "Uh oh. It looks like pppd has died." Granted, LinTux is still in the prototype stage, but it seems to this reporter that Tux's animation and explanation were no more helpful than the usual "pppd really did die" obfuscated console error message.

The one redeeming feature of LinTux is that, when the system is idle, Dancing Tux becomes a make-shift screen saver. The animations included in the prototype were quite amusing. For instance, in one scene, Tux chases Bill Gates through an Antarctic backdrop. In another animation, Tux can be seen drinking beers with his penguin pals and telling Microsoft jokes. While these "screen savers" serve no useful function, they are a nice diversion.

A beta version of LinTux should be available in late June.

New Crime Identified: "Tech Rage"

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 16, 1999

HARRISBURG, IL -- The police department in this Southern Illinois town has coined a new term for a growing trend in crime: "tech rage". Tech rage shares many similarities with another modern crime, "road rage", but instead of affecting drivers, tech rage is experienced by disgruntled computer users.

The first documented case of tech rage occurred last week in Harrisburg. A local TV meteorologist stalked and beat-up a Microsoft salesman from St. Louis, MO. The Microsoft representative, not wanting another confrontation with the disgruntled weatherman, has requested a transfer back to Redmond.

It all started last year when the Microsoft salesman, Bob Glutzfield, convinced the local TV station to "upgrade" its computer systems from Macintosh to Wintel. While the migration seemed successful at first, the Blue Screen of Death became more prevalent during the following months.

Then, in January, the entire computer system crashed in the middle of the weather forecast during the 10 o'clock evening news. Viewers could plainly see the Blue Screen of Death showing in the monitors behind James Roland, the chief meteorologist. Similar incidents occured twice more in February and March. The instability of Windows 98 stretched Roland's patience until he snapped last week and succumbed to tech rage.

Roland tracked down the Microsoft salesman and followed him one evening to his apartment in the St. Louis suburb of Creve Coeur. The weatherman yelled at the bewildered Microserf, "You [expletive]! Because of you, I'm the [expletive] laughing stock of Southern Illinois!" and then proceeded to beat him up.

The disgruntled weatherman is currently out on bond pending trial next month. He was unavailable for comment at press time.

A Harrisburg police officer commented, "Roland's actions are indicative of a larger problem. People are fed up with their poorly designed computers and aren't going to take it anymore. Society needs to take proactive steps to put a stop to this potential crime wave."

As a public service, we have compiled a list of things you can do to avoid tech rage:

1. Install Linux.

That should take care of it.

Ask Humorix: Financial Independence

Feature written by James Baughn on April 12, 1999

Anonymous Coward Jr. writes, "I'm a college student struggling to make ends meet. I'm a Linux nerd. I visit Slashdot several times a day. Is there any way I can use my Linux hacking skills to make some money on the side?"

The Humorix Oracle replies:

Dear Anonymous Supplicant:

Indeed! Many niches and opportunities await you in the free software market, including:

• Linux convention ticket scalping. I would venture to guess (I am omnipotent, after all) that there's quite a few CS majors at your university that are interested in Linux. They'd probably like to attend a big Linux exposition but don't have the any way to obtain tickets or transportation.

  You can capitalize on this situation. Slashdot and LinuxToday (among others) have advertised free passes to Linux Expo for people who send in a snail mail request. It might be too late to obtain Linux Expo tickets, but free tickets to future conferences will be readily available. Simply have your friends and family send in a bunch of ticket requests from their home addresses. You should be able to amass a large collection of free tickets -- which you can scalp to others at a nice premium.

  In addition, you could make travel arrangements for a whole group of fellow students (whom you've sold the "free" tickets to). Rent a bus, make reservations at the cheapest motel you can find... soon you'll be a bona fide Linux travel agent.

• Starting a Linux meta-portal. We're in the midst of a gold rush. Venture capitalists and opportunists are scrambling to create "Linux portal" websites. It should be quite obvious that, with the number of Linux portals increasing daily (if not hourly), the best opportunity is to launch a Linux meta-portal.

  Don't mess around with creating a mere portal site. Anybody armed with the Daily Update script can do that. The real money is in meta-portals, ad-filled websites that conglomerate information from and about other portals.

