And Now A Word From Our Lawyers
Announcement posted by on Sunday, August 21, 2005
In light of recent developments, the Humorix Legal Department decided that we should publish the following disclaimers and notices to avoid any potential lawsuits or fiaSCOs. [NOTE: The use of non-standard capitalization within the word "fiaSCOs" should not be construed as a disparaging or libelous reference to The SCO Group®, its subsidiaries, employees, or shareholders.]
The following statements were drafted by Mr. Noah Morals, Humorix's Chief Litiguous Bastard, and his assistant bastards, Mr. M. T. Scruples and Ms. Sully Sittor, of the Lowe, Morals, and Scruples Law Firm, LLCts, (Limited Liability Corporation tax shelter).
WARNING: This document contains abnormally high concentrations of advanced legal verbiage, complex grammatical structures, and non-sensical meta-humor references, which may lead to severe headaches, elevated blood pressure levels, and excessive head scratching that could produce premature hair loss. The staff of Humorix, its shareholders (if any), and its various hangers-on disclaim all responsibility for adverse mental or physical health effects that could result from reading, browsing, or grokking(tm) the following material [NOTE: "Grokking" is probably not a trademark, but Humorix and its legal department refuse to take any chances.]
NOTICE: While the title of this story includes the word "word" in singular form, that is merely a figure of speech. Let it be known that this document actually contains 1,373 words (more or less). Estimated reading time: 26 minutes. Estimated time spent kicking yourself for wasting 26 minutes of your life: 27 minutes.
1. Linux® is a registered trademark of Linus Torvalds.
2. Olympics®, games®, Greek®, Athens®, 2012®, overcommercialized hypefest®, and London® are all registered trademarks of the International Olympic Committee® within the entire reach of the observable Universe, excluding North Korea, and any unauthorized publication of these marks shall result in a complimentary visit by The Salmonella Brothers(tm), the Unofficial Organized Crime Syndicate of the Olympic Movement®.
3. UnixWare® is a registered trademark of The SCO Group® until such time that the company declares bankruptcy and is devoured alive by its creditors, an event that has a 99% probability of occuring within the next twelve (12) months. [NOTE: The aforementioned prognostication shall not be used as the basis for financial decisions, such as deciding to short SCOX or SCOXE stock. Hint, hint. [NOTE: This is not a hint.]]
4. Google News Beta(tm), Google News Release Candidate 1(tm), Google Search Engine Alpha(tm), Google Do No Evil Propaganda Platform(tm), Google Cold Fusion Reactor(tm), and Google World Domination Strategy(tm) are all trademarks of Google, Inc.
5. PHP®, Apache®, MySQL®, Perl®, fortune®, ls(tm), /dev/null®, shutdown -r now(tm), vi®, emacs®, yes(tm), /etc/passwd(tm), printf®, segmentation fault(sm), symlink®, kernel panic®, Hello world!(tm), First post!®, and for(;;)® are all trademarks of their respective holders.
6. The use of semantically significant whitespace in Python® programs might be protected by intellectual property laws in five (5) countries, at least according to an old post on Google Groups Beta(tm) that may or may not have been satirical in nature.
6a. (NOTE: The vague and/or ambiguous nature of the preceding paragraph should not be used as a basis for judging the competence, or lack thereof, of Mr. Noah Morals and his aforementioned staff. (NOTE: The preceding meta-joke was not intended to be humorous and anybody who fails to perceive the seriousness of this prose should seek legal counsel immediately. (NOTE: Mr. Noah Morals is not accepting new clients at this time. (NOTE: If Mr. Noah Morals was accepting new clients, this document should not be construed as an unpaid advertisement for his affordable, quality, award-winning services. (WARNING: The following collection of closing parenthesis may cause disorientation in non-Lisp® programmers.)))))
7. The use of semantically significant parenthesis in Lisp® programs is NOT protected by intellectual property laws because even the most advanced lawyers have been unable to successfully understand Lisp and refuse to touch it with a ten-foot pole(tm). [NOTE: "Refuse to touch it with a ten-foot pole" is a trademarked expression of the Republican Party.]
