President Bush Has "Faith" In Science
Fake News written by on Thursday, February 24, 2005
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Calling the traditional scientific method "old-fashioned and inefficient", the Bush Administration today unveiled a "bold new platform" to move scientific exploration to a new frontier: Faith-Based Research.
At a White House press conference, Science advisor John Marburger offered reporters a sneak preview of the initiative, dubbed the "Science In the new Millenium Plan" (SIMP). He said, "America is ready for this new approach to understanding our world in the 21st Century."
"We've had great success in the medical field by clearly demonstrating the benefits of intercessory-prayer," he argued, referring to a NIH-funded Duke University study that showed the health benefits of praying for ailing friends and family. "Now is the time to translate this success into other areas of research."
When asked by a reporter how SIMP will work, Marburger explained, "The White House wants scientists to utilize 'Faith-Based Facts' in their work. The world's holy scriptures offer a rich source of FBFs that can only make our nation's research efforts much more efficient and results-oriented."
As part of SIMP, the Administration will channel more money into space, geosciences, and paranormal research, while dropping support for "controversial" branches of science including evolutionary biology and genetics. "The Theory of Evolution has never been proven, so why should we spend megabucks on science based on this unproven assertion?"
NASA will receive an immediate funding boost, but it will have a new mission to determine the range of God's powers and to help carry freedom and liberty into outer space.
"We all know He is big, but how big? That question has puzzled scientists for hundred of years," said outgoing NASA administrator Sean O'Keefe. "But we're going to find out, no matter what the cost."
Earth exploration is another area highlighted by SIMP. "Let's face it, finding oil and other natural resources is a damned hard and expensive business... We have to learn how to do more with less", said Peter Goblet, head of Exxon-Mobile's resource exploration department. "Divining is a thousand-year old practice, but our kids are just not learning basic rod use in their college science courses anymore. Think of the money that could be saved if we used our best and brightest scientists to hone these techniques and make them more efficient!"
Not everybody is ecstatic about the new plan. Voicing some concerns, National Academy of Sciences President Bruce Albers said, "It's important to keep an open mind, but I think hypothesis-driven science that seeks to support its finding with data is not dead yet."
Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona), a critic of the Administration's policy on climate change, was even more blunt: "Next thing they'll want to solve the global warming problem by praying that Hell freezes over!" He added, "Bush says that this plan will lead science into the new millennium -- but what millennium? The Middle Ages?"
But Carl Huygens, dean of the school of earth sciences at Texas A&M University, was more positive. "We all know that data-driven science is a messy business that involves bucketloads of wild-ass guessing. Everybody uses a certain element of faith when deriving knowledge from their data... why not go one step further and bring faith into the world of research? We can save ourselves the efforts associated with data collection and interpretation. Paradigm shifts have always occurred in science but the naysayers were usually convinced in the end."
Said an anonymous faculty member at the Penn State Department of Geosciences, "Faith-based research will surely allow us to increase the number of papers my graduate students and I will be able to publish. I'll have to rewrite my lectures, but that's a small price to pay for progress."
During his weekly radio address, President Bush said, "Science is already heading in the direction of faith, especially with the emergence of Intelligent Design as an alternative to the highly dubious Theory of Evolution. We need more of this independent thought."
He continued, "Experimentation and theory are overrated and frankly the American public deserves more than scientific 'mumbo-jumbo' about uncertainties and self-serving statements about the need for further research. The time has come to mine the treasure trove of God-given knowledge to finally solve the most pressing scientific issues of our time and wean the scientific community from its narrow-minded obsession with reality and observations."