  Start out with your focus set on Slashdot. Write articles about the latest articles on Slashdot. Quote Slashdot comments indiscriminantly without regard for copyright law. Write articles about articles posted to other publications about Slashdot articles and comments. Ziff-Davis, Wired, Salon Dot Com Or Whatever It's Called Today, and even the New York Times have published stories about the response of the Slashdot "community" to some news item.

  It's a golden opportunity. Just cut-n-paste comments from Slashdot (don't worry too much about taking them out of context) and write superficial blurbs about them. You'll attract an audience of people who don't have the time to wade through all the comments themselves. They'll direct their eyeballs at your banner advertisements and cheesy marketing tie-ins -- instead of Slashdot's -- even though most of your meta-portal's "content" isn't original.

  There's nothing sinister about this scheme. After all, the Kernel Traffic newsletter is nothing more than a meta-portal for the linux-kernel mailing list. In fact, I think that a Linux meta-portal is such a good idea that I'm tempted to start one of my own. I can see it now: "MetaDot: News from Slashdot. Stuff that's Stolen." If only I wasn't a non-corporeal being...

• Selling "pirated" Linux CDs. You can legally copy and burn your own CDs of Linux distributions. However, most consumers don't know that. If you don't mind playing fast and loose with the truth, you should get into the Linux piracy business. Sell so-called "pirated" Linux CDs on the black market. People will pay a premium for "illegal" software. You won't ever need to lie about the legality of your "warez", just say, "I'll sell you this full [wink, wink] version of the Linux operating system for $19.95 [wink, wink]. It doesn't come with any manuals or a [wink, wink] Certificate of Authenticity, but I think you can manage..."

  If the police ever question you, just wave a copy of the GNU GPL in their faces. It would be quite ironic if they tried to arrest you for lying about the illegality of your merchandise.

• Marketing "Y2K-compliant" merchandise. Slap the label "Y2K-compliant" on something, and people will buy it on impulse... even if it's not computer related. Now is the perfect opportunity to capitalize on the Y2K-frenzy by selling a line of "Y2K-Compliant" merchandise that has nothing to do with computers.

  Print up a bunch of T-shirts with the text "This T-Shirt Is Y2K Compliant. Is yours?" and sell them at outrageous prices via the Web. Don't stop there. Mouse pads, baseball caps, books, Tux Penguin stuffed toys, pencils, abacusses, slide-rules, and rotary telephones are all ripe targets to be slapped with a "Y2K-Compliant" marketing label. In fact, you should name your company "Y2K-Compliant, Inc."

  You'll want to offer a meaningless warrantee. "If our products fail to work after January 1, 2000, we'll give you your money back, guaranteed. [Guarantee not valid if our bank's computer system is offline.]"

For more information about any of these business opportunities, please send US$100 to:

Humorix Oracle
(c/o Humorix World Domination, Inc.)
P.O. Box 256
Suckersville, KY 42000-6969

GNUdist Vacation Contest

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 9, 1999

BOSTON, MA -- In respose to Red Hat's GeekWorld Contest and the upcoming Linux Beer Hike, Richard M. Stallman is promoting the latest GNU initiative: A "GNUdist Vacation" in Oregon from August 20-28. Contest winners will travel to Portland to attend the (GNU/)Linux Northwest Conference, and will then spend the next week at a shady mountain cabin.

In a Usenet posting, RMS was quick to point out the shortcomings on the GeekWorld contest. "Real hackers don't want to get sun-burned at some beach in the path of a hurricane. Real hackers don't want to go out in the sun, period. Real hackers don't want to 'pay' for a vacation by updating some cheesy website designed as a PR stunt for a GNU/Linux distributor. The GNUdist Vacation suffers none of those problems."

Contest winners will be expected to pay for their round-trip transportation to Portland. (The GNU Project doesn't have boatloads of venture capitalist play money to spend.) Internet access and a room full of computers (running GNU/Hurd and GNU/Linux) will be at the participants' disposal. Unlimited pizza, coffee, and beer will, of course, be supplied.

Contest rules for the GNUdist Vacation are similar to GeekWorld. From May 1 until May 10, a randomly selected page on the gnu.org website will contain the term "Linux" instead of "GNU/Linux". To be eligible to win, participants must locate and record the exact location of seven of the ten occurences of "Linux". These records must be sent in, via registered snail mail, to the GNU Project Headquarters. (Note: Female geeks will only need to locate one of the ten occurences to be eligible.)

