The Hottest New Distribution: LinuXXX
Fake News written by on Tuesday, November 23, 2004
LAS VEGAS -- Described as the world's first "pornographic operating system," a new Linux distribution called LinuXXX was unveiled earlier today at a press conference in the lobby of a Las Vegas hotel. Sales of the distro have been... well, hot.
"Why didn't I think of this?" said a Linux groupie who waited in line to purchase a limited edition LinuXXX boxed set (with discreet brown paper bag) for $69.95. "This will be the perfect addition to my bachelor pad of doom."
The co-creator of LinuXXX, Eric Hefner, said that the inspiration for the all-porn OS came from the Ubuntu Linux distribution. "When Ubuntu revealed their original cleavage-enhanced splash screen, I knew the world was ready for a Triple-X operating system."
But LinuXXX contains much more than scandalous splash screens and desktop wallpaper. A special kernel module implements a stealth TCP/IP stack called ARMCHAIR (Adult Reading Material Completely Hidden Advanced Interface Regulator) that makes it possible to download pornographic material over a public network without detection.
"ARMCHAIR uses steganography to embed the... um... content inside legitimate HTTP traffic," Hefner explained. "A packet sniffer would think you were accessing Google, when in fact you were downloading from... well, I don't want to reveal my favorite source."
Another important feature is the PANIC mode (also called the WIFE mode), which will immediately hide anything incriminating from the filesystem and memory when the user hits a certain key combination. "Since this is a kernel-level feature," Hefner said, "It can fool commands like df into thinking that the /usr/porn folder is actually /usr/lib. Until you enter the right password, absolutely all traces of you-know-what will be invisible."
With 10,000 copies sold in the first week, LinuXXX has already surpassed the market share of Slackware 1.0. But while the future looks very bright, some pessimists are pessimistic.
"Once Linux and open source developers get ahold of this, they won't have time for hacking anymore," said a pundit. "Any operating system that lets you type 'porn-get install boobies' is going to be a serious drain on productivity, which could cripple the entire free software movement and hand Bill Gates yet another victory. We can't let that happen."
However, not everybody is worried about this threat. Said one early LinuXXX adopter, "This kind of innovative software actually lengthens my... er... attention span and increases my productivity. I can have Hot Babe open in one xterm while programming in another. That's the beauty of multitasking..."
Everybody else who has installed LinuXXX was, for obvious reasons, unavailable for comment at press time.
Cody "EEDOK" Hollis-Perdue contributed to this report.