New Startup Aims To Make Twitter Obsolete

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 14, 2009

Who really needs 140 characters? That's the question posed by the founder of "Wordr", a new dotcom aiming to replace Twitter as the messaging service of choice for people that don't really have anything worthwhile to say.

"Conficker" Worm Fails To Deliver Linux Payload

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 1, 2009

For weeks, the media has been hyping the possibility that the infamous Conficker worm was going to do something "spectacular" on April 1. Many Linux longhairs silently hoped that Conficker was poised to forcibly download and install Linux on host computers as part of fiendish plan to upgrade to a better and stronger botnet.

The rumors and speculation, of course, have been a major bust.

Humorix Staff Returns From Lunch Break, Fails To Set World Record

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 31, 2009

HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- The staff of Humorix made a valiant effort to set a world record for the World's Longest Lunch Break, but initial calculations suggest that the effort has come up short.

Bill Gates is NOT Satan, Says Satan

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 23, 2008

HADES -- Sick and tired of hearing various "Bill Gates is Satan" jokes, the Prince of Darkness today issued an edict demanding an end to such friviolities.

"How dare you compare Bill Gates to me!" Satan snarled during a fake press conference from the Fire & Brimstone Briefing Room broadcast live on CSPAN. "Yes, we all know Windows is an evil piece of crap -- and I applaud Bill Gates for his efforts -- but he doesn't even come close to the sheer vileness that I possess!"

2008: The Year In Preview

Feature written by James Baughn on January 4, 2008

[Editor's Note: Every year (give or take a few), Humorix publishes a Year In Preview feature in which we offer predictions for the coming year. We are pleased to announce that these predictions have so far resulted in a fantastic 100% success rate. That's right, not one single prediction has come true. As a fake news publication, we can only hope that this perfect record will continue to hold well into the future.]

January 8 -- After enduring two weeks of constant criticism, Santa Claus finally apologizes for delivering Microsoft Zune players to 3.2 million children on his Very Naughty list.

Wikipedia Deletes All But 0.1% Of Articles

Fake News written by James Baughn on December 28, 2007

WIKIPEDIA WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- In a bold effort to conserve precious disk space and bandwidth, Wikipedia today announced that 99.9% of English-language articles have been permanently removed.

Monkeys Still Unable To Produce Shakespeare -- Or Perl

Fake News written by James Baughn on December 26, 2007

UPPER PODUNK, SOUTH DAKOTA -- It seemed like a simple experiment. Put a million monkeys in front of a million Linux boxes and see how long it would take for them to generate a Shakesperian play or a useful Perl script.

So far, the project has been a bust. "First, our budget was slashed and we were only able to obtain 12 monkeys," explained scientist Wey Stotime of the University of Northern South Dakota. "And now, after six months of banging away on keyboards and making assorted grunting sounds, our monkeys haven't generated anything worthwhile."

Keyboard Replacements Up 35% Thanks To SCO

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 8, 2007

It's not safe to read the news anymore. One minute you're enjoying a nice beverage at your computer, the next moment you're spewing liquid all over your monitor and keyboard after reading the latest ridiculous and hypocritical motion from The SCO Group.

The problem is called IBEE (Involuntary Beverage Explosion Event) and it strikes an estimated 1,650 keyboards each day, often requiring immediate replacement. With SCO becoming increasingly desperate, the number of such incidents worldwide has increased nearly 35% since this time last year, providing an unexpected lift for keyboard manufacturers.

California Imposes April Fools' Day Tax

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 1, 2007

SACRAMENTO, PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CALIFORNIA -- In a desperate bid to shore up the state's finances, Gubernator Awnuhld Schwarzenegger today announced that all April Fools' Day hoaxes, jokes, parodies, pranks, amusements, and other assorted forms of jocularity are subject to a so-called BULL, or Bogus Unit Laughter License, that must be paid within 15 days.

Microsoft Finds Solution For Lackluster Vista Sales

Fake News written by James Baughn on April 1, 2007

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- Hoping to turn around dismal sales trends for Windows Vista, Microsoft today announced a new edition of the so-called operating system, Windows Vista® Shiny Things Edition(tm), which will feature a $3,950 price tag and "lots of shiny things."

Echelon Scrapped After Finding Too Many Examples Of Government Misconduct

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 8, 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The idea was simple. Develop the world's largest electronic surveillance system to search for suspicious activities by criminals and terrorists. The resulting system, however, worked a little too well -- it kept finding dubious transactions that it traced back to Congress and the White House.

Now the so-called 'Echelon' system has been temporarily suspended until researchers can develop a way to ignore criminal activities committed by prominent Congressmen, while continuing to invade everybody else's privacy.