Nude Source Initiative Launched

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 8, 1999

If a term is used by Al Gore, it has no meaning anymore. That's the philosophy of the Nude Source Initiative (NSI), a campaign to replace the over-used term "Open Source" with a fresh, new moniker, "Nude Source". Said one NSI founder, "Open Source is a pointless buzzword bandied about by marketdroids, PHBs, and, most recently, clueless Presidents of Vice...er, uh, well, you know who I'm referring to. It's time for the free software community to unite behind a new term that hasn't been co-opted by outsiders. 'Nude Source' is the ticket."

In a press release, the NSI presented several contentions for why Nude Source should replace "Open Source" and "Free Software":

• Nude Source conveys a similar meaning to Open Source and Free Software. Argued one NS advocate, "People can easily define the term 'nude'. There's no ambiguity. With Nude Source, people will expect that the underlying, uh, source will be, ah... readily accessibly for, ahem, fooling around with. Hmmm... that didn't sound quite right. Well, you get the idea. While 'Open Source' requires long, tedious explanations that most pundits and PHBs won't understand anyways, 'Nude Source' is a very self-explanatory concept."

• Al Gore won't ever think about abusing the term 'Nude Source' on his website. With the whole Bill Clinton/Monica debacle, Al Gore will do anything he can to avoid association with the term 'nude'. "We can kill two birds with one stone," bragged the NSI press release.

• The vast majority of queries at search engines involve X-rated topics. Nudity is one of the them. Sites plastered with the term "Nude Source" will instantly have much higher prominence at many search engines. A person looking for pornography may wind up downloading and installing Linux that same day. As one NSI member said, "That's a Good Thing(tm)."

• It eliminates the whole OSI vs. SPI, Eric Raymond vs. Bruce Perens vs. Richard M. Stallman flamefest. In fact, RMS may actually endorse the term Nude Source. We can just imagine his glee when he can truthfully say, "The GNU programs grope and finger are licensed as Nude Source Software..."

As a publicity stunt, the NSI is offering a new quad-CPU Alpha computer to the winner of its Nude Source Logo Contest. One of the judges of the logo contest admitted to us, "We've been having some trouble. It seems 90% of the entries so far have been, well, inappropriate for family use..."

Bill Gates' Visit to Copenhagen

Fake News written by Nick Sandru on April 7, 1999

A member of Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm), code-named "Linux Longhair from Denmark", has sent us a preliminary report about the events surrounding Bill Gates' visit to Copenhagen last February.

Subject: Operation You-Know-What
From: "Linux Longhair from Denmark" (Agent #007232A)
To: Humorix World Headquarters

[The genetically engineered grasshoppers mentioned here are completely different from the genetically engineered virus-carrying insects mentioned here last week. In addition, Jon Splatz just informed me that these insects did not originate from the WORLD Organization, because, as he keeps saying over and over again, "There is no conspiracy". -- The Confused Editor]

4. One of the grasshoppers was within visible range of Gates' portable computer during the entire conference. At the end, when Gates started to shut down his machine, a rapid sequence of messages scrolled by. Unfortunately, the grasshopper's visual resolution, even with genetic engineering, was too low to discern the messages. Using the GIMP, however, I was able to enhance one of the images. It plainly shows the message "System halted", a tell-tale sign that the computer was running Linux and not Windows.

Check back in the future for more installments of Linux Longhair's report about Bill Gates' visit to Denmark.

Linux Holy Wars and Romance

Fake News written by Dave Finton on April 6, 1999

[Note: The "James Baughn" referred to in this article is not the same James Baughn that is the editor for Humorix. Dave is referring to somebody else. I hope. -- The Editor]

Everyone has one. Their favorite text editor. Their favorite desktop environment. Their favorite C library. Their favorite endian byte order. Their favorite Linux humor web site. It can be confusing wading through sites like Slashdot and newsgroups like alt.os.linux.advocacy to find out information on their favorites. How can an opinionated geek pick their preferences based on initial experience and half-baked assumptions with all that information out there?

James S. Baughn, author of Humorix, once lamented to me in a personal email, "Dammit Dave! Quit e-mailing me your dumb jokes and not-funny Linux humor articles! Oh, by the way, thanks for the roses." While this statement had absolutely nothing to do with the subject at hand here, I can assure you the real issue that was on his mind while rejecting my hand in marriage was "Is this actually legal anywhere in the U.S. outside of San Fransisco? And should my data be stored first-byte-first or first-byte-last?"