WAIVERS OF LIABILITY
8. The content of this website is provided "as is" without warranty of any kind, including, but not limited to, the IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY and FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. So there.
9. In the unlikely event that the content published on Humorix results in feelings of laughter, mirth, euphoria, hilarity, and/or giddiness, we disclaim all responsibility for any harmful effects that may occur, including, but not limited to, the following:
(a) Damage to vocal chords from uncontrollable laughing
(b) Overflows of the tear ducts
(c) Bodily injury from rolling on the floor laughing
(d) Damage resulting from pounding fists or other body parts during jovial outburst(s)
(e) Violations of local noise ordinances from extreme laughmaking
10. In the much more likely event that the content published on Humorix does NOT result in laughter, we disclaim all responsibility for any negative effects that may occur, including, but not limited to:
(a) Regret at wasting precious seconds of your life reading this drivel
(b) Profound outrage at the offensive material possibly contained herein
(c) Sadness at the complete and senseless waste of perfectly
good electrons that were squandered while producing this site
(d) Feelings of confusion and hopelessness in trying to understand this crap
11. The content of this site may contain grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, split infinitives, double negatives, dangling participles (whatever those are), unnecessary parenthetical constructions, inexplicable typos, and various other forms of improper language usage that may cause adverse effects in certain English language parsing systems (i.e. the human brain). The subclass of people commonly known as "Grammar Nazis" should proceed with the utmost caution.
12. The content of Humorix is intended, but not guaranteed, to be based in whole or in part upon fabrications, lies, falsifications, untruths, half-truths, quarter-truths, exaggerations, fictions, imitations, and various other forms of make-believe.
13. In the event that an unwanted element of truth, veracity, reality, fidelity, accuracy and/or integrity is spotted within a story erroneously labeled as "Fake News", please hesitate to register a complaint with the Humorix Ombudsman at:
devnull [at] humorix [dot] org
or by postal mail at:
123 Fake Street
Springfield, Whatever State Springfield Is In, 99999
13a. If the Ombudsman determines after an extensive review that a violation of journalistic fake news standards has occured, a full refund for this free website will be provided within thirty (30) days. [NOTE: The definition of "extensive review" may vary from day to day based on the blood alcohol content of the Ombudsman]
13b. The staff of Humorix is already aware that our Open Source Beer story has become true, and we apologize profusely for the confusion and inconvenience that has been caused by this inadvertant intersection of reality and non-reality. Moreover, Humorix shall not be held responsible for the consequences of producing Open Source Beer, such as alcohol tax violations, lawsuits arising from PWI (Programming While Intoxicated), or waking up with a strange woman in the morning while suffering a bad hangover.
14. We value privacy -- ours.
15. Contrary to the implied message of some of our content, Humorix does not possess, nor pretend to possess, any evidence documenting a link between Microsoft and the entity known as the Devil (d/b/a Satan, El Diablo, The Dark Lord, or Darl McBride) [NOTE: Contrary to the previous sentence, we do not possess any evidence suggesting a link between The SCO Group®, or any of its employees, to the Devil. [NOTE: The aforementioned evidence could still be uncovered as part of a future discovery process fishing expedition.]]
16. Humorix and its affiliates have not been involved, either directly or indirectly, with the presumed deaths of John F. Kennedy, Elvis Presley, Julius Caesar, or common sense.
17. Despite rumors, no Humorix staff members have ever donned a tinfoil hat for the purposes of deflecting government mind-control rays or engaging in other conspiracy-related objectives.
17a. We do, however, maintain a Faraday Cage surrounding Humorix World Headquarters.
18. In the text editor wars between vi and Emacs, Humorix has firmly endorsed a winner: NEdit. And for KDE vs. GNOME: AfterStep.
19. Humorix, for one, welcomes our new Google® search engine/kitchen sink web portal overlords, and we will gladly toil away in the bowels of their search engine catacombs for the opportunity to earn some AdSense® scratch.