These important questions, and many others, are apparently of life-or-death importance to many geeks and nerds out there. We here at Humorix hope to shed some light on the situation. After you read this article, we hope that you can pick your preferences easily and then defend those preferences with a zeal that would make any Crusades-era Christian turn pale with shock and disgust.

We should describe the various levels of zealotism in greater detail. Novices or "lamers" as they are often called in hackerspeak will often quietly slip into a newsgroup discussion and proclaim that everyone is an idiot. More advanced students will declare their favorite OS/GUI/endian and then declare that everyone else is an idiot. There are rumors of a Ph.D. program available for those who wish to master the fine art of software/hardware bigotry. Once passing these series of courses, many of these people will go on to earn the title "Microsoft Executive".

Of course, even we, just like many other publications, politicians, and corporate takeover planners alike, like to put a scientific facade to cover up the audacity of our claims. So in order to appear scientific, we hired two of the most brilliant minds out there: two contenders for the Guiness Book of World Records for the world's best memorization skills. We then locked them into two seperate rooms, both containing a computer. One computer had vi loaded on it; the other, Emacs. We threw these two people into these rooms and locked the doors (to this days I still fondly recall their screams and cries for help in my dreams).

Two days later we opened the doors and peered inside. In the vi room, the memorization expert simply wept and begged for mercy, exclaiming "I managed to memorize 300,000 digits of pi, but this vi software is too much!" In the other room, we were shocked to discover that a freakish space-time anomaly occured due to the Emacs software loading up off of its 15 terabyte disk storage unit. Apparently the bulk of the text editor was so great that it caused a wormhole to open up when it was loaded. The other memorization expert was then replaced with Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager. When asked what happened, she replied "Cripes, I hate it when this happens." She then set her phaser to stun, shot me, and mumbled "Prime Directive be damned." She was never heard from again until the following season.

To further solidify our findings, we then abducted Richard Stallman and Eric Raymond. We tied Eric to a chair and forced him to listen to Richard Stallman sing the eerily enchanting "free the software" song. Eric at first protested and squirmed fruitlessly to try to get out of his bonds, but then he grew quiet as the life force slowly drained away from his body until there was nothing left of him but a charred broken husk. While this didn't settle the Open Source vs. Free Software debate, it certainly was mildly entertaining to watch.

All in all, it doesn't take much to be a software/hardware bigot. Usually all it takes is the right kind of nerve, a certain pig-headedness about life in general, a bottle of whiskey every night, and the ability to say "But I like to dance naked on your car, officer!" without shame (this last bit is best uttered while actually dancing naked on a police officer's car; I speak from experience here). It worked for me, and it can work for you, too.

And to settle the other important question brought up in this essay: No, it isn't necessarily legal outside of San Fransisco, but to heck with the law! Gimme some sugar baby!

Genetically Altered Insects Capable of Transmitting Computer Viruses

Fake News written by Nick Sandru on April 1st, 1999

AFDERT Alert
For immediate release

1. Introduction

During the last few days the AFDERT has received reports from an undisclosed source regarding the spreading of genetically altered insects that are capable of transmitting computer viruses. The insects are able to insert a sequence of data preprogrammed in their neural system through the serial port of the computer.

2. Description of the problem

At least two species of genetically altered insects have been discovered so far: the housefly (Musca Domestica) and the blowfly (Calliphora Vomitoria). The modified flies are virtually identical to their unmodified counterparts and it is likely that they can cross-breed and produce viable descendents.

The modified flies are lured by the high frequency electromagnetic radiation generated by the computer, hook themselves into one of the conectors on the computer and transmit the preprogrammed data sequence through the proboscis. If the fly settles on one of the serial ports it can upload the data into the computer.

The modified flies are the result of a classified project conducted by the Department of Advanced Entomology of the USA. It is yet unclear how they escaped into the wild.

A fly lays 200 - 300 eggs and the resulting descendants can reproduce after less than 3 weeks.

3. Impact

The insects can be programmed relatively easy with computer viruses, bred and released thereafter in large numbers. They cannot be distinguished from their unmodified counterparts and they are capable of multipling rapidly. Flies are quite common around human settlements, so that the modified ones can easily pass unobserved and infect computers without the owners beeing aware of it. A large number of computers can be thus infected in a short time, causing a great deal of damage.

It is likely that at least some of the descendents resulting from cross-breeding of modified and unmodified flies retain their capability to upload data into computers.

So far the AFDERT has discovered only one virus programmed into the modified flies - the so-called Melissa virus - and it is likely that this virus has been initially injected by modified flies and this can explain its extremely rapid spreading.

There is a risk that the programming of the modified flies is vulnerable to the year 2000 bug and this might have imprevisible consequences.

4. Computers affected

Any computer that accesses the Internet through a serial port via the PPP protocol is at risk. Unix systems with UUCP and/or serial terminals might also be affected.

5. Protection

Before switching on the computer close all doors and windows and make sure that there are no flies or other insects in the room. If this is not possible it is recommended to spray the serial port connectors with an insect repellant. Another protection measure is to cover the computer with a mosquito net.

On UNIX boxes diasable the getty and PPP processes on the unused serial ports.

Computers running MS Windows should have the unused serial ports disabled or covered with insulating tape. [Or, better yet, Wintel boxes shouldn't be turned on at all -- The Editor]

6. Description of the insects

The housefly is 6 - 8 mm (1/4 - 1/3 in) long, dark grey and flies rather slow. It tends to stay indoors, especially in kitchens and bathrooms.

The blowfly is 12 - 15 mm (1/2 - 3/5 in) long, dark blue with a metallic shine and is quite noisy when it flies. It enters homes occasionally through open windows and usually flies out after a few minutes.

If you see any of these flies flying around your computer or sitting on its connectors chase them away at once. And keep always a flyswath at hand.

This alert has been brought to you by:
April Fools' Day Emergency Response Team

Humor Sites Sued For Real

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 1st, 1999

It may have started out as an April Fool's Day prank, but now the webmasters of Segfault, User Friendly, and BeDope really are in legal trouble. Two separate groups have already filed motions against the humor sites, and the dust hasn't settled yet.

Microsoft was the first to pounce on the trio. According to our Vast Spy Network(tm), which has informants within Microsoft's legal department, a libel complaint has been filed against the three sites. According to our source, "Now that the humor sites have cried 'Wolf!' with their little April Fool's prank, they are ripe targets for a real suit. Now people will be reluctant to believe and support them. Microsoft, acting as a vulture waiting for an easy opportunity to swoop out of the sky, has filed a motion against the three sites. I have a feeling Illiad may forever hate April 1st..."

The "Lawyer Anti-Defamation League", a coalition of disgruntled lawyers, has also filed a complaint. In a prepared statement, the group argued, "Forging legal notices, as Segfault did, is an outrage. We can't tolerate their abuse of the legal system for their own April Fool's amusement. We're going to put a stop to this outrageous behavior that is defamatory to attorneys everywhere."

Besides lawyers, the three sites are beginning to face other ramifications of their prank. One former User Friendly junkie has formed a "Boycott UF!" campaign as a form of protest. He told Humorix, "I believed Illiad. I even set up a bank account for the User Friendly defense fund. This is a moral outrage!" The boycott campaign, which uses a crushed dustpuppy as its logo, will have its first meeting in Vancouver, British Columbia tommorrow. "I hope everybody who fell for this childish prank will attend."

The Register, a UK-based publication, is also outraged. A correpsondent for The Register said, "We stumbled on to the story and thought it was true, so we published an article about it. Now we look like total fools. We aren't very happy about this at all. Now that we've been stung by the immature Linux community, you can be certain that we'll never write a positive Linux article ever again!"

Humorix Site Cracked!

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 1st, 1999

We here at Humorix had a deviously clever prank to play this April Fool's Day. However, some weasal cracked into the Humorix server late yesterday and beat us to the punch. The cracker replaced the front page with a "Microsoft Acquires Humorix" spoof. Rest assured, Humorix World Domination, Inc. has not been acquired by any Redmond-based monopolies (yet).

Our prank was to announce that the "litigation" pending against Segfault, User Friendly, and BeDope was initiated by us. After all, now that the three sites have been shut down, Humorix has a monopoly on the low-budget, Linux humor market. It would have been the perfect hoax-within-a-hoax. Unfortunately, the Humorix staff will now just have to pick up the pieces and make devious plans for April Fool's Day in 2000.

We're still trying to figure out how the cracker compromised our server's security, but we do suspect an exploit in the Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit that we recently installed. A copy of the cracked Humorix front page has been archived for posterity.